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AIBU?

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Original poster

Help! My husband chooses golf over family holiday. AIBU?

29 replies

DisneyBaby · 12/10/2020 09:22

My husband and I have been together nearly 10 years, married for 3.5 and had our first child in February this year.
We booked a holiday to Tenerife at the beginning of the year going 17th Oct for a week, our first holiday with our daughter.
A couple of months after we booked it turned out that an annual charity golf day that my husband plays falls within our holiday week. As the holiday was already booked he said he didn't mind missing it no big deal.
2 weeks ago the holiday was cancelled by Jet2 due to the govt rules travelling to Spain and immediately he was like 'yes I can play on that golf day now'. But I would have liked to have kept the holiday and just changed the destination as he had the days booked off at work already and that's when we were supposed to go.
Apparently I was being unreasonable wanting to still go that week?
So then after a few rows about it and looking at other options, I backed down and we settled on going on the 1st Nov to Cyprus, but just as I started looking at holidays for those new dates, he goes 'oh actually I'm playing another charity golf day with my dad then, we'll just have to go for 6 days.'
We don't want to go any later as the temperature will drop in Cyprus and the resort will get quieter so don't want to put it back another whole week really.
He keeps saying it's ok we'll go for 6 nights around the golf day, but I'm like 'why can't we just have a full weeks holiday like everyone else does and you miss the golf day'. He thinks I'm being a spoilt brat because I'm not happy with 6 nights. But I feel deprioritised because he's putting golf before our first family holiday together that we booked months ago. We have had many heated rows about this now.
We have been going through a bit of a rough patch in general lately so I feel like we really need the holiday, and it's just adding to the distance between us that we disagree on the holiday situation.
Please AIBU about this whole thing or is he?

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 12/10/2020 09:24

Go without him for the full week.

LavaCake · 12/10/2020 09:24

I think he is being unreasonable. You already compromised by agreeing to change the dates once your original holiday wasn’t available, and now he wants you to make further concessions to suit him. He’s being unfair - there needs to be a bit more give from him.

MatildaTheCat · 12/10/2020 09:33

YANBU but I’ve been there and got the (very old) T shirt and unfortunately you’ll struggle to get him to see your point of view because golf is so very and extremely important don’t you know?

In this situation I bank that day and 100% use it. Could be another night away in a nice UK hotel, a day somewhere lovely for you and a friend.

I’d love to say just have firm boundaries and stick to them but in real life that’s very hard to do. But definitely take your day back.

Doodar · 12/10/2020 09:34

you need to factor in 4.5 flying time and 2 hours time difference. Depending on flight times you're likely to lose at least a day travelling.

Brefugee · 12/10/2020 09:37

go without him. For 2 weeks.

CakeRequired · 12/10/2020 09:45

Go without him for the full week.

And give him a free week off to spend how he likes, no kids to look after, and she spends her holiday by herself looking after the kid alone?

Nah... That's rewarding him for being an asshole and prioritising golf.

RationalOne · 12/10/2020 10:20

Do you realise that for countries like Cyprus you both have to get a clear covid test before you fly then possibly (rules change all the time) isolate/quarantine when you return home for 14 days?

It sounds like you are the unreasonable one not him. It's a charity match and safely social distancing outside. You want to fly to another country with a very young child and he is being unreasonable Grin

RoseTintedAtuin · 12/10/2020 10:35

I would pick the battles I chose to pursue in this case. 6 days instead of 7 doesn’t seem like a big compromise? It seems important to him, and it doesn’t seem that he doesn’t think family time is important, just that there are other things he also sees as important that he doesn’t want to give up. Is there some things Or freedoms you find important which you don’t want to lose just because you had a baby? I suspect this is the same thing, that he is trying not to lose himself totally to the baby? I think it is important to have a balance and something that allows him to be him (and you to be you).

Original poster
DisneyBaby · 12/10/2020 10:36

@RationalOne yes we are fully aware of the rules getting in the Cyprus and both work from home if we had to isolate on return.

The fact that covid is going on has nothing to do with his decision, it's all to do with the golf days.
I'm looking for responses just based on my personal situation, ignoring what's going on with covid at the momentSmile

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 12/10/2020 10:40

There are certain things important to the both of us we get off the other, I am not a football fan but if his team makes the final he can drop everything and go, I have a book event I want to go to if I decide to go I go.

We have holidays together or short breaks so it is not all or nothing we just both work around the 'important thing'

Florencex · 12/10/2020 10:40

I don’t hunk he is being particularly unreasonable, I think your thread title is exaggerating the situation.

He did not pull out of the first work event in favour of golf, he merely observed that he could now go since the holiday was cancelled. Regarding the second holiday, I think it is reasonable to pick dates considering what other engagements /appointments are on at the time. He has a charity golf tournament, move the holiday be a few days, job done.

RationalOne · 12/10/2020 10:41

Ah I see you want him to show you that your holiday is more important than a charity golf day. He suggests a compromise of one day less holiday so you both get a break and he spends a day with his father, that feels a reasonable compromise.

RationalOne · 12/10/2020 10:43

@seayork2020

There are certain things important to the both of us we get off the other, I am not a football fan but if his team makes the final he can drop everything and go, I have a book event I want to go to if I decide to go I go.

We have holidays together or short breaks so it is not all or nothing we just both work around the 'important thing'

This.....

Exactly

wwud12 · 12/10/2020 10:44

Just to note, Cyprus tourism usually end after half term week. Then there will only be a handful of places open. It depends what you want out of a holiday, but I've been 3 times during your dates and it's like a ghost town and twice we've had horrendous weather.

wwud12 · 12/10/2020 10:53

Oh but in response to your issue, I think it's all about compromise. If you can wiggle your dates, perhaps try that?

bethany39 · 12/10/2020 10:54

Are you both wfh with no childcare OP? I assume he doesn't pull his weight in that regard either and it's your job that's affected by having the baby with you?

Have you told him you're upset that it feels like he's prioritising golf over you and DD? Like actually said those words? I did a lot of hinting and assuming DP knew how I felt when I had a baby but it worked a lot better when I just came out with it tbh.

Original poster
DisneyBaby · 12/10/2020 11:06

@bethany39 yes I've been pretty honest and said how I feel but he's like 'you're being stupid, I'm not saying don't go away, just go for 6 nights and not 7' but I feel second best how I'm being forced to accept a holiday one day short because he doesn't want to miss either golf day.
And just to add, he plays golf every weekend, so it's not like he doesn't get to play often.

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 12/10/2020 11:14

I think you need to sit down and calmly discuss priorities now you have a family.
You need to hammer out a compromise agreement you are happy with: e.g.
golf every other Saturday only, 2 charity matches per year that have priority over dates, golf cancelled or moved to Sundays for holidays, weddings, birthdays, Christmas, (not swapped to weekends either side), family occasions

Rafflesway · 12/10/2020 11:27

I wouldn't recommend Cyprus personally! (Retired travel industry)

It's a nightmare - and very expensive - trying to obtain negative pcr tests within the necessary time frame.

Also, as wwud12 pointed out, weather can be unreliable and many places close down. You need to stick with Paphos area if you do go during November for a reasonable selection of restaurants, bars etc. being open.

Finally, hate to add but Cyprus positive covid cases have increased hugely over the past couple of weeks and it is now in the "Red zone".
Don't be surprised if the country is declared a "No go" very soon. ☹️

DynamoKev · 12/10/2020 11:32

We have been going through a bit of a rough patch in general lately so I feel like we really need the holiday,
The last thing that would fix a rough patch for me would be a holiday - but everyone is different of course.

Original poster
DisneyBaby · 12/10/2020 12:50

@Rafflesway Where would you suggest please? We're open to anywhere sunny! We also don't mind quarantining if we have to, as we both work from home anyway.
We just want sun and as busy as can be baring in mind the time of year and the current situation. Would sticking to Tenerife be better?

OP posts:
Abouttimemum · 12/10/2020 12:56

You are not being unreasonable in that your husband is being a dick and he should prioritise his family over golf, absolutely.
You are being unreasonable to go abroad in the middle of a global pandemic, given all of the issues countries all over Europe are suffering right now. I mean, have people forgotten about it?

Abouttimemum · 12/10/2020 12:59

And yes the only decent place to go in November that’s a reasonably short flight are the canaries, plus no time difference so it a easier with a baby.

Rafflesway · 12/10/2020 13:04

To be honest nowhere overseas really DisneyBaby unless you really don't mind quarantine which is much more restrictive than "Lockdown" was. ☹️

I know this is not what you want to hear and can certainly understand your need for a family holiday but virtually everywhere now either entails pcr testing and/or quarantine. My DH and I were also desperate for a break and waited until 2 weeks prior to travel before booking anything. We booked a quick week in Turkey as it looked a really safe bet! Lo and behold, on the Thursday prior to our flying home on the Saturday, 14 day quarantine was introduced upon return. ☹️ (We missed the deadline by 17 hours and have another 5 days of quarantine remaining.)

Although retired, I still belong to many travel industry info systems and forums. The feeling throughout the industry is very depressing! There is virtually nowhere to sell! Some news has filtered through this morning that a travel corridor is being considered between the UK and the Canaries so Tenerife may be back into the equation but I would hold fire before booking anything.

Sorry I don't have better news but really hope you do manage to get away.

Nottherealslimshady · 12/10/2020 13:08

A 6 day holiday to cyprus? No way it's too far. Go without him for the 2 weeks, give him some DIY jobs to get done around the oh so precious golf.

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