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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU To think he thinks IBU

17 replies

Poppyapplebobber · 11/10/2020 21:27

I love cleaning my house, but its hard work we have three children and two dogs, its a viscous circle of picking up after everyone including my DP. Now i never ever moan about my DP but lately hes become really lazy and tonight Ive blown! I got up this morning and cleared all the beer bottles away from last night, i had a bottle of wine when the kids went to bed, ive prepared and cooked dinner, cleaned up three times then his mate called and he said he was going to the pub because they might be shut again tomorrow. Now i know im doing nothing out of the ordinary just been a good mom and housewife but im absolutely sick of picking up after him. His response was youve got some massive balls saying that i do nothing around here ive worked all week (from home in his office where most of the day hes talking to his mates on the phone) I also work 2 nights a week as a nurse, i was like why have i got massive balls for telling you the truth? So weve had a but of a slanging match not resolved anything and ive come to bed tribg to pinpoint when he became a twat, hes sat downstairs listening to music loudly whilst two kids are in bed, drinking a beer acting like im in the fuckin wrong. We never do anything anymore, not that we can at the moment, but it really frustrates me that men can just decide without any notice or planning that they can drop their responsibilities and disappear. This is the first disagreement weve had for about three years my bloods boiling. So AIBU to be annoyed? Am i in the wrong here??

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Laughingcrow · 11/10/2020 21:36

Yanbu! Same situation here minus the drinking. Cultural reasons though. I'd like to say what most people say and that's why do you put up with it etc. You should leave but financially it wouldn't work, 2 I actually love him just resent his laziness at home as this is the culture we grew up in. And it is more common than you think but a lot of people will say their DH is amazing and everything is 50/50. Many are but also many aren't!

Laughingcrow · 11/10/2020 21:38

I didn't write that very well. But hope you understand what j mean. I'm exhausted after just bathing 4 kids who all decided they weren't happy to do so so tears all round whilst he wasn't happy about it.... Instead of helping he is in a mood Hmm

Poppyapplebobber · 11/10/2020 21:43

I too love the bones of DP hes not a big drinker, one night a week normally which doesn't bother me, we used to be so 50/50, we moved into this house a year a go and its bigger, a work in progress so theres always something going on, ive been painting every spare hour i get when the little ones napping and then he had the cheek to say to me what have you done all week cause im currently off work with a bad back, which is not getting any better due to the lack of help im getting right now. I usually just keep my mouth shut because he does work hard but dont we all?? Glad im not the inky one havinv this issue..... not that i thought i would be lol bloody men!! X

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PlanDeRaccordement · 11/10/2020 21:48

What was the disagreement precisely? Was it you didn’t want him to go to the pub but to stay home so you could do something together? Or Was the disagreement about not doing his share of housework? Or both?

So, I take it, he’s stayed home and so that’s why he’s pretending it’s a pub downstairs by drinking and playing music loudly. And he’s denied that he doesn’t do enough around the house as well- which has made you lose all desire to even be in same room as him. So youre feeling very defeated and demoralised and lonely.

YANBU. Hopefully since it’s first argument in 3 years, you two can later have a calm discussion that will result in him doing more around the house and both of you carving out time with each other.

WERKITKAT · 11/10/2020 21:49

‘...but it really frustrates me that men can just decide...’

‘ lol bloody men!! X’

Are you really that stupid to judge an entire gender based on the shitty actions of your partner?

Poppyapplebobber · 11/10/2020 21:54

Oh no he went to the pub, my initial reason for being pissed off was that hes sat on the sofa all day whilst ive took care of everything and everybody, then when he said he was "popping out" my anger levels went from 0 to 100 because its so easy for men to just do that isnt it? Its like a bloody military op for me to leave the house without the kids. I think im just venting, i know i take on too much and probably do take over in the house i just expect the same level of team work that has always been there

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Poppyapplebobber · 11/10/2020 21:57

WERKITKAT No sorry just 99% of them i'll leave the 1% out that obviously belongs to you 😂 unless your a man and yoh are that 1% 👍🏼

God can a woman not even have a rant without someone having a go at them

I know some men are perfect, i would normally drop mine in to the perfect pile to but not today

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Shizzlestix · 11/10/2020 22:03

So stop making life easy for him. Stop picking up after him. How can he sit and do nothing all day? Why are you running round after him? He can clear his own shit up, make his own meals, do his own washing and he can turn off the music so his kids can sleep. Twat.

graceeellixo · 11/10/2020 22:08

Tell him you’re not a maid and if you wanted to be a cleaner you’d have got a job as one! Selfish little shit

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/10/2020 22:09

Is the bad back thing true OP?

Poppyapplebobber · 11/10/2020 22:11

Funny thing to ask but Yeah its true, im waiting on mri results

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mineofuselessinformation · 11/10/2020 22:12

Just stop picking up after him - do yours and the dcs stuff and leave the rest....

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/10/2020 22:14

Wait, so you’re the one with the bad back? I couldn’t tell from the update. It sounded to me like your DH was saying he was off with a bad back as an excuse for not doing much physical around the house.

He is definitely being unreasonable. How can he not understand he needs to do more because you are in pain!

Poppyapplebobber · 11/10/2020 22:17

Yeah im the one with the bad back, ive had it for so long i just get on with it but lately its gone from bad to worse pain wise.
He just dont like been told, straight on the defensive

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Time2change2 · 11/10/2020 22:19

But many men can’t just pop out. My DH would never just routinely leave at the weekend to go to the pub. If he had arranged it, that’s different and in that case, I would probably have arranged to meet with a friend with kids or take the kids out somewhere myself.
Rules like this of what is acceptable were laid out very very early in the relationship. If we didn’t like each other’s rules and expectations, the relationship would have ended then.
Had your DP always just done what he wanted or has this just crept up over time?
He should be a team with you, looking after the house and caring for the children. Otherwise it’s just someone else you have to care for - like an extra child. If he works during the week, great. You look after the kids (work) and then go out to work two nights (also work) so you both work in the week. At the weekend jobs should be shared? Unless you sit around all week with a nanny looking after the kids?

stovetopespresso · 11/10/2020 22:22

maybe lower your standards?

Poppyapplebobber · 11/10/2020 22:28

Hes always had a night a week which has never bothered me, me and the kids have a night in doing kid stuff and its been like that from day one. Its just lately i seem to be doing more and more, i do all the school runs, shopping, washing, cleaning, most the cooking, i fix things, i dont rely on him for nothing or ask him for anything, i e never needed to, i just expect help and a bit if gratitude. His job is quite relaxed, before the home working started i dont think hed done a full day in years

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