Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I think my mum is toxic?

22 replies

StaceyLWard · 17/10/2020 14:34

Things have always been rocky between me and my mum. We have differences in opinions and outlook on life. Growing up was full of her shouting and being abusive, both emotionally and physically. Recently she's become very controlling and emotionally demanding.

In 2016 when I was 22 I moved in with my then boyfriend to a town on the outskirts of my city. The train was only 10 minutes but she never came to visit and on several occasions said she would but then not turn up on the day. When I went back to visit she would make comments such as 'I don't know why you bothered coming back'. Unfortunately my relationship with my then boyfriend broke down in 2019. Because of this and because my job wasn't paying me well I had to move back to my mums while I looked for somewhere to live.

During this time she became very closed and didn't listen to anything I was saying. I was there for about two months and then moved into a house share with my best friend. The house was only 10 minute walk down the road. She never visited and would start to ignore my texts. after 6 months of living there COVID came along and I had become furloughed. Redundancy was becoming a looming threat so I had no choice but to move back in with her.

When I moved she never offered to help. The only thing she did was say I'll bring all the food you have here. Then on the day of the move she said 'No I'm waiting for a parcel so I can't' From the day I moved back in it was a mistake. She non stop talked about herself. I tried my best to engage with the conversation but it was hard. Whenever I spoke to her about work or any other subject besides what she wanted to talk about she wouldn't listen or even acknowledge what I said and would just change the subject back to her. She would talk non stop to me about herself even when I was unwell. She was talking about how she wanted to move house and kept telling me I was moving with her even after 4 times of me telling her I'm moving again soon.

In 2019 after my break up I came out as bisexual and this is something she has never accepted and even spent the time I was back living there telling me I wasn't.

I recently moved to a new house on the edge of the north of the city. It's been just over two weeks and during that time she's only text me back on two of the days. I recently returned to work after furlough and was having a bad panic attack and she ignored my messages.

I have done so much for her over the years such as paying off her rent arrears, travelling back and forth to visit her when I lived away and looked after her when she's been unwell.

I'm 26 and feel like she's trying to control my life and using emotional guilt to trap me into doing everything she wants me to do.

AIBU to want to cut her out of my life?

OP posts:
SharedLife · 17/10/2020 14:44

Maybe theres no need to go "officially" NC. If you just stop making the effort it sounds like there wont really be any contact anyway. Sorry though OP, it sounds tough x

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 17/10/2020 14:47

If I'm really honest she's done you a lot of favours by allowing you to move back in with her over the years.

If she's been living on her own, especially if she doesn't have much contact with other people, it's natural to get a bit selfish or unpracticed with social niceties.

She doesn't sound particularly controlling at all, if anything it's the opposite as she is often unreachable.

Yanbu to want to cut anyone out of your life, but on this thread you've listed quite a few occassions where she's stepped up for you and provided you a home- even when you don't see eye to eye.

SimplyPizza · 17/10/2020 15:15

She can’t be that bad to live with, or her not wanting you to live there, if you went back to live with her multiple times when things fell through for you.

AwaAnBileYerHeid · 17/10/2020 15:57

"She can’t be that bad to live with, or her not wanting you to live there, if you went back to live with her multiple times when things fell through for you."

Perhaps it was that or the streets...?

Anordinarymum · 17/10/2020 16:01

Sorry OP but you sound awfully selfish here. Go back and read what you wrote.

tobedtoMNandfart · 17/10/2020 16:25

^^ I don't agree with this!

She sounds disinterested at best. Sorry. Try not to take it personally.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 17/10/2020 16:33

is that cut her out of your life as in never see her again, or cut her out of your life as in not having anything to do with her until the next time life gets a little bit tough and you decide you'll move back into her home again?

Original poster
StaceyLWard · 17/10/2020 16:53

I've always said I'm grateful that she allowed me to move back in. It was either that or I would have been on the streets. However, believe if at the time I could have put a deposit on a new place straight away and move there I would have.

If I don't text or call her first she will ignore me for days at a time until she wants to talk about something.

I've dealt with chronic anxiety and depression and she never offered to help and just told me to handle it.

I do try so hard with her but just feel like I get it thrown back at me.

OP posts:
Leaannb · 17/10/2020 17:14

@StaceyLWard

I've always said I'm grateful that she allowed me to move back in. It was either that or I would have been on the streets. However, believe if at the time I could have put a deposit on a new place straight away and move there I would have.

If I don't text or call her first she will ignore me for days at a time until she wants to talk about something.

I've dealt with chronic anxiety and depression and she never offered to help and just told me to handle it.

I do try so hard with her but just feel like I get it thrown back at me.

How exactly was she to help with your depression and anxiety? Is she a licensed therapist or p sycologist? These are issues you deal with your Healthcare providers
Tunnocks34 · 17/10/2020 17:18

I mean, she doesn’t sound like mum of the year but I don't think she sounds toxic at all.

If anything, I think you possibly sound a little wrapped up in yourself, which tbh isn’t a necessarily to worst thing.

Hope you get back on your feet.

SharedLife · 17/10/2020 17:19

@Leaannb listening ear, moral support, emotional support? My mum isnt a qualified health care provider but I wouldn't have got through my own period of anxiety with out her love and support.

Original poster
StaceyLWard · 17/10/2020 17:19

'How exactly was she to help with your depression and anxiety? Is she a licensed therapist or p sycologist? These are issues you deal with your Healthcare providers'

Maybe by when I was having a panic/anxiety attack not shout at me or slam doors to make them worse when she knew they were my triggers?

OP posts:
Nevergoingbackthere · 17/10/2020 17:29

Are you able to afford counselling in order to unpick the web of feelings you have for your mum? It sounds to me like she is toxic but then I have a toxic mother who I cut contact with so I may be projecting here. How do you feel about the abuse you suffered, what form did it take? For me the historic abuse was enough, coupled with the fact my mother is a narcissist who will never apologise and feels the world owes her. But if it wasn't for the abuse I suffered in the past I may not have cut contact as I could handle her as an adult. It's tricky to say for anyone else what your relationship is like or how you should proceed. Counselling, or even just some research (Stately Homes thread to start with, or the boom Toxic parents) may help. No parent is perfect but you have to put boundaries in place and in extreme cases this can mean cutting contact. Not everyone will understand but it's not their life, it's yours Flowers

Nevergoingbackthere · 17/10/2020 17:30

Book rather, not boom...

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 17/10/2020 17:44

Living with someone with depression, anxiety, panic attacks etc can be very wearing.

As much as your mum is maybe not the supportive, perhaps she’s trying to protect her own well-being as dealing with some of your issues can absolutely suck the life out of a person. Sometimes a bit of distance is necessary if you’re on shaky ground yourself.

She sounds like a perfunctory parent. She does what she has to. There is an underlying level of support there which you have used on multiple occasions. You may have preferred to have gone elsewhere, and she probably knows that, but she made her home available to you.

I hope you’re getting the help that you need from a professional. Hopefully that will help you understand or be able to manage your history with your mother better.

Poppingnostopping · 17/10/2020 17:57

OP I don't know why people having a go at you, clearly having a parent who has been physically and emotionally abusive is a very difficult thing to cope with and she's been rejecting along the way. Unfortunately you seem very bound up with her and still looking for her love and approval- perhaps you are dependent on her as you don't have so many friends or other things going on? I feel for you, things don't seem to be going your way. I don't have so many solutions (are you in touch with your GP about depression/anxiety?) but I do hear that things aren't ideal for you. I don't think they are for some other people here either otherwise they wouldn't be writing mean things on the internet to people on a Sat night. Good luck.

Princessbanana · 17/10/2020 17:59

You need to see a therapist and you need to cut your mother out of your life and it’s as simple as that! Why not take back the control and ignore her, don’t answer messages or respond and go very low contact, only respond when it suits you.

Princessbanana · 17/10/2020 18:00

Sorry, that came across harsh but it wasn’t meant to sound like that. You are clearly getting very worked up over someone that isn’t worth getting worked up over.🌸

Brunt0n · 17/10/2020 18:05

I don’t think she sounds toxic.
I do think you need to learn to stand on your own two feet, and not go running back to mummy every time, especially if you’re going to be this ungrateful about it

CHIRIBAYA · 17/10/2020 18:18

' Growing up was full of her shouting and being abusive, both emotionally and physically..'

Sounds pretty toxic to me. So does ignoring you, invalidating you, denying your feelings. and manipulating you. She sounds totally emtionally unavailable to you and with very little capacity for genuine intimacy. I would think very carefully about what you are hoping for from this relationship should you decide to continue with it; you could be waiting and wishing for something that is just never going to materialise. You will also, I suspect, be the one putting in all the work.

The chronic anxiety and depression you refer to are your biggest clues here. Do not ignore what they are trying to tell you. Trust in yourself to do what's right for you. Best of luck.

NiceandCalm · 17/10/2020 18:39

She wouldn't win 'mother of the year' but neither does she sound all bad. She sounds emotionally crippled though. We don't know her back story.
I think you need to give up expecting any emotional support from her and just accept 'it is what it is'. Be careful of cutting her out of your life if you even think you might need to move back in with her, as she sounds like she's your only option.

feelingsomewhatlost · 17/10/2020 18:51

I can't believe how unkind some of the comments are. If it was a friend behaving like this I bet everyone would be saying "cut them off, they're adding nothing to your life". No relationship is as straightforward as being 'good' or 'bad' but your mum sounds very self-absorbed with little interest in having a relationship with you unless it's 100% on her terms. I'd definitely recommend seeing someone if you can and maybe doing some reading up on boundaries/having a complicated relationship with a parent. I'm sorry you're going through this, no one wants to feel like their parent doesn't care about them Flowers

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread