Ever feel uncomfortable?

[Autumnlight78]

Do you ever feel uncomfortable in your partner’s presence?
I’ve been feeling this more and more..I actually feel happier and more ‘Comfortable‘ when it’s just me and my toddler Dd.
Starting to dread weekends and eating out, with nothing much to say or a tense atmosphere..makes me end up feeling so low inside.
Do ever of you honestly feel like this ever?

Yes, I feel like this if we’re alone at home.
Do you work ?
Do you have friends/family ?

Only if we've had cross words. But then one of us will apologise as we both hate feeling upset with each other.

I can only really be 100% at peace if DH DC and I are all home together.

Do you go out together, like on a date ?
How do you feel about being intimate ?

It may be that you've just grown apart / grown into different people. And once that switch flips you focus on it and it becomes worse. You may need to make a conscious effort to really talk to one another and reconnect, rather than just the day to day 'can you buy milk' communication.

But it may be that you can't and that's okay. You can't always rescue a relationship.

@FippertyGibbett How come you feel like that if you’re at home alone together?

I teach part time since Dd came along, before that I worked full time since uni.

Family aren’t here as we live abroad, friends here.

Haven’t been intimate since Dd was born, not in the mood for it at all

No, never. I feel perfectly content and comfortable in his company and would always rather have him around than not.

Is he aggressive or rude to you OP?

@Bonniface Sometimes I guess, but we argue a lot so I suppose there’s always that underlying tension present

Most of the time tbh. My DP’s default mood is angry. I’ve walked on egg shells for nearly 21 years and constantly berate myself for not doing something about it before now.

@NorthernBirdAtHeart That’s hard, do you think you’ve just accepted it will always be like this?

Hey @Autumnlight78, yes, unfortunately. He is who he is, he will never change. I’ve compromised so much of myself to be with this man over the years, and put up with so much, which I know is totally of my own doing.

My DC’s are teens, I’m counting down the years until they’ve left home, then I’ll do the same. I had such an awful fractious upbringing, I couldn’t bear to hurt my DD’s by splitting up the family.
But you’re much younger than me (I think!), don’t let the years turn into decades. You deserve every happiness.
Feel free to PM me x

Has this started since lockdown? I think I would hold off any major decisions until things are more normal, it may be the situation rather than him specifically.

It sound as though you’ve lost each other as a couple and ‘just’ become parents. What was your relationship like pre children? Is it worth trying to reconnect as a couple to see if there’s anything there? Do you have anyone who could babysit?

No, I never felt like this with my DH, but I did with my ex. I was always worried what he was thinking, was going to do next, how I looked, and so on. He was really controlling though and abusive, and you haven't said that this is similar to your relationship. I was on eggshells all the time with my ex.

@Camomila No, since before lockdown, I’d say it definitely got worse when Dd was born.

@Marnie76 It’s worsened since Dd came along, although obviously we’re happier in different ways, there’s no time for us. We’ve not been properly alone in two years 🙈

@NorthernBirdAtHeart So sorry you’ve had to endure that for so long, I understand what you’re saying with regard to your children. I’m really hoping soon will be your time for happiness 💐

P.s I’m not sure if I’m ‘Much younger’ than you, had my Dd fairly late in life, am 42 now.

I'm sorry OP I suspect my response will not fill you with joy but yes what you describe is exactly how I felt with exdh in the months (well years if I am honest ) leading up to the split. I'm not suggesting it's the end for all relationships but on top of all the tangible issues this is one I remember acutely.

For me it almost created this toxic horrible atmosphere in the home which I didn't want my DC to grow up with. We didnt argue , we didn't shout or scream or even really disagree . The awkwardness came from having nothing to say, no relationship left.

Oddly my DP were discussing the opposite last night that even after spending practically 24/7 with each other for the last 6 months we still were comfortable I actually thought about what a massive difference it was to exdh and I.

I'm truly sorry and I hope yours is different from my experience and I can't offer a solution as mine was divorce (sorry !)

Crap! I didn't mean to be smug about my DP I just meant it made me realise it's not a normal part of a long term marriage or relationship.

Haven’t been intimate since Dd was born, not in the mood for it at all

Tbh this can pretty much be it because that's a proper while and whether people believe it or not, intimacy is an important part of relationship. Basically you live next to each other in the end rather than together (unless previously mutually agreed)

It's possible he resents you for not being intimate with him. He could have gone about things differently than saying you look miserable. Someone caring would have said. "Hey how is everything going? Had a chat with you about your day or work or whatever and tried to find out what was off rather than just saying You look miserable." I've had the same feelings with my DH before and I've managed to overcome it to an extent by being more direct. The reason things are awkward between you is a symptom of some other problem in the relationship. There is some disconnect between the two of you and you need to pin point what it is. What are the arguments about between you ?

@Shinyletsbebadguys How did it eventually end?

@Spinakker Maybe but he’s not seemed that interested either, only on a couple of occasions.
I had problems after the birth and had a prolapse and am still breastfeeding..I can’t see myself ever having sex again, can’t imagine it,

Another weekend comes to an end where I feel down and lonely..no one else?

@Autumnlight78

Another weekend comes to an end where I feel down and lonely..no one else?

People have already told you that they feel the same. Or felt the same with an ex.

I think it’s fairly obvious that it’s not that common in happy, healthy relationships.

The question now is do you want to work to stick it out or cut your losses? Not a decision you need to make right away but certainly something to think about.