To feel I’ve really achieved nothing of note

[ThreenagerToTeenager]

Lately I’ve been conscious of the fact that I’m not really great at anything- I’m not an excellent or even better than average singer/dancer/writer/musician/coder/athlete/whatever.

I think that’s probably pretty common, and that most people don’t stand out in life. I recognise that, yet over the last couple of years I’ve been nagged by a feeling that if I dropped dead, I would leave nothing of note bar my children. I feel I should be doing more somehow.

What is this strange unease and do others experience this? Is it a midlife crisis?! Am I about to run off with a younger man and buy a Ferrari? Is dying my hair blue and taking up competitive aerial yoga the only way to shake it?!

Well I feel the same except I don't even have children yet and it's looking more and more like I won't have any. I guess when we're young we have dreams and think we will achieve something. But there comes a point when we have to accept we're not special in any way and we're all just paying bills and trying to enjoy what we've got.

I've felt the same for many years and haven't got an answer except that remember how many small stones it takes to support the big stone at the top of a pyramid - and how many small nuts and bolts are in a car engine and without any of these small nuts and bolts the engine will fail.

Each and every one of us is important in the make up of the world but very few will actually be known for their part!!!

But your family would remember you and all of the special things you have done for them.

I felt the same and following the birth of my kid, I realised I wasn’t much of an inspiration to him. So I went back to uni to do a Masters. Feel brilliant now.

I think it is given to very few of us to leave anything of note when we die. Unless you are Michelangelo or Mozart or Jane Austen or Einstein. There will be people who had novels published in the 70s/80s whom nobody remembers now. How many of Margaret Thatcher’s first cabinet could you name? I never had children or a stellar career but am enjoying my life for what it is.

You would 'would leave nothing of note bar your children '??

In my mind there's little more 'of note' ever than making and shaping new human beings. Maybe that's just me, though. I don't mean that being a mum is the be all and end all or that you shouldn't want to aim for anything else - I just mean, don't downplay how huge it is to have brought these children into the world.

Every 5 years i get an attack of ‘ive done nothing with my life...i should really do something’

Then i sit down for a while til the feeling goes Away

I think its perfectly natural to feel this way

Me neither. I’m 40 and I’ve achieved nothing.

I got married at 31 (for the second time, I couldn’t even get that right!), I had a proper wedding and asked my dad to do a speech.

He said he wouldn’t know what to say as usually the father of the bride talks about their daughters achievements, or how they had made them proud - I’d done nothing at all, there was nothing to say. He was right. But it stung.

I have tried to do things in my life but I’ve always failed. Mainly due to having no contacts, no experience, no confidence. I’m 40 now and I’m okay with being bottom of the pile. If we all lived our dreams, it would be chaos.

He said he wouldn’t know what to say as usually the father of the bride talks about their daughters achievements, or how they had made them proud - I’d done nothing at all, there was nothing to say. He was right. But it stung

Im sorry...I appreciate you probably love your dad but he sounds like a twat

@RufustheSniggeringReindeer oh yes, he is a test and that was a horrible thing to say. But he was right. I’m not even that likeable. There’s nothing anyone could say about me.

He said he wouldn’t know what to say as usually the father of the bride talks about their daughters achievements, or how they had made them proud - I’d done nothing at all, there was nothing to say. He was right. But it stung.

That was a horrible thing for him to say. He could have talked of his memories of you as a little girl and growing up, funny things you said and did, and so on.

@CounsellorTroi

I think it is given to very few of us to leave anything of note when we die. Unless you are Michelangelo or Mozart or Jane Austen or Einstein. There will be people who had novels published in the 70s/80s whom nobody remembers now. How many of Margaret Thatcher’s first cabinet could you name? I never had children or a stellar career but am enjoying my life for what it is.

This. I've published a (very small) handful of academic books and someone said to me that it would mean I left something behind and I laughed - of all the academic books published in the 1950s, say, a tiny proportion are still actively read and cited. My books will sit on a few library shelves but it will make no difference to how I'm remembered and, like almost everyone, my immediate family and very close friends will be the only people who think about me a few years after I die. The bar for achieving something that will actually be a lasting legacy outside your family is very high and a tiny, tiny proportion of people achieve it.

For most of us, once a couple of generations have passed, we will be forgotten. I don't know the names of any of my great grandparents, I don't know what they did in life. A lot of so called "famous" people today will be forgotten about in years to come. I'm fine with that. I just think "am I happy today?" and if I am then that's enough.

[quote WankPuffins]@RufustheSniggeringReindeer oh yes, he is a test and that was a horrible thing to say. But he was right. I’m not even that likeable. There’s nothing anyone could say about me.[/quote]
He is not right, and it's really sad that he's made you feel he was. You may not have ticked off lists of achievements but I am sure that there are plenty of positive, loving things that could be said about you - I really hope that your husband said some of them instead!

Watch It’s A Wonderful Life again. Each person’s life touches so many others. George Bailey thought he was a failure and that his family would be better off without him, but no!

A lot of so called "famous" people today will be forgotten about in years to come.

Almost all of them. People who were wildly famous in the 1950s, and who were pretty famous in the 1980s, are now nearly all just tricky pub quiz questions to anyone except those who knew them personally.

I bet theres loads of good things about you

There’s good things about loads of people

How very dare he!

And yeah he could have talked about your childhood, your sense of humour all sorts of things

Some people are just so stupid

Im really annoyed at him

Most people do ‘nothing of note’.

We live our lives and try to enjoy ourselves.

Figure out what would be ‘of note’ to you and go do it! But yeah you might not be global superstar or whatever

It’s kind of - oddly - comforting to see I’m not the only one! I’m not at all unhappy. In many if not most respects I have a lovely life. It’s just that as I grow older I do feel a sort of voice in my head saying ‘shouldn’t you perhaps at least try to do more than... this gestures around at the general mediocrity’

@WankPuffins
I think your dad was very cruel, and that his comment says much more about him than about you. I very much doubt that it’s true, no matter what your upbringing with him has conditioned you to think about yourself. For example, (and of course this probably isn’t the kind of thing you’d want said at a wedding!) you clearly are braver and stronger than many of us, to have withstood a failed marriage and to have not only held your head up and keep going but actually, to have found love again. Similarly, whether your first marriage ultimately worked out or not, not one but two people found you so worthy of their time and love that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with you. You have much to offer and it’s your dads loss if he doesn’t care to look closely enough to see that.

I think your dad was very cruel, and that his comment says much more about him than about you. I very much doubt that it’s true, no matter what your upbringing with him has conditioned you to think about yourself. For example, (and of course this probably isn’t the kind of thing you’d want said at a wedding!) you clearly are braver and stronger than many of us, to have withstood a failed marriage and to have not only held your head up and keep going but actually, to have found love again. Similarly, whether your first marriage ultimately worked out or not, not one but two people found you so worthy of their time and love that they wanted to spend the rest of their lives with you. You have much to offer and it’s your dads loss if he doesn’t care to look closely enough to see that.

This was kind, thoughtfully and well written and insightful. In fact, I'd say it shows that you are great at something, even if relating to others isn't touted as a skill or a talent (probably because it's seen as primarily a feminine thing...)

I sometime think this... Then I think about the people in my family who have gone. They might not have achieved huge career or financial success but their lives were worthwhile and meant so much to other people. Try to realise your own life is the same.

OP, I feel the same from time to time... A friend gave me a card with this quote on it: Human beings who have behind them no great achievements, but only a sequence of small kindnesses, have not have wasted lives' Charlotte Gray. I have it pinned up and read it when I feel like I have had no impact on the world... when I think it through, I realise I have made a positive impact on lots of peoples lives - but not in a publicly validated way. So no books published, no awards, no significant contribution to human knowledge. But I have helped friends in very difficult situations; been the shoulder to cry on; the non-judgemental listener etc. I try to be kind, try to see both sides and be calm in a crisis.

He said he wouldn’t know what to say as usually the father of the bride talks about their daughters achievements, or how they had made them proud - I’d done nothing at all, there was nothing to say. He was right. But it stung.
This father's comments says more about him and his values than it does about his daughter. His failure to recognise the hurt he would cause by saying that and failure to make the effort to show what he loves and values in his daughter do not reflect well on him, not the daughter.
My FIL made a speech about his daughter at wedding which revolved around her teenage sporting achievements - concentrating almost entirely on his role in her achievements! Everyone noticed but it was almost funny as he was known to tend towards self-aggrandisement so very typical Still hurtful to the daughter though.

@ThreenagerToTeenager thank you

@WankPuffins I agree with the other posters - your father is very cruel to even think that never mind say it. In my opinion, your biggest achievement (apart from bringing a new life into the world which is huge in itself) is to still be standing upright when you have such an unsupportive parent! You're awesome

Most people are average. Many fear it though. There is nothing wrong on it. I am sure though that you will find that if you dropped now there would be something "of note left". Because notable things vary in notability by other's values. For someone you did a simple thing, for someone else the same thing would be absolutely notable. You just don't often realise the effect on others.

@WankPuffins your dad is a wanker👀