People who blow hot and cold..

[DearyTearyMe]

Do my head in. Why?

I think some people might think this about me. I think I am fairly ordinary and run of the mill. Sometimes I have the confidence and energy and can talk to anyone but sometimes I just can't. People I know really well it is always fine but if I only know someone in passing then it can be difficult. If the other person approaches and wants to engage that's fine but I couldn't just shout across the street to initiate contact or just go up to people I don't know well. It is a bit of social anxiety I think and feeling people might not want to talk to me. I've always struggled with small talk and wish I was much better at it . Also it is about drawing attention to myself so I would happily say hello to anyone passing me if they look at me and look friendly but if they are not obviously looking at me in a friendly way I would find it hard to say hi if I only knew them a little bit. I might go up to someone if they are on their own but would struggle to go up to a group umless I know everyone well .Sometimes I am in a world of my own and don't see people til it is too late ,sometimes I am in a rush. I hope you get the picture . Obviously they might just be rude .

I am glad I no longer have to go to the school playground twice a day , it is tiring !

@AvoidingRealHumans I have experienced the opposite a few times. Pretty friendly in the environments I knew them from, generally 'off' during chance encounters.

I struggle badly with my life and mental health.
You wouldn’t know it even if you were close to me, but I do struggle daily.
Some days I’m just trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep going. I wouldn’t notice my own mother in front of me at those times and I’d keep walking lost in my own head, trying to keep my sanity.

I’m often described cold, uncaring or aloof. I’m honestly trying not to Chuck myself in front of a bus or break down in tears.

But some days are better and I’m the life of the party. So I can come across as very hot and cold. I don’t mean it.

@Kaiserin

I've got a boss who acts like that (workwise, e.g. when giving feedback) Everyone hates him. He's a controlling insecure prick, really.

Wondering if we work in the same place as you could have described our manager too....

It’s very unsettling in a work environment isn’t it?

Like I said, it's possible they simply don't like me.

OP they do my head in too. YANBU.

I am quite shy and rubbish at small talk, and am not keen on the school run (although it is better now we are not allowed to congregate) but still would always put on a smile and say hello to people even if didn’t stop to talk. Sometimes people chatted sometimes I was completely blanked. I used to find it odd. But usually they were talking ok to others. (This was pre-covid)

I have experienced this quite a few times in the past, in different situations/places and definitely used to always take it personally, presuming I had done something wrong, or one of my dcs had done something to their dc and trying to second guess what it was, and worrying about it.!

Now, although it still hurts, I am not as bothered, as just tend to put effort in with friends who I know aren’t like this.

There's different ways to blow hot and cold and depending on what they are doing, there could be different reasons.

Could you give an example?

I have one friend like this. I notice it usually coincides with an opinion I have that she doesn't agree with. For example, she firmly believes there is no racism in Britain and I posted an article written by black Britons about some of the systemic barriers they faced. After I posted that she went cold. She was cold for a few weeks, then fine again. Made an off the cuff comment about the article which confirmed by suspicions about why she went cold.

Weeks later after lots of normal friendship/banter etc, I then posted a really good info about health care for black Britons, followed by something shared by BLM that was very good and insightful and much related to what types of support are needed. A friend was involved in one of the articles and asked it was shared, especially by people in health and social care professions. I did. Well, within hours this other friend (the hot/cold one) completely went cold and has been for months. Any message is left with no possibility of back/forth chat. Literally a 180 turn - no commenting on my posts, no plans, nada.

I know she blocked everyone who posted differently about Brexit than she did. I didn't post about Brexit so wasn't one of them.

I miss the friendship and know she will come back eventually. It's really clear it is her issue, and that she can't cope with different perspectives, experiences etc and takes it very personally. It's like if you don't agree you think she's xyz. Which in fairness none of the articles shared said anything of the sort, all very much people's reflections. To me all this is a chance to learn, especially when presented as such. For her it's a bloody cheek that people think she's done something wrong - even though obviously the article wasn't about her, she wasn't tagged etc. Any difference of opinion = a slight against her. It must be hard to be her right now...

Hold your head high @DearyTearyMe. Hot/cold is a control thing and an inability to process/regulate emotions. Choose what type of friendship you want when it blows over. You be in the driving seat.

One of my uni housemates did this. One day would be your best mate and the next would decide today was the day she wouldn’t be speaking to you. I never knew where I stood and it was like treading on egg shells permanently. She had depression but it’s not an excuse to treat people like shit. And at 18 it wasn’t something I’d signed up for. I moved out.

@Irisheyesrsmiling

I have one friend like this. I notice it usually coincides with an opinion I have that she doesn't agree with. For example, she firmly believes there is no racism in Britain and I posted an article written by black Britons about some of the systemic barriers they faced. After I posted that she went cold. She was cold for a few weeks, then fine again. Made an off the cuff comment about the article which confirmed by suspicions about why she went cold.

Weeks later after lots of normal friendship/banter etc, I then posted a really good info about health care for black Britons, followed by something shared by BLM that was very good and insightful and much related to what types of support are needed. A friend was involved in one of the articles and asked it was shared, especially by people in health and social care professions. I did. Well, within hours this other friend (the hot/cold one) completely went cold and has been for months. Any message is left with no possibility of back/forth chat. Literally a 180 turn - no commenting on my posts, no plans, nada.

I know she blocked everyone who posted differently about Brexit than she did. I didn't post about Brexit so wasn't one of them.

I miss the friendship and know she will come back eventually. It's really clear it is her issue, and that she can't cope with different perspectives, experiences etc and takes it very personally. It's like if you don't agree you think she's xyz. Which in fairness none of the articles shared said anything of the sort, all very much people's reflections. To me all this is a chance to learn, especially when presented as such. For her it's a bloody cheek that people think she's done something wrong - even though obviously the article wasn't about her, she wasn't tagged etc. Any difference of opinion = a slight against her. It must be hard to be her right now...

Hold your head high @DearyTearyMe. Hot/cold is a control thing and an inability to process/regulate emotions. Choose what type of friendship you want when it blows over. You be in the driving seat.

@Irisheyesrsmiling

It’s like a form of gaslighting isn’t it?

I bet it is so hard to be her right now!!!

I had a “friend” who deleted everyone on her Facebook if they supported brexit, and again if they didn’t vote labour. She took it as a personal insult. Just couldn’t understand that people could think differently to her or be in different situations.

She didn’t delete me then (as I keep my political views private, and don’t tend to post anything like that on SM), but I have since been deleted.... (not sure why!!!)

Today nice as pie. "I'm always happy when you are here". It's a frustrating head fuck of epic proportions. Just shoot me now.

Because they’re moody, self absorbed

I know someone who does this. Although it's more blowing cool and frosty cold .

I've long since decided I can't be bothered with them. They're currently wondering why I don't invite them to anything and don't take up their offers to do things. Harsh, but I just can't be arsed with their behaviour and decided to spend my time and energy on people who are warm and friendly.
Why can't people just be normal? It's not hard.

YANBU I know some people say it’s because they don’t feel like talking or are busy but it doesn’t take anything to say a quick hi or smile. I don’t always feel like doing it but most people make themselves because it’s really rude not to.
I don’t acknowledge a neighbour at all now who behaves like this and it was a nightmare with my old boss who behaved the same. Both are incredible self absorbed so I’d say that’s the cause.

@wigglerose you’re right, just be normal. I wonder what they’d say if you told them why you don’t bother with them anymore. Surely they must know they aren’t friendly some days?

@abbyabal I have no idea to be honest how they'd react. I honestly think they'd be surprised and offended. I don't mean to come across as arrogant, or like I've got a standard of "you must be this friendly to interact with me -" but they've wasted the friendship we had so I don't care enough to want to know. I just interact with them in a friendly way when our paths cross (we have mutual friends) and leave it at that.

I'm not saying I'm perfect or everyone's cup of tea. Not everyone gets on really well and I respect that. I've met loads of people that I'm not keen on! But I can't be bothered with someone who acts really cold and awkward one minute with me, and friendly the next.

I’d really love to know why people do this....

They must know surely?

It’s totally different to just being busy, as normally if you’re in a rush you can still say hello, and a quick chat as you’re walking past. Or if you walk past someone without noticing at first, or are distracted, a quick text later to say sorry is the polite thing to do....