was this normal or wrong?

[confusednc3]

I'm up in the middle of the night again remembering things that confuse me from my childhood.

When I was about 6, I spent a lot of time with my male cousins (at the time 7, 10, 13). We got on well and played together. But when all three of the boys were present, they tended to show off to each other and tease/lightly bully me. That's not what this is about. I remember sometimes being in the elder cousin's room with them and no adults around, and the elder brother would have tickle fights with me in front of the others, tickling all over. Sometimes he would play a game where I had to sit on his face (I often wore leggings but other times a dress and underwear) and he would 'struggle to breathe'. This was with the others watching and laughing along. I don't remember much about actually doing it, I remember what it felt like, maybe I thought it was fun too, I'm not sure.

I never told anyone else because it sounds silly and I don't know if the elder cousin even knew it was weird. And maybe I felt ashamed it happened.

Years later when I was ten, my cousin closer in age (then 11) played a game with me where he kissed me in my bed (clothes on) and said he loved me. He was always my favourite cousin and we were very close then, we even said we would get married but we were very tiny when we said it. The game was just a game but then I tried to 'play' getting away from him and he locked the bedroom door. Nothing else happened but I told my mum who later told my aunt and I think she spoke to him. I can't remember much of our relationship since but as adults he is basically no contact with me even though I never brought it up to him again.

As a child is also used to play games with my girl friends where we played 'boyfriend and girlfriend' but this felt different from the other things as we were just pretending and exploring being 'grown ups' (we would peck on the lips and make up a love story with a wedding but that's all). Now I wonder if that's wrong too, or if any of this is wrong or right.

I would really like some guidance, I am trying to process other things in my childhood that led to depression and anxiety as an adult but I don't know who to talk to about this or whether it's just silly kid games.

I think as children we are learning and exploring things with each other. If you were all playing together and laughing and joking then I don't see any harm? It would feel different if you was saying that you was uncomfortable or you didn't want too play.

It sounds as if when your cousin locked you in the room and you told to mum, after he was told off he didn't do it anymore?

I used to muck around with my male and female friends and cousins of about the same age, we did some stuff that was probably not the most sensible but we were all involved and I felt (looking back) that we all did things as much as the others so it felt jointly so it did not feel wrong nor doesn't now. So I left it in childhood

@notanotheronepleasee

I think as children we are learning and exploring things with each other. If you were all playing together and laughing and joking then I don't see any harm? It would feel different if you was saying that you was uncomfortable or you didn't want too play.

It sounds as if when your cousin locked you in the room and you told to mum, after he was told off he didn't do it anymore?

This

Sorry, maybe it should clarify about the face sitting game. He used to lie on the floor and lift me onto his face with my crotch over his mouth so he couldn't breathe properly. When he laughed or talked it tickled so I would try to squirm away and he would hold me there by my waist. I'm not sure if I liked it or not as I can't remember. I didn't really understand it very much though.

With the other things yes I think can understand it was childhood games and I don't harbour anything against my other cousin for kissing me, I think maybe he still remembers and finds it awkward but it didn't really upset me at the time.

Completely normal, childhood curiosity, like playing "kiss chase" at primary school, (Oooh, those Burt twins!! wonder what happened to them)

Your youngest cousin is NC with you because of this one incident. I wonder if he is blaming you for telling on him when you kept quiet about what his older brother did. Perhaps his mother told him off very severely. She definitely should have done. It’s a pity you never addressed the other things. But you were so very little.

At 11 your cousin should have known better than to lock you in a room. I can only imagine his interpretation is that you happily played along then told on him when in fact you’d suffered a series of abuses already and finally found your voice.

The family, not you sound messed up. My dd just turned 12 so I know a fair bit about the capacity for children this age. And some children do rape at 11 albeit rare. If an 11 yo boy had locked her in a room when she was 10, I would have been horrified.

I’d say you were the family female victim being groomed by 3 boys. Of course your younger cousin was also groomed to do odd things to you by his older brother. I can see why he feels widely conflicted and betrayed. None of this is your problem. Your parents failed to protect you. The boys parents failed to teach them to respect girls.

I'm pretty shocked people are saying it was normal, we're talking about a 6 year old girl and a 13 year old boy, not two kids the same age playing kiss chase. OP it was definitely not normal and your cousin was completely wrong to do that to such a little girl.

I don’t think a 13 yr old boy doing this to a 6 yr old girl is curiosity!!
Entirely inappropriate and he knew what he was doing.