AIBU? My husband doesn't like my friends.

[Gwen10101]

I just wanted to rant... So my husband has always been against my best friend and the other friends I have from the same group. I grew up in a really working class area and they are all friends from childhood or from being a teenager. My husband is quite middle class, though he says he isn't a snob. Anyway, he's generally happy for me to meet up with my (middle class) uni friends but gets really funny when I meet up with my childhood friends.

My best friend's husband texted me and asked me to organise a low key, covid safe, rule of six compliant birthday lunch. Literally a few of us, in a covid secure restaurant for two hours. I said yes and contacted the restaurant to let them know that we are from separate households.

My husband is now not talking to me properly. He's saying that I act differently around this group of friends (I suspect, more 'common'), that I'm not weighing up the risk of covid effectively and that I'm to sleep in the guest room if I go. Apparently I'm 'always like this' with these friends and drop everything (I don't, I can't think of how many birthdays I've not gone to because he didn't want to go). He says my best friend bosses me around - yes, she's stronger willed than I am but sometimes I'm just not that bothered about what we do...

As background, we and my friends live in an area with really low infection rates, I work with school children as my day job and my husband has mild autism so doesn't have a filter. He's already made my best friend cry on my hen do.

My husband isn't a complete ogre and he's generally lovely. He gets on well with my parents, brother and godparents (although none are 'middle class' or university educated).

Am I being unreasonable to say I'll go?

Husband needs to acknowledge his deficit in social functioning and either smile and come with you or stay home and keep quiet.

This is a form of control! Is he controlling in any other way?

Go on your own. You're not joined at the hip! He doesn't like them, they probably don't like him, so why force things?
But of course you're not unreasonable to go without him.

It might not be control to be controlling and vindictive, but he needs to be told that his behaviour is not acceptable. I would be more concerned if he was against all your friends and family and there were other things going on.

He's controlling
He won't be happy till you don't see them anymore

Stick to your guns.

Your husband thinks he can banish you from your own bedroom because you want to see your friends? Can't you see how horrendous that is?

Unless you suddenly start shooting up and pushing old ladies over for fun when you're with these friends, he needs telling, very firmly, that he doesn't get to dictate where you sleep because of who you socialise with, that his attitude is controlling, and that you won't accept him being rude about your friends. Don't give a single inch to his histrionics - you have done NOTHING wrong. He sounds like a bit of a dick, to be honest - neurotypical or not.

I think there are 2 separate issues here. One re his not liking your friends - that's a difficult one, I've been there albeit for different reasons and it affected some of my friendships. I'm a lot older and wiser now - wish I'd put my foot down back then but probably wasn't confident enough to do so. Even if he doesn't want to meet up with these friends, he shouldn't be stopping you. That would be controlling (unless your behaviour really is unacceptable when you are with them!)

I think the Covid question is separate. Where I live, we haven't been allowed to mix with other households inside for months (and some people who haven't been subject to tighter restrictions until today might find this now applies to them, best check ).
I wouldn't want to eat with other people outside my household at the moment from a safety point of view and if my DH insisted on doing that against my wishes I think he might find himself in the spare room!

I think you need to consider both issues separately

What did he say/do to make your best friend cry?

He does sound controlling and neither his autism nor coronavirus is an excuse for this.

Doesn't sound controlling at all.