To hate my life and health problems

[NooNooHead]

I have a medication induced neurological involuntary movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia (TD) which is awful. It has become much worse over the past few months since having my 3rd baby. My involuntary tongue and mouth movement are hideous, tiring and the bane of my life.

I was so stressed in the months after my c-section that I felt it must have triggered a big inflammatory response in my body, worsening my TD. I probably had some mild PND too. My brain slowed down recentlu to the point where I felt like I did 6 years ago after my head injury and post concussion syndrome. I literally couldn't think, was cognitively much slower and lost my internal voice.

To make things even better, I found out a month ago that I have narrow angle glaucoma. I was told that I might need laser surgery... When I researched some of the eye drops, I found that there could be the risk of them making the TD worse.

My life is full of wonderful things like my children and I know I should be so grateful for them. Instead, I feel despair and anger that I have to live my life with these health issues. I know it isnt life or death by any means,but I would honestly choose not to be here with the ongoing health issues I am having.

That sounds stressful, relentless and exhausting. I don’t think any of your feelings are unreasonable.

Is there anything that would make this more manageable?

Are you happy with your neurologist? Do you know all your options? Having a good relationship with my doctor makes all the difference for me.

I’ve had brain surgery... and the damage to my brain really affects me emotionally. I was thinking of writing a similar post to yours.

I wanted to express how much is physically wrong with me and how fucked off I am at the relentlessness of it all.

I can only say to you, what I hoped others might say to me... which is, you are not unreasonable. You are tired, you are trying the best you can, this isn’t your fault and life can be really shitty sometimes. But hang in there.

It’s entirely reasonable to simultaneously feel gratitude for the good things in your life AND anger about the shit stuff that has happened.

Have you allowed yourself to grieve for the things that you’ve lost? The moments that have been taken from you- the healthy life you thought you were going to be living right now?

Could you invest in yourself by finding a decent therapist to explore how you’re doing?

I see a therapist... and if you find a good one, it can be a game changer. It enables you to find the balance you need, in order to survive daily life with the after effects of brain injury.

It’s one thing wanting to ‘not be here’ and another thing to actively have a plan and an intention to carry it out. If you feel like you’re giving up, keep talking. You are not alone and you really do matter.

Sending you hugs x

I wish I had something useful to say. All of that sounds utterly exhausting OP. I wish I could bring you a cup of tea or glass of wine.

I have Fibromyalgia and I totally know how you feel, Although I have 3 wonderful children and a grandchild I mostly just feel what is the point of my life, my youngest children is 12 and very independent so hardly needs me, my mobility is getting worse and my pain levels are getting higher.

Having a chronic illness sucks and unless you have one nobody can really understand how tiring and emotionally draining it is. Just remember your children love you for who you are and won’t care about any of your involuntary movements.

Just hold your head up high and do the best you can and accept any and all help you can get. Enjoy your new baby and go easy on yourself.

I’m sorry I don’t have any practical advice but that sounds really difficult

That all sounds very hard OP but there must be someone out there who could help advise you on the best treatment for these issues. This sounds also a little silly but since you said you feel almost suicidal can you almost detach yourself from these bodily problems. Like from a spiritual perspective "you" are not your body or even your brain. I believe that "you" are a soul which is inhabiting your body. Sometimes our body doesn't do what we like or look how we like but I've personally been able to detach myself from my body in some sense. In that I can look at it and think well this is just my body- not actually "me" and that no one will live forever so I may as well enjoy what I can while I'm alive and ignore the things I don't like about myself. I know you are struggling and you have serious issues and it's normal to feel anger and despair but you need to value yourself and not identify yourself with these health issues. You are bigger than this, it doesn't define who you are. I think just focus on your kids and enjoying things with them as much as possible and try and let go to a certain extent yet still pursue treatment avenues and advice but not get too attached to the outcomes. Hope that helps. XX

Thank you both.

Yes, I am pissed off. Annoyed. I seem to also have gums receding too probably from pregnancy and the stress of it all.

I want to give up truly.