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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask for bills contribution?

24 replies

minty133 · 12/10/2020 21:23

So I'm in Tier 2, I don't live with my boyfriend though he moved in with me and my kids for a few weeks at the first lockdown. It went quite well although he didn't contribute to bills though he did buy some food/alcohol/cat litter!! I texted him to say he could move in with me again temporarily but I need him to contribute to bills at £20 a week. He will still have to pay rent/bills at his own shared house so don't want to take too much money off him. Since I sent that text at 7.50pm he's gone silent on me. Was IBU to ask for bills contribution as I am second guessing myself ?

OP posts:
Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 21:26

YANBU. I hope the £20 pw doesn’t include food? It’s not very much and if he doesn’t even want to pay that then you know he is a wannabe cocklodger. Your bills will also go up.

Be very careful you don’t get into a situation where he moves in and pays you fuck all. I would be looking for hundreds not tens of pounds.

HollowTalk · 12/10/2020 21:26

So he expects you to buy his food for free? £20 wouldn't pay for a grown man's food anyway, would it?

SummerWhisper · 12/10/2020 21:26

I think you should have discussed a contribution with him, rather than tell him what he must pay you, given that he will be paying for two households. Perhaps it felt like a command, rather than an invite...

nimbuscloud · 12/10/2020 21:27

Why do you think you were unreasonable?
Any right minded decent person would offer to contribute and not wait to be asked.

HollowTalk · 12/10/2020 21:28

If he's gone quiet over this, it's because he's hoping you will panic and tell him it's not necessary. Please don't give in on it. If he kicks off over it then you deserve a much better boyfriend.

Original poster
minty133 · 12/10/2020 21:30

@SummerWhisper

I think you should have discussed a contribution with him, rather than tell him what he must pay you, given that he will be paying for two households. Perhaps it felt like a command, rather than an invite...
I guess I felt I needed to stipulate it this time, as last time he didn't pay me anything in any kind of formal way. But he hates being told what to do so I maybe could have dealt with it better.
OP posts:
BadDucks · 12/10/2020 21:33

£20 is barely anything and he shouldn’t need to be told to contribute!

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 21:34

@SummerWhisper

I think you should have discussed a contribution with him, rather than tell him what he must pay you, given that he will be paying for two households. Perhaps it felt like a command, rather than an invite...
Er, she is discussing it with him, she has texted him with the terms on which he can move in, he hasn’t moved in yet! Not every discussion needs to be verbal.
Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 21:35

But he hates being told what to do so I maybe could have dealt with it better.

Oh OP this is another red flag! Please please don’t move him in.

Specialgodson · 12/10/2020 21:36

I think you dealt with it fine and it reflects less well on him if he’s not being reasonable discussing it if he’s gone quiet . And £20 seems very little so hope he is thoughtful towards you generally

Idontgiveagriffindamn · 12/10/2020 21:38

He should help pay for food definitely but as you’ve said he’s still go all his bills at his shared accommodation.
It might have been better to have a conversation about it rather than sending a text

katy1213 · 12/10/2020 21:41

I think I'd leave him in his shared house. You're not his mother - and even if you were, £20 a week is ridiculous. You can't feed a grown man on less than £3 a day.

Viviennemary · 12/10/2020 21:42

If he hasn't got a lot of money I don't think he'd want to pay bills on 2 houses. But £20 a week isn't very much. I agree you should have discussed it first rather than sending a text.

Original poster
minty133 · 12/10/2020 21:43

Why are PP talking about me buying him food, feeding him etc? Such sexist attitudes! Last time he bought quite a lot of food and did a lot of cooking. So it's really the bills side I want to know whether I'm being unreasonable about

OP posts:
Idontgiveagriffindamn · 12/10/2020 21:46

@minty133

Why are PP talking about me buying him food, feeding him etc? Such sexist attitudes! Last time he bought quite a lot of food and did a lot of cooking. So it's really the bills side I want to know whether I'm being unreasonable about
Because you mentioned food in your OP Hmm So if you’re happy with his contribution to food and cooking it would for me depend on his disposable income as he still has the same bills at his place.
1Morewineplease · 12/10/2020 21:49

While he is with you, he won't be using his own utilities.
£20 is a pittance. He should be paying much more than that.

Viviennemary · 12/10/2020 21:49

Exactly what bills are you talking about. Rent, mortgage, fuel, house insurance?

KillingEve20 · 12/10/2020 21:54

I’m not sure on this one, how much were your bills really effected? Id just ask that he either bought his own food and/or contributed to the food shop and perhaps water if you’re on a meter. Unless he sits there all day with all the electrics on and heating on full blast that I might reconsider Grin

Howlooseisyourgoose · 12/10/2020 21:59

You're about to move in someone on £20 pw and rely on his judgement as to how much he contributes towards food.

This is where all the trouble starts, much better to agree an amount before hand. Classic mistake. You'll be back posting in a year's time that he's stopped buying food and doesn't contribute any money.

Therealjudgejudy · 12/10/2020 22:05

Does he actually want to move back in with you?

If so £20 sounds ok if he buys food shopping...and cat litter..Smile

Ideasplease322 · 12/10/2020 22:22

I think had i contributed to food etc I would be a bit taken aback to receive this text and be worried what you were thinking the last time.

And £80 a month is for heat and light it does seem a bit much. What exactly does this include?

He absolutely shouldn’t cost you anything, and should do his share of the chores. But for a short term stay i would expect him to buy some groceries (A bit more than his own share) while doing his share of the housework.

And Maybe take you out for a meal To say thank. Anything longer than a few weeks then yes a more formal arrangement with a contribution to household running costs. How long have you invited him for?

CreamCabbages · 12/10/2020 22:24

Only you know what the costs are. I find usually best to discuss these things face to face and reach an agreement each of you think is fair.

£80 per month for gas and electricity sounds a lot for one extra body in your house.

What do you mean by ‘ he hates being told what to do’ ? Could be a red flag, or it could mean that he prefers to pay a part in decision making.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 12/10/2020 22:37

At first I was going to say £20 was not unreasonable, then you mentioned the food..... so are you expecting him to do the same as before with regards to buying food and contribute an extra £20 per week, or is the £20 a week covering everything?? If its the former, I can't see how your gas, electricity, water etc would increase by £80+ a month by just having him there unless he WFH and will be using a lot of electricity and need the heating on??
He's probably as confused as some of us and maybe doesn't know how to respond. Does he want to move in again?

Waveysnail · 12/10/2020 23:06

If he was doing lots of shopping each week that could easily have spent £100 plus. Suppose it depends on how much he was spending on food

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