So I can stop continually being stuck in the middle and to see them fulfil their lives and enjoy mine.
Apologies in advance if any terms I use aren't correct, if anything offends anyone- I am just a bit down, fed up and upset about it and posting for traffic and support.
Long long backstory but father has bipolar (diagnosed 25yrs ago), mother has depression and is generally quite negative and guarded- although would do things for others to be kind. My father is up and down, but mostly a kind, happy albeit a bit too full on/over friendly man- who thinks everyone is his friend. I don't think If I sat down and said - why are you together they would name any other reason other than financially it is easier. Occasionally he reaches times of deep stress and gets v low. Or goes on a high- which of course isn't easy.
My mother is on antidepressants and without them doesn't cope well, has never really seemed that happy and I would argue she lived her life through me and my hobbies and my father through my siblings sport- I won't say what they are as this is already a rather outting post . She doesn't seem to have many friends and admitted she is shy- but the issue really is she comes across as negative, will say comments without any real awareness (sober and drunk) that what she is saying is offensive to the other person. She has one hobby finally and this consumes her time and a part time job. My father is retired but desperately trying to find work and always has "something on the go" .
Both my parents drink every evening, and of a weekend sometimes from lunch. Not spirits but beer and wine. My mother speaks her mind when she's had wine and when I am home not a single nice thing is being said between her and my father. The bicker non stop. It isn't fun to be around
I went home the other weekend and they barely spoke- my mother used me to vent and tell me everything Dad had said and done recently, how the house move was concerning her, my father was either at the pub, or home on his laptop, or in his "office"- he barely spoke to me other than to tell me what I needed to move out of the house, oh and his parting comment (try and go for some runs in London). My mother also said "Im surprised you bought a dress for said friends wedding as you might be smaller by then- I am a size 8/10 instead of my pre lockdown size 6-8. I drove back to London downbeat and sad.
Myself- live in London, return home to escape to the country and spend time with them and see local friends, I am in my early thirties. I have a lot of pressure to "come home"- a lot. If I ever previously suggested Xmas with a partner, or holiday instead the disappointment I was shown made me feel intensely guilty. I am currently single so do not have that support- and I would add most exes of myself and sibling don't enjoy their company together.
They are due to move house shortly and the constant arguing about it is awful.
My mother has said previously comments such as "If I had my time again I wouldn't have been with your father" - "I could've had a better life without him" and "It is easier to live a down trodden existence than speak up and annoy him"
I grew up with the belief of not being able to speak up for myself, being careful of what I said around my father (told to me by mother) and realise now that I am scared to speak up for myself. I am actually a kind, confident and happy individual (albeit my mental health struggles)
I was seeing a weekly therapist until lockdown, but I do not feel it gets my anywhere. I have this strange pull back to my parents of not being able to confront the situation, put my foot down and say "I am not coming home if this is the way it is"
I am in the process of searching for a home outside of London so I can have space away from them- part of me wants to buy two Hours away and then get some distance. I am absolutely dreading the house move (I need to move some of my belongings out into storage) and even more so I am dreading Christmas. I cannot remember a Christmas I didn't go to my room and cry.
At the same time they do a lot for me (help with house moves, look after my dog if needed etc!) and of course I love them both.
I just don't actually know how to tackle or help them and thus me. I don't even know why I am posting other than I just broke down in tears for a moment when she ended a phone call with me (I phoned for a catch up) because "Dad needed her and when I said to tell him to wait she said - its easier to live a down trodden life"....
My concerns- they'd be lost without me
Both have previously said we would all be better off without them and that makes me concerned suicide would cross their mind.