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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen boyfriend abuse

11 replies

nattonat · 15/10/2020 06:43

Hello

I need perspective. Within a week my husband has said he wants to leave me as he says I do 'fuck all' and my business partners have called me shady and freezing me out for a mistake I made, it was made because of the pressure of my personal life.

For the last 6 months I have been sole childcare provider for two under 5's at home all day during lockdown whilst being the breadwinner. With my business I have built this from scratch and currently working everyday until midnight after the children have gone to bed. I also have put £50k of my own money into the business which my business partners have not. Neither of them work until midnight and work less than half of my input.

I have always known I have no boundaries and get treated like a doormat. I always say 'I'll do that', 'I can take this on', 'yes that's fine' and by doing this have got myself into a cycle of being treated like a doormat by people around me.

So when people criticise or belittle me, (which has happened on a huge scale this week) I get rageful, upset, and angry. How dare they, do they not know the effort and work I am putting in. This happens all the time.

From the ages of 16-21 I had a boyfriend that mentally, physically and sexually abused me. I have never told anyone this due to the shame. I thought I had buried this for the last 20 years but I'm now thinking I have trauma from this experience. My first experience of love was abuse. I don't think I've actually trusted anyone since then and feel this could be the reason I take everything on, because I don't trust anyone to do things. It's like I have the total inability to receive support from anyone. I don't need anyone, I'll just do it all by myself. I feel I need to finally acknowledge this as I think it's fucking up my life.

AIBU thinking this? Does anyone have any experience with trauma and could this be the reason I feel like I do. I feel so stressed I feel like I'm having a constant heart attack. Everything has come to a head this week with the people closest to me criticising me when I couldn't do anymore.

Thank you for listening.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/10/2020 07:27

You are spot on
The abuse you received at a very tender age has skewed your perceptions and most critically boundaries

The good thing is you are realising this yourself

The not so good thing is you are clearly in a couple of toxic relationships with you need to get out of

Everyone says counselling and I ageee but if this isn’t feasible
Right now start doing
Some reading and watch Educators on YouTube and ted talks

Start a diary and start to develop your own boundaries

It doesn’t have to always be like this

But it’s work and effort to move out of it
Flowers

Original poster
nattonat · 15/10/2020 08:06

Thank you so much. I'm a total wreck. I don't know where to start. It's hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. Thank you

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/10/2020 11:32

One way to start is to start a diary
As cheesy as it’s sounds writing things down really helps
Then the next step is to educate
It’s very hard to make Change without the certainty that’s it’s right

It’s great you realise how screwed up it is , and you are not
The first or the last

I loved the freedom programme

But whatever you can do to realise this is human , normal
And you deserve better

FabbyChix · 15/10/2020 11:46

Why are you standing for all this shit. Stand up for yourself, jesus h christ, you've been so worn down you think you are worthless and it must be you

Original poster
nattonat · 15/10/2020 12:36

Thank you @Thisisworsethananticpated this is a great help!

OP posts:
Original poster
nattonat · 15/10/2020 12:38

@fabbychix I'm standing for it because I have very obviously have some trauma that has conditioned me to take it. I cannot tell you how hard it is for me to say no to this. It's like I physically can't let people down. If I do (like I have now) I feel pain like nothing else. This is not a normal way to live. I need to stop it. I need help.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 15/10/2020 14:25

At BT

KLCD · 16/10/2020 13:05

Your post absolutely broke my heart.
I experienced, what I know recognise as physical, mental and sexual abuse from the age of 14 to 17. I met my now husband at 17 and we have worked so hard to rebuild my life and get to a place where I feel 'manageable'. At 16 I tried to call the police after an incident and would told they would not take a report as they could smell alcohol and assumed I was intoxicated (in actual fact I had vodka thrown over me in anger). Instead they called my parents and told them I was drinking and was not in a good state of mind. I had actually not touched a sip of alcohol.

Even though I am incredibly so proud of my life and know how hard I work, if anything bad happens it puts me right back to where I was as a teen. It will forever affect my confidence and my outlook on life. But the difference now is that I can talk about it. I manage a businessand also have 2 under 5's.

If you ever want to talk, please feel free to PM me x

Whatismyproblem1 · 16/10/2020 20:52

I know exactly how to feel.
I grew up in a war zone with my parents at each other’s throats, and I didn’t really get much affection or love from them. My dad left, and my mum lived with her boyfriend when I was 15, only coming back to do a bit of washing and filling the fridge.
I met my boyfriend at 16, who was abusive, controlling and toxic. Not that I realised at the time.
I finally left him when I was 22, and had a huge breakdown. He was a narcissist. He chipped away at my self esteem for so long, not that I had much to begin with.

I’m 34 now, happily married to an amazing and patient man who was fully aware of my issues from the beginning. I still struggle now with my self worth. I still struggle to say no to people. I emotionally eat, my confidence isn’t great at times. I switch from being happy and finding it easy to like myself one day, and hating myself the next. However I’m working on it.
Counselling for me did not help at all.
Try some form of therapy that is solution based rather than going over and over what happened.
It takes a very long time, but it is doable! I’m having psychotherapy and hypnotherapy sessions. I pay private but it is worth it for me and my ex is still in my life due to our kids, so I still have to deal with him.
I hope you’re ok, and you are definitely not alone xx

Newmumatlast · 16/10/2020 20:54

@nattonat

Hello

I need perspective. Within a week my husband has said he wants to leave me as he says I do 'fuck all' and my business partners have called me shady and freezing me out for a mistake I made, it was made because of the pressure of my personal life.

For the last 6 months I have been sole childcare provider for two under 5's at home all day during lockdown whilst being the breadwinner. With my business I have built this from scratch and currently working everyday until midnight after the children have gone to bed. I also have put £50k of my own money into the business which my business partners have not. Neither of them work until midnight and work less than half of my input.

I have always known I have no boundaries and get treated like a doormat. I always say 'I'll do that', 'I can take this on', 'yes that's fine' and by doing this have got myself into a cycle of being treated like a doormat by people around me.

So when people criticise or belittle me, (which has happened on a huge scale this week) I get rageful, upset, and angry. How dare they, do they not know the effort and work I am putting in. This happens all the time.

From the ages of 16-21 I had a boyfriend that mentally, physically and sexually abused me. I have never told anyone this due to the shame. I thought I had buried this for the last 20 years but I'm now thinking I have trauma from this experience. My first experience of love was abuse. I don't think I've actually trusted anyone since then and feel this could be the reason I take everything on, because I don't trust anyone to do things. It's like I have the total inability to receive support from anyone. I don't need anyone, I'll just do it all by myself. I feel I need to finally acknowledge this as I think it's fucking up my life.

AIBU thinking this? Does anyone have any experience with trauma and could this be the reason I feel like I do. I feel so stressed I feel like I'm having a constant heart attack. Everything has come to a head this week with the people closest to me criticising me when I couldn't do anymore.

Thank you for listening.

go to counselling. 100%. It really worked for me Flowers
Newmumatlast · 16/10/2020 20:56

@FabbyChix

Why are you standing for all this shit. Stand up for yourself, jesus h christ, you've been so worn down you think you are worthless and it must be you
do you not understand domestic abuse at all?
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