No sex

[Marie84]

I'm at my wits end. I've been with my partner for 6 yrs and up until the last 12 months or so our sex life has always been great. He works really long hours in a very manual job and I can understand he is tired but I can't even remember the last time we had sex. Most nights he falls asleep on the sofa and I'm fast asleep when he comes to bed or he doesn't even make it up to bed. I've always wanted more sex than him but this is ridiculous. I'm recently been thinking about having a one night stand! Crazy I know and I'd never actually go through with it but I just can't help it. Every time I bring it up he gets grumpy and says he can't help being tired. I don't really know what I'm expecting from posting this but sometimes it helps just to rant!

If this was a guy saying the same about his partner the consensus would be he is being a dick. He shouldn’t expect sex and probably doesn’t do enough to support his DP who is working 7 days a week. Oh and he is a selfish dickhead.

When it’s this situation the advise is to leave him or he must be cheating. You just couldn’t make it up.

Why do people on these threads instantly assume a man is cheating? It baffles me. Nobody in real life would jump to that conclusion with such little background information.
Op it's totally normal to go through periods of a relationship with the levels of intimacy dropping or going higher etc. The problem here between you and dp is communication. It sounds as though he's working really hard to get his business up and running and just isn't prioritising his free time very well. Offer him support, eg, is there anything in the day you can't help with to lighten his load. Be a support system and talk to him about how lonely you're feeling right now. Hopefully things pick up soon.

Marie84
I understand what you’re feeling Marie84, for the first 9 years of our relationship my partner worked 7 days a week and we only saw each other for a few hours overnight at the weekend, we couldn’t live together as he only got a few precious hours of between shifts, and worked close to his home, he said the same he wanted to earn as much money as he could for our future, now both early 50s own our home mortgage free, both retired and spend all our time together doing whatever we want. My advice is just support him and reap the rewards in a few years time when he’s made enough money for both your comfort

I am shocked at the first response of many is to tell the OP it's over and she should dump him. He is working his nuts off to build a successful business. He needs his partner's support not abandonment. We went through similar 30 years ago when starting our business off. Long hours, worry about the business failing, young kids at school to worry about. It all takes it's toll on normal life. You need to try to talk it through, and perhaps plan a date night and insist he has at least one night a month where you take priority. Or perhaps you give him one night a month where he takes priority.

My DP works 7 days a week, long hours, 52 weeks a year in a physical job so I understand that totally. He hasn't had a full day off in 5 years and that day was for our wedding! But not a moan, we both choice this business and love this life. I was brought up in a family that did the same and never ever has a day off so I've been used to it!

Pre kids I used to help with his work evenings and weekends around my job so we could spend time together and finish earlier if I was helping.
I still help but my help is very different with a toddler in tow. Eg no driving vehicles, slower as constantly watching and entertaining a little person!
Can you help him with his work? Spend more time with him and see if things progress that way?
I'm knackered after helping at his job but we still DTD!

I would take heed of @S00LA comment. It's extremely common.
Give yourself an ultimate (?Easter) and if he's still not changing, walk.
If we learn anything from covid it's that we only get one life and we have to live it to the full, not patiently waiting for someone else.

I thought people are allowed to decline sex nowadays, and not be coerced with threats of divorce/doctors etc.

You love each other, have a good relationship, and he's working his socks off to start up a new business - that sounds like an excellent framework. So build on it. If he's tired in the evenings (totally understandable) perhaps set the alarm half an hour early and have a quickie every so often - or simply a good cuddle. Set aside one day every week/fortnight when he finishes work a couple of hours early so you can grab a takeaway and spend some time together. If possible, muck in with his work - is there any admin/book-keeping etc that takes up his time that you could help with? Schedule time for the two of you as a couple (not necessarily for sex but just to be together) and make that time non-negotiable - no work emergencies allowed! It doesn't sound romantic to schedule time, but prioritising your relationship is the definition of romantic. Check in with him often - if he's feeling stressed about the business/money/sex it will become a vicious cycle so try and share that load with no pressure. Good luck.

Have posters missed that the Op said this ?

I try to support him in every way I can. I also help him quite a bit and have a fairly active role in the business. I will try and talk to him again but I do t hold out much hope

And all the suggestions of scheduling time for a take away and sex - didn’t you see that he works 7 days and only comes home at 7pm on a Sunday? He’s exhausted!

He doesn't want “ a quickie in the morning “ . He wants to get to work and make money. The OP is very clear.

Does no one actually read what the Op writes ?

@B1rthis

I would take heed of *@S00LA* comment. It's extremely common. Give yourself an ultimate (?Easter) and if he's still not changing, walk. If we learn anything from covid it's that we only get one life and we have to live it to the full, not patiently waiting for someone else.

How very true.

If it's that bad that you're thinking of cheating OP then I think you need to spell it out for him and basically say "if we don't start spending a bit more time together, we will have to split up". Lay it on the line. Then it's up to him if he works with you to find a solution or not. It's sad as he's obviously working really hard but if you're getting thoughts of a ONS the relationship is in injury time anyway.

[quote Marie84]@WorraLiberty I mean I'm sure he isn't. [/quote]
Ahh yes sorry OP. I read that wrong.

Morning sex, before I go on shift and the kids are fast asleep, my favourite.

I do help him where I can but I also work and have other commitments so it's not always possible. He knows I support him 100% but sometimes I feel I'm not getting it back in return. He isn't overly interested in anything I do. When we do get to spend some time together it's amazing and he is so loving and affectionate but these moments don't happen often enough. I have no doubt that he loves me as much as I love him. I have managed to get him to agree to a wknd away in a few weeks so hopefully we can have a talk then and get it all out on the table and decide where we go from here. The last thing I want is for us to split up but also I have needs!! (And not just sex!) 🤣

Could he cut down to fewer days without affecting the family finances in the short or long term?

People going "omg someone who works 7 days a week in their own business!?"

What fucking planet are you on?

@randomchap

Could he cut down to fewer days without affecting the family finances in the short or long term?

He could but he chooses not to. He is just obsessed with working and earning money. We could survive easily if he just worked 5 days a week but he worries about missing out on work or losing contracts. He is looking to take someone else on so hopefully that may make things a little easier for him but he just seems to love working!

@Pyewhacket

Morning sex, before I go on shift and the kids are fast asleep, my favourite.

Generally he wakes up late as he is so tired! When I say late I mean 20-30 mins after his 5am alarm!

Is he particularly worried about money OP? (Coronavirus, past money worries, debts, growing up in near poverty etc). I find being a workaholic stems from a lack of financial security and with it being his own business I totally understand needing to get the word spread and earning money while he can.

Are you ok for money OP? Maybe that can be the launching pad for a conversation about taking one whole afternoon off a week to spend time together.

He doesn't need to worry about money tbh. It's been hard getting the business up and running and to start with it was a struggle but I was working so we managed. I think we just have a different outlook on life. I want to enjoy life and have adventures etc and he just wants to work.

Loving work is a good thing but I think he could take one days off.

I think he's working really hard to build a business and a future for you both.
Have some trust and understanding

@Marie84

He doesn't need to worry about money tbh. It's been hard getting the business up and running and to start with it was a struggle but I was working so we managed. I think we just have a different outlook on life. I want to enjoy life and have adventures etc and he just wants to work.

Are you still working

Yes I'm still working

Well the chat obviously worked, takeaway and an early night tonight 😜