Baby bedtime - please help

[Appleofmyeye05]

Posting here for traffic

My baby is 10 months and I’m really really struggling to get him to sleep of a night.

I’ve recently made the transition to his own bedroom and at first he seemed to take quite well to it. Our routine was to feed him a bottle till he was drowsy and then I’d put him in his cot and he would go to sleep after short cuddle.

He now wants to be held and rocked to sleep and I physically cannot do it. My back is killing from rocking him none stop and swaying him to get him to drift off and it seems like he is really fighting to keep himself awake.

I have recently been trying the approach to let him cry it out, but I find it so difficult to sit and listen to him cry proper tears and after 5 mins I’m going back in his room to soothe him. Tonight, he didn’t cry as much and seemed to self settle although he was sat up and I could see him falling asleep whilst sat up on the monitor so I went in and laid him down he went to sleep. I thought woohoo we’ve cracked it! But he woke half hour later wanting cuddles and to be rocked to sleep. I put him down twice when he was drowsy and as soon as he realised he was being lifted back into the cot he was upset and crying again. I left him both times but as I say I couldn’t leave him sobbing in his cot so I’ve relented and he’s back in bed with me!

He was poorly a few weeks back, full of cold and also teething which lead me to loosen the rules a bit and I let him in bed with me as he was so congested and I wanted him to feel better and comforted but I feel I’ve undone all the hard work I put in to get him into his cot on his own the first time.

Please can anyone give me any Advice or guidance as to what I can do or steps I can take as I’d really like to reclaim my bed again.

Also, I know Some people don’t agree with bed sharing but we sleep safely as per the lullaby guidance.

No advice unfortunately but lots of sympathy. We did sleep training at the beginning of the year around 12mo. Seem to have found ourselves back at square one with DD in our bed again from midnight every night.

Their sleep is so changeable that I think it's hard to stick to the "rules" at times.

We've had success with gradual withdrawal at getting her to sleep. There are many sleep regressions though which throw everything up.in the air again so don't beat yourself up.

I used to gently move my finger in circles on baby's skin - on hand or temple - and he would drift off.

I'd go for gradual retreat rather than cry it out.

Make the decision op.
Do you want dc to go to bed and sleep unaided?.
Bath, bottle, quick cuddle and into the cot.
You may have to go in and place him lying down a dozen times the first night. Or more!
A shhhh bit no lift out.
Leave 1 minute.
Next time leave 2 mins.
And 3 mins etc . You will soon learn how 'serious' the upset is. Short spells of time to self settle won't have him hysterical ime.
No way am I saying leave him sobbing.

My ds at 10 months had never slept alone or in the dark (hospital most of his early months with me beside him).
He slept through on the THIRD NIGHT!!
You are only going to confuse him by changing your mind!

I have made a rod for my own back with the bed sharing as I know he loves being cuddled to sleep. He has two naps during the day and the way he goes to sleep is by being cuddled by me.

Yes I know. I’m just trying to do my best that’s all.

I was telling my child minder about it and she said leave him for no longer than 20 mins and I think that is an awfully long time to leave a child under 1 in tears.

Ah you haven't made a rod for your own back at all. They are only small for a tiny duration, but if you want him to fall asleep unaided he will need to learn to self settle. What Sunnydaysstillhere has posted is really good advice. Gradual retreat so not controlled crying. They understand you haven't abandoned them. It takes a few goes but does work if you are consistent.

I’ve just looked it up online and I’m going to start it from tomorrow.

It depends what you want, I cuddle my nearly two year old to sleep, I read him a story he snuggles in to me and goes to sleep in about ten to fifteen minutes then I put him in his cot, he mostly stays there but sometimes he ends up in with us. I really love that quiet time especially when I've been at work all day, you don't find many teenage still asking to be cuddled to sleep so is it worth the fight? SIL is a big fan of cry out our and that's up to her, but honestly it would make me as upset as DS of not more so, so she does what works for her and I do what works for me (DH and I actually take turns and the other starts dinner)

Yes that’s what I keep telling myself too about him not being little for long and to grab the cuddles whilst I’m still able to, but in the same breath I don’t want him in my bed when he’s 4/5. That will be why I’m sending mixed messages to him about bedtime.

It is so difficult to sit there and listen to them cry for you, he has recently learned to say mama so he just cries and says mama and my heart cannot bear it. I can’t believe some people actually leave them alone for 2 plus hours for that extinction method 🤮

I’m going to give the gradual retreat a go, I had a look at it last night on the web so hopefully it will be the start of a much smoother bedtime routine for us both.

Thank you for your advice.

You haven't made a rod for your own back OP . Your ds is falling asleep feeling safe, comforted and loved. He's still tiny. I did gradual retreat with ds1 at 13 months. I took it really slowly, and within a couple if months he was going to sleep in his cot with me sitting outside the door. His night time sleep improved immeasurably too as he learnt how to resettle himself I assume.

You are his comfort at the moment, try to make sure he has something else to get comfort from . If he has a dummy it could be that, soft toy, music , light show etc.

I don't believe in "making a rod for your own back" and "teaching bad habits" to a baby. My first was a terrible sleeper- she co-slept and breastfed until she was 18mo. We then transitioned her directly to a toddler bed and still cuddled her to sleep. She is 3yo now. Asks to go to bed. Sleeps 7pm-7am no trouble at all. Bedtime is 10 minutes maximum. Minimal crying and stress and she loves bedtime now. Of course it's everyone's choice how tackle bedtime/sleep and I am well aware that sleep trained kids are just as happy/well-adjusted so this isn't a criticism of that. I'm just saying if you want to cuddle your baby to sleep there's no harm in it. You don't have to sleep train.

For anyone who may be interested in how the first night went:

At 6pm I started with some quiet time before bed, spoke softly, no playing or laughing or anything. Made his bottle around 6.20 and 6.30 we went up to bed. He had a few sips of his milk, not as much as I’d hoped for an easier first night. I then sat in the nursing chair and held him, no rocking or swaying. Just an occasional shhh noise.

He was wriggling and squirming trying to escape so I sat on the floor besides his cot as I was having to adjust my seating position and adjust him in my arms. I sat on the floor, and He. Kicked. Off.

Screaming, real tears, ended up wet through with sweat. Even though the room was dimly light by a plug in nightlife I could see his cheeks were red. That seemed to last a long time but in realist must of been around 5-7 mins, he then started to settle and drift off. He opened his eyes again and screamed the house down again, I changed the way I was holding him just as he was so hot and he seemed to settle better laying on my left side. He was spitting his dummy out, them taking it out and throwing it so I removed the dummy for a short while and gave it back when he seemed to calm down. I bet the neighbours thought I was murdering him he was screaming and crying so much.😭 I instinctively kept trying to rock him but stopped myself and whilst he was crying I kept thinking, he would be crying anyway if I left him alone in his cot and it’s better that I’m there.

About half an hour after I first went up he gave in and fell asleep. I’ve layed him back in his cot and removed the nightlight in the hope it won’t disturb him.

He will more than likely wake in about 40 mins to an hour and I guess we will have to restart the whole thing (from the gradual withdrawal guide I have read online).

Please don’t leave him to cry it out.

We sleep trained at 7 months because I was going out of my mind - we did gentle controlled crying - can you afford a sleep consultant? Better to pay and get proper advice than do a DIY job which may not work.

It’s so, so hard when they don’t sleep. We had to rock to sleep, multiple wakings, long periods awake in the night. Awful.

Sleep training does work, but do a gentle method and get professional advice.

Poor thing, that sounds so tough OP you definitely haven’t made a rod for your own back, he obviously feels so lovely and secure with his cuddles and you’ve done what’s worked for you - there’s nothing wrong with that!
We are going through a sort of sleep training with DD who is the same age (our issue is trying to end feeding to sleep!), and what we’re doing is put her in the cot, if she starts to cry we pick her up and rock for a short time and then put her in her cot again and gently rub her back and shhh her. I read that gentle physical contact just reassures them.

I couldn’t face leaving her to cry, I also worry about creating negative associations with going to bed by making them so upset.

Also, what are you doing for nap time? I think consistency is key that you do the same routine for every single sleep time so they understand that it’s time to sleep.

He woke a further two times since my last post, the first time he took some more of his bottle and I tried restarting the above but I just couldn’t face him being so so upset. The sound he was making whilst crying makes me think he’s going to have a sore throat in the morning 😣 so I rocked him back to sleep. I just could not let him go on for an half hour - maybe even longer. I just couldn’t do it to him. He woke again and I turned him on his side (his preferred sleeping position) and gently tapped his bum and stroked his head and he went back off. Hearts in pieces tonight. was so close to getting him in bed with me again.

For his other naps he does lay with me usually. Sometimes not cuddled but it’s never in his room which I know I need to tackle. He has had a bad day for sleeping today, both naps he did not want to go down and screamed the house down before drifting off and he NEVER does that for his day time naps. He wouldn’t even settle being cuddled.

Sadly no, I cannot afford a sleep consultant. I have come to the conclusion that I’m going to use the gradual withdrawal as a guide only. If he is really upset I won’t hesitate to comfort him in the way he wants.

I tortured myself with trying to get DS1 to sleep for longer/in his cot/self settle etc etc etc he would never to it and I nearly went mad trying to get him to do it without leaving him to cry because I won't do that.

In the end I realised (with some help from my DM who had 2 shit sleepers, I was one of them!) that him going going to sleep by himself and no crying were incompatible! So I stopped fighting it and accepted how things were and things were much easier from that point on!

We cuddled him to sleep and then put him in his cot, still stay with him whilst he goes to sleep now he is 4. Once he's asleep he generally goes through in his bed. If he doesn't DH cot sleeps with him. It's not a drama. We plan to start seeing if he's ready to go off by himself in the next few weeks but wanted to get him through the first few weeks of school first.

DS2 is the same. Cuddled to sleep and into cot, comes in with me when he wakes. Do what you need to do to get everyone the most sleep. There is no rule that you can't bed share or have to sleep train. By all means give it a go but if it doesn't work don't beat yourself up, some babies just don't do the self settling thing!

No real advice just wanted to share. My daughter was a super colicky baby who literally never slept and by 6 months I was due to start work and I just couldn't take any more. I chose to do CC not because I thought it was the best option but because I just couldn't be around her anymore towards the evening. It worked out for us and she's generally been quite a good sleeper since ( probably about average but I was more than pleased with the results) it's not for everybody and I don't think it's always necessary, so gentle methods are probably your best bet if you've still got the patience. I also think the rod for your own back thing is nonsense. Every child goes through fazes and there are so many issues you have to deal with. A Mumsnet quote I once read was ' I'm sorry I can't go to dinner because I didn't learn how to eat with a fork' seems silly but it applies to a lot of issues with infants. How many problems you worry about now relate to later life?