To ask how you deal with your toddlers tantrums

[weltonn]

Today has been horrendous, DS has been on top form and I've just had enough. I really feel like just walking out of the door and not coming back.

I'm drained and I don't know how much more I can take of it. Yes, family could take him for a couple of hours to give me a rest but it won't resolve the problem. He'll just be the same again tomorrow. I have tried the taking 5 minutes out thing too and having a breather and that only helps temporarily.

He doesn't listen to me ever and then I end up shouting at him and feeling so guilty afterwards and it's just a vicious cycle. My house is a mess, toys everywhere and that in itself is giving me anxiety. I can't stand mess, it makes me feel much worse.

I can't cope with this

Hopeful bump before I tear my hair out

OK, one day at a time, because this stage will pass, I promise.

Instead of getting angry at DC, practice taking the time to count to 10 in your head, then talking calmly to DC.

Ask DC ( in the calm voice ) to do whatever it is you want e.g put a toy away. Also tell DC that ''if you choose to put the toy away, we can play a game together, but if you choose to not do what I have asked, you will not be allowed to watch Paw Patrol before bed''

Always give a 'good' reward for 'good' behaviour, and a 'negative' result for 'bad' behaviour.

Above ALL, always follow through with whatever you've threatened them with, so if it's no TV programme, then DC does not get to watch it.

After you've actually followed through with the 'punishments' a few times, the DC knows you're not bluffing, and the behaviour should improve. But you need to stay calm, because kids copy what they see, so if you get all shouty, then so will they.

We had a plastic box on the side that a toy would go in if DS was naughty or didn’t do what he was asked. Always given a warning first and if it continued the toy would go away for a day. We tried time outs and the like but this was the only thing that worked. He is four now and we still use it occasionally but usually the warning is enough

I feel your pain OP, not being listened to, the mess. Parenting a toddler feels like working for the cruelest master sometimes...

Only thing I can add to the above advice is that sometimes you just have to adjust your expectations. Toddlers just aren't reasonable and you can either tear your hair out trying to get them to behave a certain way or accept that this is part of their development. Clearly there are boundaries when it comes to safety but otherwise is there anything you can relax on a bit? Pick your battles so to speak?

It’s a really hard age. My 2.5 year old is starting to tantrum basically every time I say no 🙄

Counting to ten and not giving in are good tactics i’ve learnt. Sometimes I let him cry to just get out the raw emotion and then try to calm him down. Have a few things that you can drag out to distract- play doh is a good one.

Also removing him from the room the tantrum started in, so go into the kitchen or I’ve been known to drag him into the bathroom it’s a good distraction.

When out it is harder and I absolutely feel stressed and get mum sweats while trying just to get in and out if shops. He’s screamed till bright red, on the floor in Sainsbury’s. Snacks or chocolate help 😕

With the mess could you make him help tidy and turn it into a game? I say this but even I find that hard. Although I did hide the bricks because he just threw them around the house.

Just know your not the only one ... Good Luck 😉

I work with toddlers and they are as frustrating as they are amazing.

Decide how you want your routine to be, and stick to it. Personally, i think it's too young for any kind of punishments as they don't have impulse control. However, they respond very well to routines and consistency.

One practical tip as you mentioned mess being an issue.....have a 'tidy up' song. Anything...but always play/sing it when you want to tidy up. Show/do the tidying up and insist they are present, give loads of praise if they help and sooner or later they will do it too.

If you have put a boundary in place (anything from no more TV to we're leaving the house now), stick to it. Yes, there will be some upset, but then they will quickly learn that you are in charge and screaming DOESN'T change it.

My son was VERY feisty when he was younger so I did a lot of reading and research and found that if they are struggling with big feelings, 'sportscasting' can help. " I can see you are really angry that I took the lethal sharp knife off you, but I can't let you chop off the dog's foot, I'll be here with a cuddle when you want it" - it REALLY helped me to stay calm. Also, thinking of feelings as being a tunnel...they have to go through to get to the other side....so don't distract, let them have their feelings...they tend to pass quicker that way.

I also talked about feelings a lot when they were calm to help prepare us both for when a meltdown happened.

And retreat to a dark room and scream into a pillow occasionally!! They DO get easier, honest.

She gets a warning, if she does it again we use naughty step and she has to apologise before she can come off.

If really bad she gets put in her room again until she apologises

You need to think about a memory that will be your 'anchor' to help you stay calm and stop your self that wants to shout realise it's not an emergency.

Also someone once told me all behaviour is communication. Something's wrong and not communicating what in the right way.

Remember that your toddlers feelings are real and valid and deserve respect. They get upset about the weirdest, most irrational things but the feeling of frustration/confusion/disappointment is very real to them. So take a step back and ask "what would I want someone to do if I was feeling this way?"

Usually naming the emotion "you're so cross/disappointed. That's a big feeling" helps in the long run as, eventually, they'll have the words to tell you instead of screaming. But otherwise, just say "it's okay to be angry but it's not okay to hit/kick. Here is a safe place for you to feel your feelings and we'll chat again when you're calm" then just stay nearby until they're done. Can take a while but preferable to both of you shouting and ending up in tears.

Easier said than done though, I grant you.

I remember being advised to remember that they're not giving you a hard time - they're having a hard time. They can't yet control their emotions. I used to let mine have her tantrum and tell her that when she was ready I was here with a hug if she needed one. I like to think that this approach lessened the intensity and frequency of them - but it might be that she outgrew them!! We bypassed the terrible twos though and tantrums only started when she was three.