AIBU- to feel let down and unloved?

[FairyF1]

I will try to keep this brief - apologies if I fail!
My father caught the coronavirus whilst an inpatient and died during the summer., It was a very traumatic death - he was screaming in pain, in his own faeces and blood. I was completely alone- had to wheel all his belongings back from the hospital to my house on my own in the pitch black after he died , arrange his funeral and clear his home on my own.
My mother ( who was divorced from my father - but referred to him as her best friend at his funeral) was present when we were told he had the coronavirus. Without letting us know she left the hospital and caught a train to her home in another part of the country. We didn’t hear from her (not a text or call to say where she was, that she was ok or to ask after us) until my fathers brother went round to her house.She said she was fine and being supported by her boy friend. I asked for her help several times as my father was dying, for her to come and support me (I was also unwell with the virus ) but she declined. She wouldn’t come to see me, didn’t text to see how we were - she literally did nothing.,She also knew that I wasn’t working and had no water (problems with a leak). Although she had recently inherited several hundreds of thousand pounds she didn’t offer any help.
I feel very hurt and have cut off all contact since the funeral : I was polite , invited her and gave her some of my fathers belongings as per his will and items she had requested. She has repeatedly told family and mutual acquaintances how much she loves and misses me. However I feel very hurt and let down. I needed her and she wasn’t there- even if she couldn’t be there in person a kindly text or call? I know I am very emotional but I just don’t see how our relationship can be repaired. Unfortunately she has let me down many times in the past - so I was foolish to think it might have been different now/in a pandemic . I am her only child and would have thought she might have wanted to know I was okay - but nothing. Even now she just says the situation was difficult and cannot understand why I might be hurt by her actions. Am I being unreasonable? Are my expectations too high?

Hi hun so sorry to hear about your dad it sounds a truly awful time .
Maybe your mum was grieving in her own way and didnt really know what to do how to act ?
That being said if you say she hasn't been the best parent throughout the years maybe keep low contact until you feel able to deal with everything in your head and then just have it out with her .
I know how it feels to have parents like that , concentrate on you for the time being and be kind to yourself

Gosh. This is a tough situation.
It seems your dm didn't want to deal with your father's illness and death.
Ime some people are just selfish and only care about how something makes them feel. Only you know if your dm is like this.
If you are happier without your dm around then that is a fair decision to make.
Your expectations are certainly not too high it's just that your dm will continue to let you down and deep inside you know this.

I’d be very upset too and would limit contact

Hope you’re getting some social support from friends, colleagues etc?

May have been that she was scared of contracting the virus. Sorry for your loss

So sorry to hear that. You really have had a tough time of it.
Wow I can’t believe she didn’t help you even in a financial way. I would never do that to my kids.
I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. Rather than cut all contact I would keep low contact for your own sake. Just never expect anything from her. If anyone asks I would just be honest and say she let you down when you really needed you and it was once too often. People that know her well will probably know anyway.
You could write her a letter but she will probably make excuses for her behaviour rather than own up to letting you down.

I think you might benefit from having support from a bereavement charity for a while to work through what you have gone through so you have some good support.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for how badly your Mother has let you down. You are certainly not unreasonable to have expected her support at such an awful time, however it does sound as if she has form for this type of behaviour.

I do hope there is another relative or close friend who you can talk to, who can offer you the support you so clearly deserve after dealing with the death of your Father, virtually solo.

I hope that you find the love and support you need, even if it doesn't come from your Mother, and that as time passes, the future starts to seem a little brighter again for you.

You need to surround yourself by RL support. Have you had any kind of counselling? Do you feel your benefit from grief counselling?

I’d put your mother on the back burner for now. Give yourself time, summer was not that long ago, everything is very recent and raw.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I do hope you have RL support.

I had a similar experience when my dad died. I'm also an only child and my parents had been separated 20 yrs. My mother offered no support at all while I organised the funeral, cleared his house, organised probate, dealt with all his family. Then she rocked up at the funeral, behaved appallingly, bad mouthed him to anyone who would listen, and got into a stand up row with one of his relatives in the carpark.

I think it was her last chance to play the victim, she'd always loved slagging him off to me, despite me repeatedly asking her not to.

It sounds like your mother might have been the same, wanting to turn his death into another opportunity for her to be in the spotlight without having to do any of the grunt work.

I'm really sorry, it's shit. I never confronted my mother about her behaviour but it did irreparable damage to our relationship. It's absolutely fine if you take a big step away.

I am, sorry for your loss

Yes, step back from your mother until you are ready to have contact with her again (if ever)

Don’t feel bad. Parents should be there for their kids in times of need, and your email never is so step back for a while.

I'm sorry for your loss op

Does your mother have an anxiety disorder? Her leaving the hospital like that without telling anyone sounds like the action of someone who is overwhelmed. Was she worried about catching the virus herself?

While, obviously, she should have offered you more support, and you definitely ANBU to feel horribly let down, the situation is more difficult with your parents being divorced.

Have you asked your mother directly why she wasn't there for you? It seems so strange that she didn't even ring or text. It's either totally selfish behaviour or she has some other issue like a mh problem that she is too self conscious to admit to. But that doesn't explain not helping you out financially. I can't imagine not helping my own child in the same circumstances, although her having inherited money does not automatically mean you are entitled to it.

Not checking just to see if you are ok is the most inexplicable.

Lastly, pandemic or no pandemic, your father should not have died that way. I am so sorry he suffered so much. Could you contact PALS or the relevant authorities for a review of what happened?

She's weak and that's her problem.
I'm very sorry for your loss OP and I hope there's other people you can rely on xx

So sorry to read what you have been through, OP.

I can relate - I have both parents who have been nowhere to be seen when the shit has hit the fan with various siblings and family crises. Zero support. Sounds like your mum cannot be relied upon to support you and that's all there is to it. It doesn't mean anything about you, it's a reflection on her.

I would feel the same as you and would also cut off contact.

@namechangefail2020

May have been that she was scared of contracting the virus. Sorry for your loss

I'm sure she was, but there are ways to offer support from afar or several metres away. E.g. Text messages, emails, phone calls, and financial assistance.

Sadly although some women give birth, many just aren’t mothers. She sounds like one of these women. I’m sorry you didn’t have support from her. She will keep letting you down but I understand you continue to hope she might change. I get it because my mum is the same. You don’t deserve it and I’m so sorry she hasn’t given you the support you need.

OP, what you have gone through is terrible, and of course YANBU to feel alone and unloved. I am so sorry for your loss of your father, and that you were aware of all he went through. Having to deal with it alone, and with the feelings you have towards your mother and how she has let you down is something no one should have to do. I hope you can find some true support elsewhere. It is no good hoping that your mother will change - they just do not, however reprehensible their behaviour has been, and she is unlikely to ever admit to it either.
So I do hope you find friends, other relatives, perhaps on your father's side, to support you, and counselling help. Apart from the usual bereavement counselling, there is a programme called Grief Recovery. It is not therapy but a short series of about 6 structured meetings to explore the feelings around a death or other loss. It involves writing things between sessions, and really facing the truth of how we feel. I found it very good in the aftermath of my mother's death as I had a lot of anger and resentful feelings towards her and towards my brothers who made my life very difficult after she died. It validates your feelings and allows you to let it go and move on to happier things.
I hope you find the happiness you deserve from now on.

Your mother has form and sounds extremely selfish.

You do EXACTLY what suits you best OP.

Care and consideration is not a one way street.

Your mother obviously thinks it is.

Get support IRL and leave her to get on with it.

"Your mother is grieving in her own way" Actually she sounds like a heartless bitch-it's one thing to be upset but to treat your daughter like this repeatedly? I'd take a look over at the Stately homes thread.