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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Forcing child to eat

44 replies

ScarMatty · 13/10/2020 18:48

I don't think AIBU, and definitely need this more for a rant

Currently live with in laws. Not a choice thing, only option right now so no "well just move out then"

DS is a toddler and with food I am very much 'take it or leave it'. I cook one meal, and ensure I know that at least 50% of the food on the plate is something he likes.

If he eats it all, great.

If he eats 5 mouthfuls, great.

If he doesn't touch it at all, no problem at all.

I don't offer other options, I don't get into a battle, it's simply "ok no problem" when he says he is done

Works fine when it's just me and him at home

But in-laws with literally chase him around the house with a spoon, cook 5 other meals, start saying "you need to eat more, you can't be full yet, it's no good you're not eating" etc etc and are obsessed with how much he eats.

AIBU to think this is absolutely ridiculous? Or should I be 'forcing' more?

OP posts:

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 13/10/2020 19:20

It sounds fine as long as:

he is a healthy weight and growing
he is eating varied food (eg not ignoring everything but fruit or dessert or something).

If he is underweight OR not eating a varied diet and can understand their concern, although their approach isn't helpful.

mynameiscalypso · 13/10/2020 19:24

My in laws and my parents (and, to some extent, my DH) do this too. Not quite to the chasing extent but always cajoling and trying to force him to eat/eat vegetables. It drives me mad. I've said not to but I think it's so ingrained in them that they do it without thinking. Luckily I supervise most of his meals solo or he eats at nursery (who have exactly the same attitude). I think the most annoying thing is when DS grudgingly eats a bite (when I can tell he's not keen) and then they feel like they were right!

1forAll74 · 13/10/2020 19:34

Your inlaws should know better, but obviously they don't know anything.
Your way is best, and the way to go.. If you start all this pandering about, and stuff, it makes everything into a big issue with food.

I have witnessed that kind of scene many times where people do exactly what your inlaws do, re a child being fed, it's stupid and senseless, but you have to feel sorry for people who do this, they make things very stressful for everyone.

Original poster

ScarMatty · 13/10/2020 19:47

@NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

It sounds fine as long as:

he is a healthy weight and growing
he is eating varied food (eg not ignoring everything but fruit or dessert or something).

If he is underweight OR not eating a varied diet and can understand their concern, although their approach isn't helpful.

Yes I totally agree. He is exactly on the 50th centile for weight, and has been weirdly since the day he was born.

I also don't offer dessert unless we just happen to have something in the house, so it definitely isn't a case of not eating dinner because something better might come along if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Longwhiskers14 · 13/10/2020 19:47

My MIL was a bit like this when my DC was smaller, because she's very much of the 'clear your plate' generation, as is my mum. But that's why me and my OH have a weight problem as adults, because we were forced to eat when we were already full and now we don't know how to stop as our hunger cues are screwed! Our DC on the other hand eat as much or as little as they need and are healthier for it. So my advice is keep doing what you're doing and move the evening meal time so your in-laws can't interfere.

Original poster

ScarMatty · 13/10/2020 19:48

@mynameiscalypso

Haha your post has really made me chuckle because the one bite thing happens here too!

"See, he ate that spoonful, he must be hungry, fetch some more food"

No, he ate it because you've been forcing him for over 30 minutes

OP posts:

Original poster

ScarMatty · 13/10/2020 19:50

@1forAll74

You're absolutely right and I think the stress aspect is what upsets me more than the actual food thing.

For me dinner times are a relaxed thing where you join as a family together when you may have been apart all day and so I really do try to make them as comfortable as possible for everyone, so when this huge bundle of stress is added it just works me up. I never want what is supposed to be family time associated with stress, absolutely unnecessary and avoidable stress

OP posts:

GabsAlot · 13/10/2020 19:58

theyre just going to give him a complex chaasing him round the house with food

change the dinner time or get your dh to say it has to stop

RedWine123 · 13/10/2020 20:05

Yanbu OP.

BobsyerUncleFannysyerAunt · 13/10/2020 20:11

They've changed it into a marvellous game for your son, no wonder he runs around
I agree with you, if he doesn't it it, it's fine

pickingdaisies · 13/10/2020 20:12

Sounds like your ds thinks it's a game. Reminds me of chasing my 2yo DD round the house trying to get her dressed so I could get her brother to school on time. Those were the days.

lobsteroll · 13/10/2020 20:24

Your method definitely works! I've done it with both and my second is just coming into the fussy phase and it's SO hard not to try and cajole her along but I know it's worth it because my eldest eats just fine now. She doesn't like everything yet but that's also fine too. My mantra to them is "ah ok; you're still learning to like that one, we'll try it again next time"

Def get your husband to have the conversation with them. Good luck!

Original poster

ScarMatty · 13/10/2020 20:25

@lobsteroll

That's a really great phrase to use, thank you so much!

OP posts:

lobsteroll · 13/10/2020 20:30

@ScarMatty I read it on Instagram one time and it made so much sense. Takes the negativity out of food refusal and doesn't make them feel like they've failed.

My eldest is out of the habit of saying "I don't like that" now because I've drummed it into her. I even hear her saying to her sister "if you're still learning to like that one, I'll eat it for you" 🤣🤣 it's usually when chocolate is involved though which neither of them have an issue with funnily enough...

imamearcat · 14/10/2020 00:06

Yes and no, my kids are generally not that interested in food (skinny), but then happy to snack later. So I do encourage a spoon or two and then they normally get into it.

If they don't like it, fine. Or if they are not hungry fine. But don't say you don't like it because you loved it last week!

Anordinarymum · 14/10/2020 00:16

I hate it when I hear about grandparents interfering like this. Unless there is something really wrong such as child neglect prompting them to get involved, grandparents should be a support system for the parents and no more.
How can a family bond when stupid people do stupid things like this ?

My daughter and grandson currently live with me. She makes all the decisions and I respect this; unless she asks me what I think I stay out of what he eats, and how he is disciplined. I always back her up in front of him, but occasionally I pull her on something and she listens to me, but it is ultimately her decision how she parents him.

Elsewyre · 14/10/2020 00:17

Sounds kind of adorable grandparents chasing their grandchild around with a spoon

Elsewyre · 14/10/2020 00:17

Sit back laugh and enjoy the show

Original poster

ScarMatty · 14/10/2020 08:20

@Elsewyre

Sounds kind of adorable grandparents chasing their grandchild around with a spoon

Haha I wish it was adorable but it just causes stress

OP posts:

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