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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is uncomfortable

29 replies

PixiLots · 13/10/2020 09:10

A friend has been dating someone for just less than a year. Things seem to be going really well and they are moving in together. He has two kids from a failed relationship. Her last relationship ended quite messily and he moved on with another woman quite quickly. She was really upset about losing contact with his son because he was part of her life for four years.

There was only about 4/5 months from this split to her getting together with this new partner. At first she was reluctant to meet his kids too soon and wanted to leave it a good 6 months before doing so. They’d both spoken about it too. Partly this was because of what had happened with her previous partners son. She has since met them (sooner than 6 months I believe) and now regularly posts pictures with them on social-media, sometimes just her and them. I’ve seen her friends/family comment underneath the photos, ‘what a nice family’.

I can’t help but feel uncomfortable by this. They haven’t been together long and I wonder what the mum would think seeing these pictures. Personally, it’s not something I would do unless I’d been with someone for a long time and I’d still feel weird having my photo taken with someone else’s kids let alone regularly post them on social media. Just for the record, she doesn’t have kids herself and has always said she doesn’t want them.

OP posts:
FlorenceNightshade · 13/10/2020 09:45

Presumably her DP knows that she’s posting pictures? It’s a bit weird, I think I’d go ballistic if I saw someone posting pics of my kids like that but I’m not sure if you saying anything would make a difference.

You could maybe say in conversation ooh you and DP must have a good relationship with the mum if she’s happy with that and see what she says. Social media tends to be a small world IME so I’m sure it will get back to the mum if she doesn’t already know.

Just don’t like or comment on the pics since they bother you. Your friend sounds like she wears her heart on her sleeve, be ready for any fallout and keep the I told you so’s to yourself I think

Original poster
PixiLots · 13/10/2020 11:39

@FlorenceNightshade I’m not sure, she only posts them on Instagram (not Facebook) and he isn’t on there. I’m presuming he does know though. I wouldn’t be happy if my exes new partner was posting pics with my children online.

I may bring it up conversation if the opportunity arises. I haven’t liked or commented on any of the pics. I’m sure the relationship is for the long-haul as things have moved pretty quickly. I just have the view that’s it’s quite a bit weird for the short time they have been together.

OP posts:
ReneeRol · 13/10/2020 12:09

I'd tell her it's inappropriate to post photos of other people's kids. They're not her kids, she's not their family, she has no right to splash their images on social media. If the mother finds out, she'll likely to be unhappy with it. I'd hit the roof if someone was using my kid for attention like that.

Pelleas · 13/10/2020 12:26

I'd stay out of it if I were you.

blubberball · 13/10/2020 12:44

I wouldn't be happy about my ex's gf putting my dc on her social media. She needs to stop. No need for it.

Pissed me off enough that my ex's gf signed my dc's names with her own dc at the end of a Father's day message on fb. They'd only been together about a month.

SnuggyBuggy · 13/10/2020 12:48

It's odd and inappropriate but I doubt she will want to hear it.

Original poster
PixiLots · 13/10/2020 13:05

@ReneeRol completely agree with you. They’re not her kids or her family! It’s different if the bf is posting the pics. I can’t imagine the mum would be too pleased!

@Pelleas yes, don’t think it’s for me to say.

@blubberball crikey! That’s odd indeed!

@SnuggyBuggy certainly not no. It would have to come from those closest to her or him or his family.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 13/10/2020 13:11

Just for the record, she doesn’t have kids herself and has always said she doesn’t want them.

That may be the case, she may also be covering for fertility problems that she doesn’t want out in public. I said I didn’t want children for 15 years, what I actually didn’t want were prying conversations and knowing looks.

The relationship is hers and his, some people move much faster than others, you can’t assume he isn’t ok with her posting pictures because you don’t actually know. Have you talked to her about how the relationship is going, how she’s getting in with his kids? I’d start there and try to hold back judgement of her.

LagneyandCasey · 13/10/2020 13:17

Some things should be private and a new relationship with a new partners children is one of those things.

flaviaritt · 13/10/2020 13:19

This is one of those someone else’s business things.

ThisMustBeMyDream · 13/10/2020 13:52

It's really not relevant what the mother thinks unless she has agreed with the father that no pictures are to go on social media. The father is the one who gets to decide in this scenario if there hasn't been any prior agreement about no SM pictures.

Unless the images are inappropriate or not private then the mother should mind her own business surely?

As a friend, steer clear, you don't know enough about the relationship. Nothing to do with you.

MsEllany · 13/10/2020 14:03

YANBU....but this is genuinely what happens when people aren’t on Mumsnet. New girl or boyfriends meet the children soon and they try and ingratiate themselves soon, not to be seen as mum or dad, but so they’re not the bad guy that step parents are shown to be. Or they might actually be horrible, who knows.

Anyway, not your business.

TimeIhadaNameChange · 13/10/2020 14:12

I know someone who dies this and yes, it makes me uncomfortable. She recently tagged him in a photo of her son when he was a baby (long before she met her dp) with the comment about their cute newborn. I really hope her ex (and the boy's father) didn't see it.

BackBeatTheWordisOnTheStreet · 13/10/2020 14:28

It's not something I would do personally but I also don't consider it something that would be worth concerning myself about if someone else did it.

Feelingconfused2020 · 13/10/2020 14:31

I think you would be interfering to do or say something. It would be as inappropriate as your you think her behaviour is as it has nothing to do with you.

SBTLove · 13/10/2020 14:34

When the DC are with their dad it’s his choice who they see and what they do. It’s none of your business whatsoever.
Be glad the kids are made welcome and included, would you rather she excluded them?

Leaannb · 13/10/2020 15:15

@ReneeRol

I'd tell her it's inappropriate to post photos of other people's kids. They're not her kids, she's not their family, she has no right to splash their images on social media. If the mother finds out, she'll likely to be unhappy with it. I'd hit the roof if someone was using my kid for attention like that.
Op needs to mind her business. These are not her kids and she has no idea if the parents would have an issue with it.
Newkitchen123 · 13/10/2020 15:21

This really is nothing to do with you

Storyoftonight · 13/10/2020 15:25

Your original sentiment appeared to be worry for her getting attached again and hurt and you had me there OP on board with you.

However it seems to progress into sheer judging and how it looks which is a different matter all together.

Which is it?

Original poster
PixiLots · 13/10/2020 15:32

I get it’s none of my business and don’t plan to interfere. Prior to her meeting the kids, she did talk a lot about not wanting to be introduced to them too soon hence my surprise at the change. We haven’t spoken in any depth about it yet. Things seem to be moving quickly and she always talks about how well everything is going.

I’m sure she wouldn’t post the pictures without his knowledge or acceptance. I guess if he is ok with it then that’s fine. It’s just not something I would do. No idea what’s been said from mother’s side or if she is even aware. I do think it’s a lot in a short space of time and she should tread more carefully. @SBTLove it’s more she is being included (which is good) but again, they are not her family.

OP posts:
Risotto4tea · 13/10/2020 15:33

My ex's gf posts pics of my DD on her social media. And if I'm honest I dont like it. But to be fair she has been with my ex for a couple of yrs, my DD likes her and she has generally improved the relationship between my DD and her Dad. My DP sometimes posts pic of her too (although usually with our other 2 kids).

Original poster
PixiLots · 13/10/2020 15:34

@Storyoftonight

Your original sentiment appeared to be worry for her getting attached again and hurt and you had me there OP on board with you.

However it seems to progress into sheer judging and how it looks which is a different matter all together.

Which is it?

It’s the first @Storyoftonight
OP posts:
Original poster
PixiLots · 13/10/2020 15:40

@Risotto4tea that’s a fair point of view. The longer an ex has been with someone, the more they will integrate and guess you expect to see pics on social-media at functions or what not.

This has all happened in a short space of time. I just hope this works out and she doesn’t go through the same trauma she did with her ex.

OP posts:
SBTLove · 13/10/2020 15:46

She is being included is the choice of the father, I doubt he’s forcing her.
It really is nothing to do with you, maybe he gets the kids a lot and also wants to see her, so they’ve met.

earthycarrots · 13/10/2020 15:49

my son has specifically said no photos of him should be on social media so I'd be furious if I found them online in those circumstances, she's being totally unreasonable.