Do I tell DD about how bad I’m feeling?

[HildegardeCrowe]

I’m severely anxious and depressed and am off work. Also terrified I might have cancer and am having tests (it seems to be unlikely but my GP is being thorough and I have health anxiety).

I live alone and don’t really have any support. I have a 20 year old DD whose away at uni and we’re very close. I haven’t told her anything and wonder if it should stay that way, especially at the moment when the pandemic is making things so challenging for students. She seems to be coping well and I don’t want to make things hard for her. But part of me longs to confide in her although I know this is incredibly selfish. I feel so desperately alone and am struggling to work out how a I’m going to get through this. Is it unreasonable of me to confide in my daughter?

I think you need someone else to confide in. It's a lot to put on your child but you aren't unreasonable to want someone to offload this to.

I think you need someone else to talk to. You probably don’t have cancer by the sounds of it so please don’t raise that possibility to your daughter.

Thank you and yes I’m sure you’re right. I definitely wasn’t considering telling her about my cancer fears.

Yes, please don't offload all this on your daughter. There are anxiety charities where you can get telephone support. What treatment if any are you receiving for your anxiety from your GP?

You need to find yourself an appropriate adult confidante.

What you’d be doing by offloading to your daughter is called “spousification” or “parentification” - it’s damaging and really not fair.

What if she hears the C word and decides to drop uni and come home? Is that really what you want? You could alter the course of her whole life.

Get a grip on yourself and make some adult friends without this mother/daughter power dynamic.

I’m on medication @Chicchicchicchiclana and have just started CBT. GP is supportive although I must be driving them round the bend as am in weekly contact with them.

Not that your DD isn’t an adult, but in this context you need peers who can maintain a certain emotional distance to be able to support you properly, not your child.

Yes you’re right @QueenOfPain. I do need to get a grip and hearing those words makes me feel full of shame. It’s good really that DD has gone back to uni after being with me for 6 months because of lockdown. If she was here I wouldn’t be able to hide how I’m feeling. At least at a distance I can keep it to myself.

I have another perspective, which is I would want to know what was going on with my parents. Twenty is adult, and I don't understand why you would lie to an adult.

I wouldn't tell them the cancer worry unless it was genuine and I wouldn't lean on them, but I would be upset if my mum was putting on a brave face for me.

I think you need peers for support and you can be honest with your daughter. Just try not to over do it, you can emphasise that her being at uni is where you want her to be.

I tell my parents facts about my health issues, and same for my son (13) as in I keep them up to date with the basics - well more my parents than my son but if my son asks why I am going to the doctors I tell him simply (DH knows)

So if you get tests and you feel the need to tell the results do so but no I would not confide in her overall.

Hey, sorry. I really didn’t mean to make you feel shameful about it. Just that you’ve identified that it’s largely anxiety at play, so although it’s hard to deal with, and easy to share it with someone, telling her won’t make your anxiety any better in the end.

Are you having any therapy? Some CBT might help. Do you have any hobbies or interests to occupy your time?

No problem @QueenOfPain. Yes am having CBT and know I’ll feel a bit better when I know what’s going on with me physically (although the fear if it being something serious is overwhelming). Feel so guilty about being off work although my employers seem very caring.

Sod work for now. It’s more important that you get better.

Ah thank you @QueenOfPain, that really helps.

Have you been locked down all alone Hildegarde? That's very challenging indeed. You should post here more often about things on your mind.x