Her boyfriend is cheating

[Fifegirl]

Hello! Need some advice as it’s been eating me up the past week.
So a friend of mine was told anonymously a while back that her soon to be husband has been cheating on her. He said it was to do with her jealous ex and she believed him so we all believed it too and supported her.

Anyway, it’s recently come to light from my partner that my friends guy has actually been cheating with multiple women.

She’s so in love with him that she will believe anything he tells her and I know she will end up falling out with me. But on the other hand I need to tell her as my friend.

My question is how do I tell her without it coming from me? Also as women what would you need to see as evidence so I can make sure she has it before she’s told?

You need to tell her OP. My friends kept something about my now ex Husband from me before I married him, and not even as serious as this. I would have had SERIOUS second thoughts about marrying him if I'd known.

Obviously I found out eventually (albeit after we'd already separated) then I found out they'd known the whole time, even the one who'd been my maid of honour. The anger and humiliation was indescribable, and I haven't spoken to most of them since.

She may hate the messenger now, but she will thank you in the end. If you don't tell her what you know and let her marry him you will most likely eventually lose her forever, and make her hurt so much worse than it could have been.

I think if I'm being honest yes I would want evidence if this was me. Can you get it?

@HowFastIsTooFast is right.

Do you have evidence that you can take to her?

Having been in this situ I am not sure you should tell. She will believe him and your friendship will suffer - shoot the messenger and all that. Unless you have hard evidence, I'd not get involved. He's already convinced her once.

My ex was like this. Luckily I never married him, but I wish people had said more to me about what they had seen.

I think a lot of them just assumed it wasn’t their business. But it could have saved me a decade of misery.

I think you should tell her, but only if you can give her evidence. That means photos, videos, written communications etc. Or at a push you need to have the ability to signpost her to a person who has evidence or a first-hand story and who will know dates/details that prove their story. You do have to accept that whilst your DP's word may be gospel to you, it isn't to her. Her DP's word is gospel to her. So you need to have more than "my partner says XYZ" if you're going to tell her anything. She quite obviously wants to believe him so without proof, I think you should leave her to it as she won't thank you or believe you.

How did your partner find out?

Concrete and undeniable evidence before any involvement.

Still, be prepared to potentially loose a friendship because of your honesty.

Prehaps because "shoot the messenger", prehaps because she'll choose to stay with him and feel humiliated that you were ever in the know.

Depends whats more important to you? Being honest and open, and 'doing the right thing'

Or having her as a friend, even if that means you not being as good a friend as you could be.

Its tricky. Just don't go without absolute concrete evidence.

So my partner told me he knows one of the women he went with. He told me he can get screenshots etc. The girl was furious when she found out he had a partner that she took these screenshots when he was ‘typing’ and ‘online’ when he decided to message her again.

The trouble is, they will both try and blame her ex even though this is completely separate.

Should I tell her or make it anonymous again?

My friend did this once as she hated seeing our friend being made a
mug of. But the friend didn't believe her and it all got really awkward and she says to this day, if she had her time again, she wouldn't have said a word. Awful because you don't want to see your friend being treated like that but she might not believe you x

I would tell her. Any real friend isn't going to allow him to make a fool of her and put her health at risk without her knowledge.

If she chooses to cut you out for telling you the truth, then she's not much of a friend. More importantly, if she continues a relationship with him, at least she's knowingly choosing what she's getting into.

Dont assume that you know what she'll do. Not all people are idiot shoot the messenger types.

I've been in this situation - with an ex who was a cheat, and I always had doubts about him. But it was only a gut instinct. I would have been very relieved if one of my friends had actually told me he had been cheating, but he was very good at covering his tracks and had in other towns, etc..

Unfortunately, if your friend is stupid enough not to believe you if you show her screenshots and this is the second time this has happened, then more fool her.

I had to get an STD test because of the way my ex behaved and feel very lucky not to have picked up an STD.

You need to tell her. You can’t win either way and will probably loose her friendship but if she found out that you knew and didn’t tell then that makes you more of the “bad guy”.
Your relationship with her is over anyway if you have to keep such a big secret. You need to tell her, tell her you love her and if she doesn’t see if right away let her know that your door is Always open (Ie so she doesn’t feel stuck and isolated when she figures out herself that she has to leave him).

She needs to know but you should be prepared for her not believing it.

Posted evidence? That way you can deny any involvement?

She's already been told. If you think she won't believe you, telling her is futile.

I would also question being friends with someone who would fall out with you over this. She would rather assume you to be untrustworthy than to investigate the truth.

I wouldn’t do this anonymously but equally I’d want to know how much I can trust this other woman.

If it’s any type of messaging service that can be faked I’d think they won’t believe it. But say it’s fb messenger and the same pic he uses, then I think that would be him.

I would tell my friend that I’m telling her because she should know but won’t judge her whatever she decides to do, I’m just here for her.

Would I want to know personally? Yes absolutely but I know I would believe my friends.

From the sounds of it OP is telling your friend going to change anything? I wouldn’t risk my friendship if you don’t have strong black and white evidence.

I think if you do it anonymously you’re just playing into this narrative that he’s creating about the jealous ex playing games. If you’re going to tell her then it should be done openly.

I would rather tell her upfront and risk losing a friendship than pretend you don’t know.

I would personally tell her but everyone's different.

However please don't post it anonymously. This happened to my friend - he was cheating , but not knowing who had sent it and what their motive was destroyed her.

Please tell her with evidence if you can. It's painful to be both the messenger and to receive such news, but as a friend I think you will ultimately be appreciated for doing this.

Oh man I would have to tell her.
Even if she doesn't believe you then that's her prerogative.
If I didn't say anything and she paid for a wedding and later a divorce with children involved, I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

At least if you tell her and she chooses to marry him anyway, then that's all you can do.

What a grim situation for you and her, sorry OP. I agree I would have to tell her and if it was a very good friend I think my conscience would prefer to risk a falling out than her being made a fool of and getting further into relationship where she is being cheated on. Try and get the screenshot you mention. Tell her face to face, in private, only what you have on good authority, and then let her decide what to do. I know you mentioned telling her in some way that doesn't implicate you but don't do this. she won't believe an anonymous message or letter and it won't be nicer for her not knowing who sent it.