Do you have a sibling with autism?

[ambereeree]

I have a two and half year old asd boy and 5 year old nt girl. I feel terribly sad when he ignores or pushes her away especially as she always tells him that she loves him. How was your experience as the nt sibling? Did your siblings play with you and do you have a good relationship now?

Older sibling here with same age gap younger brother! I will be honest my childhood was very difficult for the most part because of my brothers meltdowns and behaviour. My parents didn’t know how to deal with it well at all I don’t think and had no professional support. I was quiet and well behaved so mostly left to get on with it alone. I think I learnt to bottle my feelings up so as not to bother my parents with them as they had enough to deal with. I massively resented my brother because of this and it took some counselling for me to realise it was not even a little bit his fault!

We did play together however, probably less as he got older and got more into computers etc. We get on well now in our 30s but relationship is very different to me and other siblings.

I would say it’s important to support your daughter as much as him, make sure she has an outlet for her feelings and frustrations. I’m sure there are age appropriate books now that explain autism which might be a good place to start if you haven’t already

@DorothyWasRightTho thank you for your answer. I can already see the change in my daughter as she picks up on my sadness. I tell her his brain is different to explain and she's highly intelligent but very sensitive. I hope my son does start to play with her. I try to encourage it and am very strict about taking turns even when he snatches.

Yes we are both adults now. I am the eldest sister and helped look after him from around 10 years old. He struggled with sudden routine changes , and would have meltdowns if this did happen, or sometimes if he couldn't do something he wanted. He also became overwhelmed in busy loud environments.

He was a very cuddly boy and still is affectionate and caring for his family.
It could be stressful at times, as he did have a few meltdowns which turned violent when I was looking after him.

My mum naturally was distracted by caring for him and his needs, which meant sometimes I / my sister could be noticed less , and I didn't want to burden out mum with things going on that I could have used help with, as I thought she had enough on her plate with this and other situations going on ( a whole other post).

I love him and care for him, I spent a lot of time wondering what his adulthood would be like (if he would be able to work and be secure) as he struggles educationally. He has achieved vocational GCSEs , and studies vocationally at college.

I'm proud of what he has achieved and done.
( Sorry that was long!)

@Livebyfaithnotsight thank you. My son is very cuddly and affectionate and I hope he continues to be gentle. I'm glad you added your brother is doing gcses and getting on in life as I worry about that a lot.

Hard to tell because there is such a large age gap - so they were a teen when I was a baby. We rarely speak. No argument or animosity - just never have spoken.

Your welcome 💐

I have an autistic sibling. Our relationship had its ups and downs when we were children, the usual childish squabbles but often triggered off by him being overwhelmed or me being irritated by him being overwhelmed. We went through brief stages in our teens where we could barely stand to be in the same room as one another. Having said that though, when we were friends we were the best of friends and when we weren't friends, we still looked out for each other at crunch time. I wouldn't let anyone pick on him at school, no matter what, and once broke three fingers sticking up for him

Now as adults I'd say he's the sibling I'm closest to out of the four I have. Its a bit of a unique relationship in that he comes to me for help with things I wouldn't expect another adult to need help with, for example if he needs a GP appointment he texts me the details and I have to ring for him because he won't speak on the phone, but we have loads of fun times too. We do random shit together, like he'll text me at 11pm and ask if I fancy a mooch round the big Tesco because he's not tired or when he's on his nights rotations at work he'll appear on my doorstep at 7am with McDonald's breakfasts for us all because he passed the drive-through on his way home. We have similar taste in films so are each others cinema buddy, ditto theatre shows and concerts. We're quite used to him and his ways that might seem odd to other people, like when we comes over for tea he'll go sit in a room by himself to eat or he'll come sit in my living room and read his newspaper, not speak the entire time, and then leave but if asked he'll say he's had a lovely relaxing time.

I’m afraid my story isn’t terribly cheerful about having an autistic sibling (with other MH issues chucked in too). However, it was very different 20+ years ago. We were very close when we were children, but sadly not now. I wish things were different, but there’s nothing I can do apart from wait and hope.

Yes I am the older sibling (female) to non-verbal autistic, severe learning disability and sensory seeking male. Nineteen month age gap. Very difficult growing up, definitely feel I miss out - more so on not having a neurotypical sibling than on parental attention however. Cannot even begin to imagine how hard it was for my parents who both worked as full time primary teachers with no family support and only respite once a month.

Watching with interest. DD1 has ASD and DD2 already looks out for her and is very caring. I wonder if this dynamic will change and the impact it will have on DD2 as she gets older.

@Chocobohead that sounds like a nice relationship!

@mileywiley that's what I feel sad about the most. That my daughter may never experience a sibling bond.

I have two kids, one of whom is non verbal severely autistic with learning difficulties.
I often say it's like having two only children.
I feel sad for my daughter that she doesn't have a sibling who is sharing her childhood in the typical way. I just try to make her feel loved and valued and try to make her childhood as good as it can be! I have her friends over a lot.
She's happy with her life and I hope she'll look back happily on her childhood. There's been some difficult times and times when I inevitably gave her brother more attention and I feel bad about that. I think we've struck more of a balance now.
He shows no interest in her at all and she gave up trying a while ago. I hope they'll have more of a relationship one day.

Yes I feel very sad about the sibling bond thing too.

that's what I feel sad about the most. That my daughter may never experience a sibling bond.

I think that may happen with or without autism.

My two neurotypical children have never been close, I have seen my sister 3 times in the past 20 years. OH and his brother rarely talk, my mother and her sister were enemies.
I think if you have a sibling bond you are lucky- it is often not usual.

I have an autistic sibling and I am parent to 1 autistic DC and 1 NT DC.

I see a lot of my sibling now we are adults. More than my other siblings. We didn't really get on well as children/teenagers.

My DC generally have a good relationship, apart from the usual bickering and arguments (they are 6 and 8). My NT DC is very accommodating towards their sibling. I hope this continues as they get older but I know from my own personal experience that may not be the case.

Have you seen Sibs charity op?

Www. Sibs.org.uk.
The only uk charity supporting siblings (young siblings and adult siblings)
They have sections for parents, professionals, schools and adult siblings.
Youngsibs.org.uk is for 7-17 year olds.

@parrotonthesofa I often get teary when I see other siblings play and my daughter watches them. Thanks for your advice on having her friends over.

Yes, I do. Can't stand the abusive little bastard, I cut ties a few years ago and it was the best thing I've ever done. He can die on the street for all I care.

Now having said that I know people who get on great with their autistic sibling. Sadly mine was a psycho but I don't think that should be solely attributed to autism. I think there are mh issues there.

As kids we got on well - fought as all siblings do - but as he became a teenager he began to exhibit abusive, controlling behaviours and violence/verbal abuse. Started with my mother and moved on to me.

Just on the play thing, I remember doing play therapy stuff with him as a child. It was really fun actually I did know he was different - I can't remember when I first heard the word autism - but as I had other siblings, I had the typical sibling bond with others. I don't remember minding that he was different at the time or that he would only play on his terms. It was just how he was.

@SionnachRua yes my son is also the same. He doesn't talk a whole lot but games are initiated by him and usually only involves me. I force my daughter into the game.
Normally he's only interested in showing me different colours, or pointing out and reciting numbers or alphabet. Anything else and he glazes over!

Ds 8 is asd and dd 5 sometimes struggles with it. He doesnt play with her, but they will snuggle up on the sofa and watch something, get each other food, comfort each other (he took her his r2d2 plushy one night when she was crying).

@loobylou10 thanks for that link.

@strictlyafemalefemale that sounds sweet. And throws out the preconception that people with autism have no empathy.