Regret of my life

[beaglelover2]

Hello all. I need some help ASAP. Listen, I have been a mother for many years and a wife for even longer. I love it and I love my family dearly. But sometimes I feel like I regret the path I am on. It's always the same old same old. Same chores, same people, same events. I am sick of it but I really do love my family. I don't think a holiday will help me out. I really need some advice on how to feel better and quell my regrets. Please answer xx

Feeling the same just now. Sorry

What do you regret not doing?

Sounds like you need a big shake-up in life. Time to retrain for a new job? Move country and learn a new language? Or even, start saying yes to everything that comes along. Get a tattoo. Go skydiving.

@flaviaritt

What do you regret not doing?

Maybe travelling more, advancing in my job, having more fun and taking time for myself xx

So obviously some of those things are hard to do with kids. None of us likely to be travelling much for a while. What’s stopping you having fun, or advancing professionally?

Yup. I love my children so much. But when I'm sleep deprived and they're crying/fighting I do say to myself 'what the fuck did I do'

How old are you OP? How old are your kids?

I did it the other way round, did travelling/career then had kids late. The disadvantages to this are that I'm both old and knackered now and can't do some of the things I'd have done with my kids if I'd been 10-20 years younger.

Also, I have several friends who had kids young and are now retraining, having fun being grandparents (to children older than mine ), so there's still time to do these things. Don't write yourself off just yet.

Ok, so what’s stopping you advancing in your job, having fun and making time for yourself ?

How old are your kids and is their father around ?

I know that lots of hobbies etc are not happening right now but some are.

It is relentless yes and you are not alone feeling how you do. It gets easier as the kids get older and you get time to yourself x

I get where you’re coming from.

I had kids later than my family/friendship group. I really made the most of uni and was a proper party girl most of my 20s. I travelled a lot, lived in London, dated a lot. When I met dh and had dd, at 31, I was ready to put that life behind me and start a new chapter. Then I had 2 more dc and now, at 40, I’m feeling lost, fed up and bored. I love dc more than anything and I do love my life. It’s just, it’s all so vanilla. Sometimes I crave that fun, excitement and unpredictability that came with my twenties!

I don’t know what the answer is I’m hoping Covid has just put me in a funk and I’ll snap out of it.

I have started running which has helped massively improve my mood. I’ve also started making more of an effort with my appearance which has boosted my confidence and self esteem. I’ve also done an online refresher course as I’m looking to get back to work since dc started school in September.

You can start now. Although with the virus I think many of us are feeling like we’re not living our lives to the full.

Been there and got the Tshirt too.

The only way out has been to actually DO all those things anyway.

I retrained, took time for myself/self care. I stopped asking if it was ok for me to do that. After all, my DH never asked me if it was ok for him to do all those things either. If he wants to go for a run, he tells me and goes. If he needed to go away with work (ore covid), he did.
I, on the other side, have feeling crap because doing any of those things meant I wasn’t there For the dcs, I was asking soooo much from my DH blabla.

Things only got better when I stopped expecting to follow our society expectations of being a SAHM but manage to work and still keep a spotless house wo ever asking DH. And somehow be content with that.
Expecting DH to step up. That my life is just as I portant than his, including my hobbies and interests . That the dcs can be cared just as well by their dad rather than just me, the mum. That he can do some HW too (by that I mean just the lip service cleaning of vaguely tidying up the dishwasher but the real cleaning of the house).

If you want to have some career progression, go for it. You want time for yourself, take it.
Because otherwise, you’re right, it’s boring. And it reduces your life to a shell and doesn't make for a happy life (or at least not mine anyway)

Maybe travelling more, advancing in my job, having more fun and taking time for myself xx

They're good aspirations, OP! Maybe try and turn them into more concrete dream-goals, e.g. "I'd like to visit this place" or "I'd like to spend time doing this hobby". Then identify any obstacles. See if there's solutions. Maybe downsize your aspirations at bit... Till your dreams and reality are a good fit... Then do it!

Lots of things depend on the age of the children. But the great thing about children is that they grow up!

I used to have a finance director in my old company who took his kids
hill walking with him and his DW. Their big trip when the kids were about 6 and 8 years old was in the foothills of the Himalayas!

Travelling with children isn't easy but, with planning and a bit of compromise, it's doable. You may not want to go far off the beaten track when you've got children in tow but you can still see bits of the country you're in.

Advancing in your career? Can you take more qualifications? Places like the OU or certain professional bodies can offer distance learning. Even doing an OU course for interest keeps the mind ticking over. My friend did a course on geology with the OU as she had always wanted to do it and could fit it in when the kids were in school or in bed. Didn't help her career but learning isn't always linked to a career outcome - sometimes it's just the sheer joy of learning and it's a great thing for the kids to see that learning carries on throughout life.

Getting me time depends on how much support you get. Getting time for hobbies or friends is important. Or even just having a night away in a city that has a museum you want to see or an area you'd like to visit on your own.

Have you spoken to your family about it? It's fine to try to 'quell' the feelings but it's a lot better if you can say 'this is what I need, and I need you to help me get it'. After all, if you don't say you need it, you won't get it. You need to identify what you need. Saying 'I want to advance my career' is fine. But saying 'I want to do an evening class in x' or 'I've found a great professional course I can do' will set you on the road and help your DH or whoever understand what support you'll need.

I started my own business at the age of 54. Total change in direction. Life's too short to not give things a go.

I love that more women are speaking out about this!! More power to us!

How old are your dc ? How much time can you take for yourself realistically ?

I have a friend who feels just like you but bemoans the fact that she has no time with dc , work and home BUT .. the DC are 18 and 15. She spends her 'free time' driving them around, tidying their bedrooms, doing their washing.. AND IRONING (what's an iron ) .. she makes their packed lunches.. cooks every night.. you get the picture.. they do f all..

If the DC are of secondary school age ALL these chores should be spread between the three of them and their mother would actually HAVE the time to do other stuff.. but we women are sometimes our own worst enemy and wear the badge of motherhood until the last bloody moment - taking no time for ourselves. .. take of the badge OP.at least for a few hours a week and start making a plan for YOU.

For myself I'm doing a degree with the OU.. for no other reason than because I want to.. I also learned to sail.. which has opened up so many opportunities and fun experiences. I wave goodbye to the kids and tell them to make their own supper.. the world is waiting for you.

If kids are younger then it's much tougher. But still doable to a lesser degree.

@Kaiserin, why should the OP downsize her aspirations a bit?

Have you seen many men doing that for the sake off. Their family/children/partners

@flaviaritt

"What do you regret not doing?"

Maybe travelling more, advancing in my job, having more fun and taking time for myself xx

You're not dead yet, op. You can do any and all of those things if you put your mind to it.

Start with gratitude for what you have. Those people in your life are real and need your love. If you are bored with it then switch things up a bit. Get hobbies, write goals for yourself, learn new skills. The list of possibilities is endless. Remember people would love to have what you have. You can make opportunities for yourself to make your life more interesting and still be a wife and mum.

“A dream without a plan is just a wish.” I understand your feelings. Life can be small when you have a family. There is a Jazz club I went to in Rome before I got married. Lately I have been wondering if I will ever see it again. I can’t see how as there is no one who would have my kids for a weekend. Enough about me. Can you break down your dreams into manageable attainable goals? I know Covid makes life hard to plan right now. But a plan is what you need.