To ask how you have a relationship after so long?

[gumball37]

I realize this sounds ridiculous. But... I come from lines on both sides of divorcees or single parents. I have no real life experience of healthy relationships. I, myself was married for barely over a year 15 years ago. I've dated randomly bit never anything major.

I'm seeing someone now... At 39 with 3 kids. I've been taking charge of everything my entire life. I don't "need" someone to help me, but I want a relationship. Someone to spend my life with just because we enjoy each other. But with no idea how healthy relationships work and after being alone for essentially my entire life.... How do I know how to do this? Thoughts?

That's a big question OP I guess if you're unsure/nervous about relationships then the first thing you would do is take it slow hhmmm I suppose a relationship should make you happy and if you're not happy or less happy than when you were single then It's probably not right

@AryaStarkWolf

That's a big question OP I guess if you're unsure/nervous about relationships then the first thing you would do is take it slow hhmmm I suppose a relationship should make you happy and if you're not happy or less happy than when you were single then It's probably not right

Sorry haha. I am happy. Just concerned I'll fuck it all up cause I have no clue what I'm doing

Sorry haha. I am happy. Just concerned I'll fuck it all up cause I have no clue what I'm doing

Well, it's not that different to a friendship I think, treat him how you would like to be treated but also expect him to do the same for you. (sorry just assuming it's a he there :p )

@AryaStarkWolf

Sorry haha. I am happy. Just concerned I'll fuck it all up cause I have no clue what I'm doing

Well, it's not that different to a friendship I think, treat him how you would like to be treated but also expect him to do the same for you. (sorry just assuming it's a he there :p )

It is a he. Thank you. That's a good way to look at it.

I would think you may not have a good idea of what to do for a healthy relationship, but you have knowledge from your parents of what not to do, what a bad relationship looks like. So take heart. Knowing when it’s wrong is just as useful.

For me, I can be myself around my husband. We are very comfortable and relaxed. We are affectionate. We might disagree or even argue, but we don’t descend into name calling, shouting, slamming doors, or holding grudges. We always find a way to come to a better solution, a compromise or see that the other is actually right. Our strengths and weaknesses balance each other.

Example from this weekend- our house is an old farmhouse and we needed to seal the unused fireplaces or our heat bill would be unaffordable. Plus the occasional mouse and wasp has come down the chimney to plague us. DH wanted to just use concrete foam and make it permanent. I objected because occaisonally a baby bird falls down the chimney and I have to open up the fireplace and rescue it. DH said it’s natural selection baby birds can just die. I said what about the noise, and when it dies the smell? He said concrete foam, no smell, nothing and it’s what the professionals use. I still objected. He said well we can’t leave it open, theres the draft and it’s flowing over bird poop which is not healthy, avian flu risk, etc etc. We could have argued at this point. But then I said can we seal the fireplace in a non permanent way so if I have to, I can still open it up because no way am I going to let a baby bird die in there? He listened and suggested using black caulking and MDF boards which we could paint black. It’s semi permanent, weather proof, seals the fireplace but not too hard for me to break through if another baby bird needs to be rescued. So we agreed and actually are both happy with the choice as the fireplace looks stunning and there’s no more draft whistling in.

@PlanDeRaccordement

Wow. Thank you. I guess that's true about knowing when its wrong. I'm still apprehensive about my judgement because of my ex and the number it's done on our son.

I'm trying to stop holding onto the last as if all men will act like him.

I truly appreciate your response. Thanks again.

Just some ideas. Never sulk or do silent treatment - talk things through honestly and say what you mean and don't expect the other person to guess what you want or need or feel. Basically don't play sill games- be honest and reasonable.

Never ever go to bed on an argument.

Don't bicker or put each other down or get snippy over stuff.

Don't sweat the small stuff

I think the key to a long relationship, or certainly one of them, is mutual respect and to treat the other person how you would wish to be treated. We do disagree, but we never shout or name call or say anything nasty that can't be taken back. We care about the feelings of the other partner.

Much like the poster above, if we disagree we negotiate until we are both happy with the outcome. Of course, the personalities of the couple come into play here and before you commit to each other you need to be clear if you are both that type of person. Are you both able to compromise?

We are approaching 40 years!