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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a response from my neighbour to an invitation?

22 replies

cktwo · 12/10/2007 12:52

My next-door neighbour recently had a c-section and hasn't been out of the house much in the past few weeks, so I popped a note through the door asking if she wanted to join me and DD2 at Mother and Baby group.(the curtains were shut so didn't want to knock and wake her up, in case she's had a bad night).

Having had two babies recently I know how isolating it is so I thought it might be a good opportunity for her to get out of the house, have a natter and meet some people.

I didn't even get a response! How RUDE! If she can't stand my company then a polite "no thanks" would suffice, but to not even bother coming round I find incredibly rude. Am I being too sensitive?

OP posts:

MerlinsBeard · 12/10/2007 12:53

too sensitive...her post(inc your note) is prob on a big pile waiting to be sorted when she can get round to it. She probably not brushed her hair in days never mind been out with baby

claricebeansmum · 12/10/2007 12:55

Urm yes!

I didn't get out of my dressing gown for about a month after DS - I do not exaggerate.

Everyone handles birth in different ways - some people glide through and others - like me - come to a stand still. She probably took the note, thought how lovely and then put it down and now it us under a muslin square under a cushion under a cat under a blanket....

ScaryScaryNight · 12/10/2007 12:58

Thought your intentions were good, but to be honest, I wouldnt think a note through the door was much of an invitation.....

I would wonder, why she didnt knock to ask me? I wouldnt expect people to draw conclusions about what I am doing by looking at my curtains.

And she might not have seen the note. Why not go over again and knock this time? She might welcome a friendly face and a chance to chat.

JossStick · 12/10/2007 12:59

It was a lovely thought - you may have to go and knock though to gauge how she's coping.

I couldn't face the thought of a mother and baby group after having DS1 but would have loved the company with DS2.

She can always tell you she doesn't fancy it.

JossStick · 12/10/2007 12:59

x posts scary!

EmsMum · 12/10/2007 13:00

Or she might have PND.

Don't give up on her - she might well appreciate someone to talk to but for whatever reason not be ready to face a bunch of strangers. Keep with your first friendly instinct, which was lovely. Maybe pop through another note just saying, hope its all going OK, give me a call if you need anything or a chat... that kind of thing.

Original poster

cktwo · 12/10/2007 13:00

I know, I too found the first few weeks hard. But being stuck in the house for six weeks with a newborn would have sent me stir crazy!

And I guess M&B groups do sound a bit intimidating to a first-time mum.

I'll get off my high-horse now, eh?

OP posts:

flowerybeanbag · 12/10/2007 13:00

Agree knock on the door. She can always not answer if she's feeding/sleeping/whatever. A note can easily get lost/forgotten about in the new baby disarray.

FrightAttendant · 12/10/2007 13:00

It was kind of you to offer and I would have tried to catch you if I was outside the house one day - just to say no thanks.
I know you meant it well, but I am someone who has always been terrified of social gatherings, especially those involving other mums and babies, so perhaps it is not her cup of tea and she was afraid to upset you, didn;'t know how to say no and felt under pressure to go.
I know some days I have not felt able to face the world at all since giving birth, and I imagine that it is far harder if you have had a section.
She may be depressed, but if so a group of undepressed mums isn't going to help.
I would just take it as a 'probably not but very sweet of you to ask' type response, whether you have had such or not .
People have smometimes tried to get me ut and about because they think it will help me but actually a bit of hibernation is sometimes the only thing needed

LoRayningNewtsAndFrogs · 12/10/2007 13:06

The fact that you were nice enough to offer is great, I'd go round and see her, she could be finding it really hard.

So, yes, you are being a bit unreasonable, but I think you know that now

Original poster

cktwo · 12/10/2007 13:07

Scary - I didn't knock because it was early and I was going out for the day. I'd been round before with a pressie for the LO and she said she'd been sleeping in alot then.

Thank you all for your sanity and kindness. I love Mumnsnet!

OP posts:

MerlinsBeard · 12/10/2007 13:09

maybe the thought of germ infested toddlers running past her LO with snot candles going off at right angles and mothers looking the other way is far too scary for her at the moment!

Maybe you could knock and ask if there is anything she wants you to do or if she would like to join you at X coffee shop in the week?

newgirl · 12/10/2007 13:10

i must admit i dont think i would want to go to a playgroup with brand new baby - id be more inclined to stay in and have a chat with a bun!

why not invite her round for coffee instead or take a home-made lasagne?

newgirl · 12/10/2007 13:10

mom- same thought as you at the same time!

chocchipcookie · 12/10/2007 13:36

I think you were right not to knock, I would have been really fed-up if I were sleeping.

I have to say the LAST thing I wanted to do after a c-section was go to a playgroup. You have to get up, get the baby up, get there at a scheduled time then keep the baby away from sticky/snotty toddler hands. Too much stress.

I wouldn't knock, you'll just look like you're pestering her. Why not leave a gift of some home made cake or biscuits one evening when her DH/DP is there to answer the door? Then leave her to make the next move.

chocchipcookie · 12/10/2007 13:40

Also, just because she hasn't replied doesn't mean necesarily mean she has PND or she is a rude cow. She has a ton of other things to do with her spare two minutes a day like writing thank you letters for all those baby clothes that are already too small and emailing photos to people who keep nagging her for pics...

Original poster

cktwo · 12/10/2007 17:33

I appreciate she may not want to go and this isn't really about those reasons.

I just found it a bit rude not to have replied. She does have DH to send round, or if she shouted loud enough I could here her through the walls .

OP posts:

harman · 12/10/2007 17:36

Message withdrawn

WorkingClassScum · 12/10/2007 17:57

Definitely being too sensitive! Quite frankly she's probably better off not associating with someone who thinks someone coping with a new baby after a c-section is being rude by not replying to a note. I mean how long will it be before she breaks some other social nicety that you have to get uppity about.

Am I being harsh? Probably. But that's because after coping with a newborn and recovering from a c-section I apparently didn't treat my neighbour with enough deference when she popped round and she has subsequently ignored me for 3 years.

miobombino · 12/10/2007 20:22

Quite possible the note has been missed...I don't have a new baby, but what with 4 dcs to look after, recovery from a nasty virus and now 2 of dcs off school with similar...I must admit my attention to the post (OK not much of that ) and other stuff coming through the door has been to say the least scant of late. Just now I'm concentrating on getting food on the table and making sure children go to bed tbh; never mind new babe + surgery !

You are kind...but cut her some slack !

helenhismadwife · 14/10/2007 17:01

what a lovely thought.

I agree with others though dont give up on her, as someone who had very bad pnd I really did appreciate the people who rang, emailed, or came round again when I was just to down and overwhelmed to answer the phone emai and door the first time they tried.

This may not be the reaons for her lack of response it could be something simple like she completely forgot

SofiaAmes · 14/10/2007 17:07

I had 40 hours of labor followed by an emergency cs with my first. I'm the most gregarious active person on the planet, but I'm not sure that 2 weeks after having my ds, I would have had the energy to reply to a note...even by sending dh next door.
Try again in another week and knock this time. Try going when you know the husband will be there, so that he can answer the door for her. After my cs, my bedroom was upstairs and I couldn't get out of bed for 2 weeks, and it was 4 weeks before I could manage the stairs without pain and exhaustion. Couldn't have imagined answering the door, much less going out to a mother and baby group.

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