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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can a bad marriage turn good with work?

36 replies

Livelifejoyful · 15/10/2020 19:44

Is it possible for a bad relantionship to turn good if you both want to work on it? Problems being mainly toxic arguments.

OP posts:
Gemma2019 · 16/10/2020 09:02

If it already needs this much work after 3 years you should just give it up and move on, unless there are children involved or you are tied in to each other somehow. Relationships shouldn't be this hard.

thepeopleversuswork · 16/10/2020 09:19

@Gemma2019

If it already needs this much work after 3 years you should just give it up and move on, unless there are children involved or you are tied in to each other somehow. Relationships shouldn't be this hard.
This. Unless there are various significant reasons for staying, such as children and sometimes even then is it worth it?

"Working on a marriage" is IMHO code for "training yourself to put up with a lot of shit".

Why bother?

Original poster
Livelifejoyful · 16/10/2020 09:19

I don't understand why people give advice of giving up on marriage so easily. As if it isn't a contract that you enter into for life or something you just swap out so easily. We both want to work on it so that's what's matters and counts! And if you had read my previous posts you will see that our only issue is communication in heated situations! So you throw away an otherwise happy marriage because of that one thing? I think not.

OP posts:
thepeopleversuswork · 16/10/2020 09:30

Livelifejoyful

I understand we're not supposed to give up on marriage. I just don't see, on a cost/benefit analysis basis, what the upside is to forcing yourself to stay yoked together with someone who you've admitted can make you feel "toxic".

I don't think marriage obliges you to stay with someone through thick and thin so maybe coming from a different position but I don't see why you'd bother with something which doesn't enhance your life just for the sake of saying you'd stuck it out.

LeaveMyDamnJam · 16/10/2020 09:32

I’m firmly in the camp that marriage shouldn’t be hard work. Marriage should be about love and support. If you aren’t getting this then it isn’t worth it.

TweeterandtheMonkeyman · 16/10/2020 09:34

We were having awful, toxic arguments on pretty much a weekly basis. We both said really hurtful things, swore at each other, shouted (sometimes in front of the kids Sad ) , had days where we didn’t speak to each other. It was horrendous actually , but I don’t think either of us could fully see how bad it was.
Long story short- he had an affair & left. I went to counselling in the meantime (he refused couples counselling but I don’t think it would have helped us at that time!) .
We carried on having contact obviously because of the kids. One night we went for a drink together , and had a nice time . Within weeks he was back home & we spent weeks / months talking through what had happened, and how it had got that bad without us noticing. We are in a really good place now .... I found it easy to forgive the affair because bit was almost a relief at the time.
I can’t guarantee that we are fixed forever. But we are better placed to tackle our problems now. The arguments had completely stopped because we both realise how damaging they were to our relationship - but at the time we thought clearing the air with a healthy row was ok Confused We thought we were “fiery “ Hmm

nearertonature · 16/10/2020 09:39

Read seven principles of a successful marriage - all based on proper research. It's brilliant. I read it after my marriage was over but it really helped me to see, not only just how bad things were, but also why I stayed so long. I would definitely use the principles in any new relationship.

Though I do have to say that if things are so toxic after only three years I would be dubious, but read the book, do the exercises and give it a shot.

nearertonature · 16/10/2020 09:43

Ps, in the principles he says it is how you deal with disagreements is an extremely accurate predictor of whether a relationship with survive or fail. He has done research, replicated by other researchers following his method, where he asks couples to discuss something they disagree on or have been arguing about for 15 mins. He can predict with very high accuracy on the basis of this whether they will survive or fail.

Gemma2019 · 16/10/2020 11:28

OP if it's just "that one thing" then why refer to it as a bad relationship in your opening post? Yes it's good to work on a marriage before throwing in the towel, but there is no shame in walking away if you gave it a good try.

Zilla1 · 16/10/2020 14:26

OP, regarding your last post, I think some PPs might have in mind that it's easier to identify a problem than to fix it, even if you both want to ad even if that is the substantive problem. Some problems are indicators of things that won't be easily fixed if at all. It's a poor analogy but some people want to be thin and they might think not being thin is their only problem. Most people know how to get thin, eat less and healthier and exercise more. Some people manage it in a healthy way. Most don't. If it were easy, there would be many thinner people.

Good luck.

Yeahnahmum · 16/10/2020 14:32

You are only 3 years in? And already it ia toxic??? You should leave.
This it not working now and will not work out in the future. Love is not enough to stay in a relationship op. And commutation is one of the most (if not the most) important part of your relationship. So if you cant do that. You cant be in a relationship with one another

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