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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want *somone* from my family to come to DS2's wedding?

26 replies

suedonim · 12/10/2007 13:32

My ds2 and his Parisian wife-to-be are getting married next month in Paris. All the invite replies are back and it seems that not one person in my family (aside from my own dc, who will all be present and correct!) will be attending.

My mum can't come as she's awaiting a hip op and is immobile atm, which is fair enough. Two of my three siblings live within 30mins of the Chunnel in the SE and the other in Cambridge. My sister, apparently, doesn't have a passport and in any case would probably 'get mugged there' , while neither of my bros have said why they're not coming. I have four adult nieces/nephews, all in Kent, and none of them is coming, either. I'm feeling upset for ds2 and not a little p*ssed off that some of my family can swan off to HongKong, the Caribbean, and all over the Continent but Paris is a step too far.

We've furnished them with info about where to stay, transport etc. Is there anything anyone can think of that we can offer that might make them change their minds?? It's going to be a bit embarrassing that ds1 and his DW are coming over with his in-laws from California while my family can practically see Paris from their homes but won't be there!

At least lots of our lovely friends are coming, from all over the UK. I guess they must all be party animals!!

OP posts:
WideWebWitch · 12/10/2007 13:36

Oh how sad Suedonim. Thinking ahead I can imagine I'd feel quite upset if my siblings didn't attend my childrens weddings. Can you ring and ask them why not? Maybe there's something you don't know about? Congratulations to your ds2 though.

Tortington · 12/10/2007 13:38

short of buying the train ticket and hotel room - i cant think of anything. i could come - i be be that crazy bitch that your sure is 2nd cousin to someone - but no-one dare ask

xxxx

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 12/10/2007 13:42

Suedonim, feck them! Your lovely friends are coming, I wouldn't think twice about family who couldn't be bothered. So long as his siblings come I wouldn't worry at all about aunts and uncles.

Skimty · 12/10/2007 13:43

YANBU. What a sad and frustrating situation. Paris as well. I'd love to go to a wedding there.

None of my father's family could come from Norwich to London for DS's christening The excuses ranged from 'Do you know how hard it is to get up at 7 on a Sunday?' to 'I'll probably be on my period'. I don't think my dad will ever really forgive them.

morethanmum · 12/10/2007 13:47

I think that people have priorities and if it's their nephew maybe they (sadly) don't want the expense of going to his wedding? At least his siblings are going, and at least granny would if she could. Hold your head up and look good. I do sympathise - none of dh's family could make a christening in Scotland for our dc, but all managed a distant cousin's wedding in Italy...

Original poster
suedonim · 12/10/2007 14:15

'Feck them' is probably the right response, hehe! But I swing between that and feeling depressed about it all.

Because dh and I haven't lived near the rest of our family for nearly 30yrs it's almost as if we no longer exist. Over the years we've visited almost annually and I've done my best with letters/photos/phone calls etc to maintain links but it's been one sided and is now all falling apart. Really, I shouldn't have been surprised - none of my siblings has seen my mum for more than five years.

The thing is, though, it makes me wonder why I bother at all with them. We have nothing in common and I don't think either side gets any pleasure from the relationship. But it's so hard to give up on people with whom you have a past!

OP posts:
Original poster
suedonim · 12/10/2007 15:38

Bump. Someone tell me what to do with my family! Shall I cast them all off and adopt new MN siblings???

OP posts:
edam · 12/10/2007 15:40

yes

Sadly you can't make em support you/ds if they don't want to. Selfish gits.

chipmonkeyPumpkinNorks · 12/10/2007 16:02

yes, start a thread saying suedonim is looking for new sisters and an invite to Paris is part of the deal!

Original poster
suedonim · 12/10/2007 16:19

Well, there was talk of a Paris meet-up the same week as ds's wedding!

OP posts:
lizziemun · 12/10/2007 16:43

Not to add from what others had said.

FWIW my dad and brother both booked holidays for when i got married. Although theu both knew the date a year ahead.

I was a bit miffed that my brother didn't come as i had been to 2 of his 3 weddings (Didn't go to his third as he didn't tell us until after ).

lizziemun · 12/10/2007 16:43

Should say not much to add.

Original poster
suedonim · 12/10/2007 16:59

I guess your bro's weddings were getting a bit of a bore by Number Three, anyway!

OP posts:
lizziemun · 12/10/2007 17:44

NO just got smaller

1st 150 guests, in church full sit down dinner with live band (very boring and very expensive) - lasted 6mths.

2nd just 20 guest, reg office and dinner in a resturant and then evening party - lasted 2 yrs.

3rd just him, his wife and 2 freinds, has now been 7 years.

Original poster
suedonim · 12/10/2007 18:13

My ds1 has done that in reverse! But in his defence, he got married three times to the same person. First time was small registry office wedding with 20 close family in all. Next up was a blessing & reception/farewell party as they were going to live in America. Third and final was a Jewish ceremony in LA. They've been married nearly 6yrs now, despite all the nuptials!

OP posts:
Tinker · 12/10/2007 18:16

Only me and my mum went to one of my brother's weddings. So no other sibling and absolutely no extended family. None of the bride's family were there either, I've just realised (live overseas). Lots of friends though and a very enjoyable wedding despite having to wear blancmange dress

Original poster
suedonim · 12/10/2007 18:52

You had to wear a blancmange dress, Tinker?? What did it look like?

I know I'm upset over this because it's a manifestation of the growing apart of my family. We don't have any wider family as both our parents were only children, so no aunts/uncles/cousins for us.

I suppose families have always split up and become estranged, for reasons including distance, and I try to accept that that is the way it is but at times like this it comes back and bites me on the bum.

OP posts:
Megsdaughter · 12/10/2007 19:07

DS got married in SA, all alone, four hours after arriving.

Neither DH, DGD( DS's daughter nor I could afford to go)

But three months later when DDIL had her visa and was here we had a blessing with all the family, my father (who never got to give me away, ) walked her in, it was lovely, it was the first tie we as a whole family had got together since Mom died 16 years before.

Tinker · 12/10/2007 19:22

I was bridesmaid. It was pink. Enough said

BeetrootMNRoyalty · 12/10/2007 19:32

Sued - i think it is shite and I am not surprised you are feeling crappy about it.

Could you tell them how you feel?
Would they care?
Would it make you feel better?
Can you have a fabulous time without them?

Can I come?

Original poster
suedonim · 12/10/2007 19:50

Lol, Tinker. You were strawberry flavoured, hehe!

Beetroot, taking your Q's in order.

"Could you tell them how you feel?"
I could but I don't think they'd get it.

'Would they care?'
Probably not. I don't think we mean much to them.

'Would it make you feel better?'
Not really, because I'd know they'd feel coerced into coming.

'Can you have a fabulous time without them?'
Yes!

'Can I come?'
And Yes! All MN is welcome! (Tho am not sure how I'm going to break this to ds2..... )

OP posts:
Isababel · 12/10/2007 20:00

Suedonim, I'm really sorry that they have decided not to come but to add a bit o perspective here... if you have not been in day to day contact with them it is unlikely for them to do the "great effort" of going to a wedding away of their own place.

I got married in Spain, all my family is in America. Although I have a very good relationship with most of my family I was not expecting them to be able to come. The very few who did were the ones I cared about. And, with the exception of 70 people (personal invitees of my MIL who we had hardly seen -if seen at all- in our lives) who was with us at the wedding was the people we wanted to be there.

I don't know if anybody talked about my extended family not coming, but to be honest I really didn't miss them. They were great when they needed to be and although they couldn't come, things didn't change between us, I felt very loved with all the good lovely wishes

Original poster
suedonim · 12/10/2007 20:16

Thanks for that, Isababel. We weren't even in day to day contact when we lived in Kent ourselves but we were involved with each other and their families. We've made efforts to attend the important events in their lives, which is why I'd hoped they'd come.

I adored my older bro and sis when I was a child young but they both seem to have gone do-lally since hitting middle-age and especialy since dad died, 9yrs ago. We are half-siblings, with different mothers as their mother died when sis was 4yo and db was 10mths. I have a suspicion that's something to do with it, at least in my bro's eyes.

OP posts:
ADragonIs4LifeNotJustHalloween · 12/10/2007 20:20

I can be your younger, thinner, prettier sister of you like?

Will my elephant fit on the Eurostar? It would make the ideal wedding gift. I can almost guarantee they won't get another.

Kewcumber · 12/10/2007 20:23

Cold you drop them all a postcard just saying "so sorry you can't make DS's wedding, its so rare that we manage to get together these days and I miss that. Hopefully we can meet up soon"

If DS1 ever got divorced - would he have to go it three times?

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