To think DH should do what *i* want this Xmas?

[Emprexia]

Christmas is always a big to-do in my family, and every christmas we've spent part of the day at my parents house.

We used to stay over xmas eve until boxing day, and take it in turns with my brother and grandparents. Last time it was our turn, my brother had just got married so we gave up our turn so SIL could enjoy the family xmas experience, and the time before that we didn't because DH doesn't see the point in it as our own home is only 15 minutes away, and the other times mom and dad have invited us (like boxing night) he's not wanted to because we've had our step daughter or for some other reason

This year its our turn again, and DH is saying he doesn't want to for the same reasons, and i think its time he did what i wanted for a change. I can't remember the last time we spent the whole of xmas day at my parents house.

where are dh's family in this mix?

Could you spend all the day there, but he could go off and do something else for some of the day (particularly if he could come up with a face-saving lie about something he has to do)? Spending all day with someone else's family isn't really ideal, but that way you'd get all day there, if that's what you want.

By "our stepdaughter" do you mean his daughter?

I can sort of see both points really. But if you are spending the day itself there anyway...

Does he find it all a bit much do you think?

I do understand wanting to spend all of Christmas with your family, we did last year and it was fab - but I have to recognise that it's not as fab for dh, just as this year when we're spending the whole time with his family I'm not looking forward to it quite as much (and I genuinely love my in-laws).

I do think if I lived 15 mins down the road I would want to go home at night though. Or just spend one night there? Arrive in time for Christmas lunch and go home Boxing Day.

Or you could invite them to you perhaps?

Also, if there is a step-daughter, then your dh will want and need to spend time with her too.

Dh's parents are both deceased, and his siblings live a loooong way away, so its just my family and him.

He says its because my family's xmas is too regimented, and he wants to just be able to take it easy and not do anything unless he wants to, and that means HE wants to, including not getting up until the afternoon, not opening presents until HE's had his breakfast, and his shower and got dressed and eating Xmas dinner at 8pm.

Basically his idea of doing xmas his way, is treating it like any other day of the week. He can sit on his ass and lay in bed all day on any weekend he likes.

Staying at my parents is regimented, but its because we have a very traditional family xmas, and staying there also means that DH and I can have a drink to celebrate, wheras coming home means one of us has to stay sober.

I can't understand wanting to spend this amount of time at Christmas out of my home and with other people.

It would suffocate me - perhaps your dh feels a little the same?

You both need to compromise I reckon.

If it's true that 'every christmas we've spent part of the day at my parents house' as said in your OP, then I do think it would be a reasonable request from him to have a Christmas at home - your home.

I'm like you - Christmas with my family is quite structured, very traditional, lots of things we always do, and I do love it. But I know a lot of people for whom Christmas means being much more relaxed and not worrying about any 'rules'.

I have to say I think having Christmas at your home is a very reasonable request. But certainly you shouldn't end up trying to recreate a traditional Christmas on your own- it would be frustrating and exhausting to try.

Can you work out what in your Christmas is so essential to you that Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without it, and can you make a new Christmas together that your dh and you can both deal with?

For me, in fact Christmas Eve is the important day, and I run Christmas Eve largely the way I like it. Then I feel fine about having a much more relaxed Christmas Day (though I do insist on a stocking for ds which dh would otherwise not bother with I think). I also have a less 'social' Christmas than I might otherwise choose, because it's not relaxing for DH to see people all the time. I love him - he's my family now - and when I was a kid the GPs came to us always, rather than us going to the GPs.

Anyway, this is lengthy musing, but I'm just hoping that you can find it in your heart to give dh more of the kind of Christmas he wants. However, that doesn't mean that you do all the work while he slobs out, definitely not. Hope you get there.

Christmas can be such a PITA can't it

Why don't you go to your family and leave him at home if he doesn't want to go. He can always come and pick you up later (and you can just have the meal and have a drink as he'll be driving).

I know it's a family thing but it doesn't mean you have to be joined at the hip if he doesn't want to go and you really want to.