My mother has returned to her prior feral self and I am back to hating her.

[user1465822474]

DM demanded that I dropped everything last month on an evening where I had to hit a deadline or lose a 3K contract. I'm a freelancer and so is my husband. We have had to take a huge hit with Covid just to make ends meet. DM (who has no financial worries) had previously excluded me anyway but putting herself in a support bubble with my cousin who lives over 100 miles away and also has no financial worries (I am 12 miles away)But despite the contract, when this decision was made I couldn't' have DM or anyone else to stay because I had to self shield so I could have some cancer diagnostic scans that were being treated as urgent.
As a result of this, and the work I had to to, do my mother who had mellowed in her later years has reverted back to form and become the spiteful aggressive woman who I had as a mother and I hated.. She sanctioned physical and emotional abuse from my father when not also delivering that herself, and has allowed this to continue into my adulthood, manifested by my cousins involvement. Based upon whit DM told her (none it true) I have received hate mail and threats from the cousin. I have explained the circumstances that I faced at the time but these have been rubbished by both of them and they've then gone behind my back and tried to get my own daughter on side against me,. I want DM to leave me alone and I want to feel I can ask this without being unreasonable. She's 84 and alone but has all her marbles and still able to dish out the hurt she always did. She doesn't have dementia.What would you do?

Go no contact she isnt a nice person

Quite frankly OP I would totally ignore her. She will hate that, and continue to ignore her until she falls in line.

I’m sorry to hear all you have gone through.
She is toxic and has ruined enough of your life.
Cut all contact with her.
Can you report the cousin for the hate mail and threats?

Tell her she’s unbearable in this manifestation and suggest she tries again when she’s ready to have her daughter back.

Just ignore her. You don't need a big showdown. Just stop giving her any power over you.

Hate mail and threats (physical ones?) go to the police. As for your mum, i would simply ignore her. She sounds like a nasty vindictive old cow, so just try not to give her too much headspace.

Definitely NC.

Don't rise to it.

Speak to your daughter explain nanny is a fucking nut job and your calling the police on your cousin if she pulls this bullshit again

And cut them off for good

Bollocks to family this shit you dont need

I would go no contact and report any more abuse or hate from your cousin.

If she's 84, I'm guessing you must be in your 40s or 50s? If so, ask yourself this: how many more years of your life do you want to give over to this woman who treats like you like a doormat, who is abusive and cruel, who doesn't care about your emotional wellbeing and is now trying to turn your own child against you?

Go NC and don't look back.

Aside from your daughter, I would block the lot of them and I wouldn't bother to explain why. I would ghost them right out of my life.

Go to the police about your cousin. Keep all hate mail and records of further threats.

Absolutely go NC with Mom. She no longer exists. And don't feel guilty.

You are still appear to be emotionally involved with your mother. You may actually be feeling guilt and anger. Explain - if you need to and if you can - why thing are what they are as far as you are concerned and that is why you want no further contact.

allowed this to continue into my adulthood
You've allowed it to continue into your adulthood; move on, go no contact, ignore any attempts to contact you by mother, cousin or any other family members in her thrall.
Other than any cooperation into police investigation/action for the hate mail from cousin, obviously.

Your post makes me think you've posted about her before.
Is she getting any better than back then?
You can't change her, just the way you respond to her.

She's toxic. You know that. Just cut them all off.

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam

Just ignore her. You don't need a big showdown. Just stop giving her any power over you.

This. What she says doesn't matter at all. Just ignore. Perhaps let the police know about the threats, probably a good precaution.

That's awful OP. In the same situation with my DM I went NC. She liked to get my sister on side & they tag teamed the abuse. Two against one when you are feeling vulnerable re finances & your health anyway is vile of them. Your DM has reverted to her default behaviour pattern & at her age isn't going to change. Once you accept that you won't beat yourself up any more about it. Put yourself first . You won't regret it & that me, it will feel like a massive relief.

• that should read trust me , not that me

thank you, i'm feeling like a horrible person hence the thread xxx

Stop letting her get in your head. Your allowing her to keep those roles in play.

Block them both.

You're not horrible at all .. you're feeling guilty as your mother is in advanced age.

The thing is , we don't have a full back story but , based on what you've said , then you need to limit contact.

I'd love to say, just back away, and it's easier said than done.
But for your own mental health, low contact might be the way.

It's not horrible to ignore a horrible person. Ignoring them doesn't make you horrible. If they are hurting you, for your own sake step away.

If you block her now, you will probably feel able to forgive her, even to miss her. When she dies, you may feel guilt and loss and mourn for the relationship you never had.

If you don't, you will be caught in the same spiral of spite, manipulation and stress. Nothing will ever be good enough, you will be left with little space for anything else in your head and her death will no doubt be the centre of another whirlpool of nastiness.

Guess how I know!

I have a similar situation with DM. I can't go NC because that would also cut my DF out who has always been loving and kind (no idea why he's never left). DSis and I grey rock, it's the only way we can deal with her. She recently told DS her new hairstyle looks weird and that her hairdresser must hate her. There is no way to respond to that kind of rudeness so we just ignore her.