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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what man would want to date a single mum of 2x small children on benefits

51 replies

Evangeline1992 · 12/10/2020 19:32

Hi. I have 2 children (5 and 2), ex left when youngest was 8 weeks old and we haven't seen him since (his decision). I love my children and wouldn't change a thing about them. They are both so beautiful and amazing. However, I am lonely. At first I didn't mind being single, but now the evenings spent with no adult conversation are starting to get to me. I miss sex and companionship. I would love a little family of my own eventually (we already are a family, but you know what I mean). I am only 28 and do have family who would be willing to help out if I wanted to date but really, are there men out there who would be interested in a girl with 2 little ones? :( My life is good but tiring, early starts, mess, noise. I've never dated since being a parent. Feeling low tonight. :(

OP posts:
Newmumatlast · 12/10/2020 21:59

Absolutely there are. But make sure you realise what you're worth and how valuable you are. Dont make allowances because you're worried having kids will mean people won't want you. Its important for the kids that your standards are high and you are sure before you introduce - there are some dodgy people out there who will hone in on vulnerable women especially those with kids. You need your eye on the ball. But of course you can date and settle down and have a family with someone new. I am a step-mum and have been with my partner for yonks despite a very very difficult situation with his ex. I did it because I loved him, saw what he had to offer and I care for his child too x

Nonamesavail · 12/10/2020 22:00

I had 3 kids and on benefits then I met my lovely husband xx

CorianderLord · 12/10/2020 22:09

Because you're not defined by your income and many people think kids are great.

If a man likes your personality and thinks you're gorg then he'll be happy to date you.

Youtrustthefridge · 12/10/2020 22:17

My SD met a girl like you (My DM) had my DSB. Were married for 20 years and DM passed away. He still treats us as if we are 100% his regular children. As far as I’m concerned he’s a hero! My daughter loves her grampy to bits.

TheSandman · 12/10/2020 22:26

Well, I do have big knockers

PM me! NOW!
Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Grin

(erm... did that come over as a bit desperate?)

Original poster
Evangeline1992 · 12/10/2020 22:39

@Youtrustthefridge

My SD met a girl like you (My DM) had my DSB. Were married for 20 years and DM passed away. He still treats us as if we are 100% his regular children. As far as I’m concerned he’s a hero! My daughter loves her grampy to bits.
That's so lovely. Sorry to hear about your mum xx
OP posts:
Sarahplane · 12/10/2020 22:45

My husband did. And a few others before I found him but they were tossers

ReneeRol · 12/10/2020 23:31

I think you should focus on building yourself up before dating. You don't sound like you have a lot of confidence and that could make you vulnerable to falling for men who don't treat you well.

Anyone can get "a man" but you want a good, kind, loving, trustworthy, hard working man presumably? Set your standards and make yourself the same standard you're looking for.

I'd suggest doing some online courses with a view to getting a job - even a part time one, it will build your confidence and show that you have interests outside the home and aren't intending to stay in your current situation for life.

Frazzledme · 13/10/2020 00:05

I know someone with triplets, she met someone pretty quick and they're married now. There was serious baggage from her first marriage so don't be too down on yourself, there are some great men out there.

Lavanderrose · 13/10/2020 00:19

Yes of course there are. But a word of warning some domestic abusers and predators target single women with young kids.

Original poster
Evangeline1992 · 13/10/2020 09:37

Thank you all so much for the advice x

OP posts:
yetanothernamitynamechange · 13/10/2020 10:29

Echoing what others have said I think if anything its important to raise your standards as a single parent rather than feel you have to lower them in a "who would want me" sort of way. (I am in the same boat by the way). I think thats what makes finding someone potentially harder for single mothers rather than the fact they are lower value in some way. So it can be harder to find people, but do you want the duds anyway?

yetanothernamitynamechange · 13/10/2020 10:30

I also wouldnt advertise the fact you have young children on dating sites either, for fear of attracting wrong 'uns.

Rollercoasteride · 13/10/2020 10:35

My brother is 32 and single, he says at his age most ladies he has been out with have kids and he doesn't have a problem with it.

His problem has been that the ladies he has been out with are still not over their ex partners (kids dad)

jimmyjammy001 · 13/10/2020 10:59

Majority of people with positive storys are from 10/20 years ago, now days I think it is a little bit different, blokes don't generally want to be dealing with someone else's kids and the likely problems /hassle it brings to a relationship if they themselves are childless, especially if they are in their 20's as there are plenty without children who they could probably see them selves more long term with, but of course there are equally some who don't mind and will accept it, just have to find one.
Personally the long term thought that one day in 5 years time if all went well and wanted to live together, I would have to live in the same household as a partner and their children would send me running for the hills and not even contemplate the idea in the first place.

jimmyjammy001 · 13/10/2020 11:17

Also if you are in receipt of benefits and you and your new partner want to move on together and he works, you will likely lose most if not all of your benefits like housing, child/working tax credits/childcare/ Council tax e.t.c and he will have to pay for you and your children out of his take home pay as I'm sure maintenance alone from the ex doesn't cover all the bringing up costs.

Original poster
Evangeline1992 · 13/10/2020 11:23

@jimmyjammy001

Majority of people with positive storys are from 10/20 years ago, now days I think it is a little bit different, blokes don't generally want to be dealing with someone else's kids and the likely problems /hassle it brings to a relationship if they themselves are childless, especially if they are in their 20's as there are plenty without children who they could probably see them selves more long term with, but of course there are equally some who don't mind and will accept it, just have to find one. Personally the long term thought that one day in 5 years time if all went well and wanted to live together, I would have to live in the same household as a partner and their children would send me running for the hills and not even contemplate the idea in the first place.
Jimmy, I'm a lurker on here and recognised your username from a previous post that you made about single mothers that caused quite a stir. I searched your name to make sure and the majority of things you comment on are about how you wouldn't date a single mum/reasons why/etc. Is there a reason you feel so strongly about this? Genuinely curious. Also wondering what prompted you to join Mumsnet in the first place? Seems a bit of a random site for a single 30 year old man to join.
OP posts:
TazMac · 13/10/2020 11:39

Also if you are in receipt of benefits and you and your new partner want to move on together and he works, you will likely lose most if not all of your benefits like housing, child/working tax credits/childcare/ Council tax e.t.c and he will have to pay for you and your children out of his take home pay as I'm sure maintenance alone from the ex doesn't cover all the bringing up costs.

It’s unlikely that the OP will be on benefits forever, she will go back to work, maybe part time and then full time, as the children get older. Also, I doubt the OP is planning on moving a new partner in straight away, she’ll likely need to date and discard a few before meeting the right one and then she’ll need to gradually get the children used to him, before he moves in. All of this will take a couple of years, at least. By which point the children will be a bit older and the OP’s income will be less reliant on benefits.

GrumpyHoonMain · 13/10/2020 11:43

@Evangeline1992

Hi. I have 2 children (5 and 2), ex left when youngest was 8 weeks old and we haven't seen him since (his decision). I love my children and wouldn't change a thing about them. They are both so beautiful and amazing. However, I am lonely. At first I didn't mind being single, but now the evenings spent with no adult conversation are starting to get to me. I miss sex and companionship. I would love a little family of my own eventually (we already are a family, but you know what I mean). I am only 28 and do have family who would be willing to help out if I wanted to date but really, are there men out there who would be interested in a girl with 2 little ones? :( My life is good but tiring, early starts, mess, noise. I've never dated since being a parent. Feeling low tonight. :(
One of my closest friends married, at 40, to a single mum his age with 4 kids under 10. He couldn’t have kids which is why his ex left him a and now has a ready made family. The kids adore him
TheSoapyFrog · 13/10/2020 12:16

Well my partner does! We've been together just over a year now. My twins were just about to turn 5 and I've been on benefits since I was pregnant due to redundancy and then due to one of my sons being diagnosed with severe autism and learning disabilities. He's the loveliest man I've ever met and he's fitted right in with us.

maartjebaabes · 13/10/2020 12:26

When I was dating kids small or large didn’t put me off at all, benefits not relevant except I’d want to know you put effort into life somewhere (which may be kids).

Make sure you’re OLD profile puts your best side forward, and as others have said don’t mention age or sex of kids until you’ve formed a view anyway.

backspacekey · 13/10/2020 15:50

People are bloody lucky to have us. The very fact you'd spend your precious free time with someone should make them so bloody thankful that you're giving them your valuable minutes.

I don't think that's a healthy or helpful view

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 13/10/2020 16:00

My time is finite backspace.
If I am going to spend it with someone then they had better appreciate it.

Original poster
Evangeline1992 · 13/10/2020 21:33

Thanks all. I have decided to try and improve my self esteem a little bit before dating again :)

OP posts:
jessstan1 · 13/10/2020 21:43

Yes, if you are a nice person to be with there are plenty of men who would like to spend time with you. I hope you meet someone and have some fun.