Aibu to expect more from my 13 year old?

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13 year old DS does nothing around the house really. I ask the bare minimum of him, such as putting his dirty washing in the wash basket and clearing cups/plates from his room and putting school bag and shoes in a certain place when home from school.
I clean his room, do all his dishes even when he's 'cooked' stuff like toast, sandwiches, pizza etc, make the bed, put away his washing and so on.
My mum did everything for me until the day I moved out at 19, in her opinion he's a child and shouldn't have to do these things. But surely if I'm raising a lazy son he will turn into a lazy adult!?
Aibu to think he could do more around the house?

YANBU. A 13 year old should be able to do basic things. I was never made to do any chores or housework so when I left home at 18 I had no idea how to do anything and my flat was a shitpit for ages until I got my act together. I had to ask people how to do things like boil an egg or how to use a washing machine. I won’t be making that mistake with my kids.

I have one at 13. They are expected to make their bed every morning, out away their clean washing when it is done in dribs and drabs during the week, then wash, dry and put away their own load at the weekend. Empty or stack dishwasher at least once a day. Change their own bedding and towels. Vacuum their own bedroom without being asked and the communal spaces when asked. Notice when things are running low and add them to the shopping list. Surface cleans in bathroom or kitchen when asked. Clean their own shoes and boots (big thing here, lots of mud, lots of sports). Cook dinner one night a week.

Nothing onerous, all very doable, all very normal I’d have thought.

My mum did the same for me and it did me no favours frankly.

I’ll be having my sons assist from young.

My 7yo puts his washing into the correct hamper, tidied his room and brings dishes through.

He wants to start hoovering which I will teach him soon.

Voted YABU as my 13 year old little boo boo has only recently stopped having a night light on at bed time and I think hes still my baby 😂. Though he has autism and is really clean as everything has to be in its correct place so I dont ask him to do much.

YANBU. I am in the same position as you and my DM thinks it's awful that I ask my 13 and 10 year old to help out occasionally, making their beds, keeping their rooms tidy, putting stuff in the dishwasher, emptying the dishwasher putting their washing away but they refuse to do it regularly and having a DH that doesn't do much round the house unless asked (told) I too don't want to raise lazy DC

Rather than thinking of it as chores view it as life skills. My sister and I by 13 were expected to be able to wash up, dry up, push the washer on, peg it out (on hang on clothes horse to dry), bring it in and put ours away and to tidy as we went. We wouldn't be expected to do it all every week but to be able to do it if asked. We also put all our washing in the hamper and strip and change our own beds. By this age we were also being taught basic meals such as cottage pie, spag bol, chilli and by 16 could cook a roast dinner. These skills will help him in the future. As an adult I wish there'd been a rota so I knew exactly what was expected of me each day so I could get it done without it interrupting my evening (I'm the kind of person who wakes up and get all my housework done asap).

DS is 12 and his jobs are emptying the dishwasher, taking out the recycling and keeping his room tidy, dusted, hoovered etc. He also changes his own bedding when prompted. Takes plates etc into kitchen when finished with them and puts in dishwasher.

YANBU but he needs to be told to do it and supported in making sure he can. Mine doesn't do loads, but she does what's asked with grace. She does either dishwasher or washing up lunch boxes and water bottles daily, changing her own bedding, lays table and helps clear, puts clothes away (eventually), occasional vacuuming & tidying. Also helped to paint her bedroom.

If he's resistant it can be because he doesn't know how or is worried about getting it wrong, so it really repays to walk him through it.

You need to introduce basic household tasks so he becomes a capable adult. I would start with laundry in basket, stripping bed weekly and putting clean sheets on, vacuuming his room periodically (don't be too ambitious in frequency) and washing up/putting dirty stuff in dishwasher. By 14 introduce basic cooking skills including making a family meal each week, by 16 he does his own laundry ... workers for me

Yanbu op and good for realizing it now. My ds is 4yo and already does little chores. He makes his bed, clothes in the hamper, leaves all dishes in the kitchen sink, makes a good attempt at tidying his toys and other little stuff. Dh and I both make sure that he sees us both doing it and its normalized to him.
I completely agree your ds needs to contribute to chores. It will only benefit him in life.

I am always bewildered at parents who do everything for their kids as it's so far away from my own experience. My parents expected (and got) masses from us.

From 10 my job was the family ironing. My brother vacuumed and mowed the lawn. Tidied. Did washing, cooked once or twice a week, washed up etc. Basically chores were split into 4 regardless of age or sex.

My 2 are 11 and they tidy up, put away washing, load and empty the dish washer. They make their own breakfast and in extremis will do school packed lunch (I prefer to do it but very occasionally they will if they have to). Dd1 can knock up pasta, toast, scrambled egg and both of them could knock up freezer tea although are likely to 'forget' the veg.

Oh and they will change their bedding.

YANBU OP, and it's important that he learns how to do for himself, and that he should do for himself, not expect someone else to do so.

I do most things for my DSs but certainly not everything, especially for the elder. I don't do paid work and see it as my 'job'/ role to look after them. I'm no martyr though and have plenty of time to myself, go to the gym every day etc. So long as they do their bit- working hard at school and homework, I see it as doing my bit.

DS 18 does know how to iron, use the washing machine, cook some basic meals etc. As I'm a widow, he's also helpful if I need someone tall or strong to do a particular job. He's always willing to help with jobs like decorating if I need him.

I find that I'm actually a good role model to them- I look after them and show them how to be thoughtful/ grateful/ look after someone else. They are thoughtful in return towards me. They'll often ask if I want a cuppa or if they can set the table or if anything needs doing because they've had this behaviour modelled towards them.

My own mum died when I was a young teenager and I used to ache to be 'mothered'. Once, a friend's mum made me a sandwich and cut it into quarters. I cried, as it was the kind of thing a mum would do. Even when i'm making my younger's bed for example, I think of it as an act of love.

Are you a lazy adult? If not, then YABU because of the logic you present on this one.

I have a 14 year He makes drinks/snacks whenever. He will iron, vacuum, put his washing on, out on line and clean the bathroom when asked. He never complains and this morning vacuumed his sisters room (she is much younger). I’m very proud of him today.

I never had to do many chores around the house and I don't think I'm a lazy adult so I don't think it follows directly. But YANBU at all to start getting him to do more. It's not your mum's business.

My MIL did everything for DH and his brothers. She seems weirdly proud of it.

DH isn't very good at noticing when things need tidying or cleaning and also does annoying stuff like leaving his work bag in the middle of the hall, waiting for the fairy to move it.

He's not terrible, but I wish she'd taught him more, as I feel like he just relies on me to do all the household stuff and I resent it.

@leSquigh I was very similar, when I koved out I had no idea what I needed to clean and how regularly etc. Funnily enough it was my DM who then showed me the ropes but had she done that while I still lived at home I would have been much more prepared!
@francesflute that's exactly what i dont want when he one day moves in with somebody, I know what it's like to live with a lazy partner and I don't wish that on anybody!

At the risk of sounding like a cliche - you are not doing him any favours. Not making him do chores at home is the equivalent of not making him study at school. It’s not setting him up for success as an adult.

My mum was very strict growing up and I had to do a lot of chores. At 13, I cooked twice per week, set and cleared the table, did the hoovering, walked the dog, did my own laundry etc. I also worked part-time. On the other hand, DH never did chores growing up. MIL was controlling to the point of abuse and didn't want him to have any life skills at all so he'd be completely reliant on her forever. He was absolutely not allowed to learn to do anything at all.
As adults, my mum has accepted that she expected way too much of me and really resents it. It definitely negatively impacted my childhood and my academics. We're no contact at all with MIL.
To be honest, DH does most of the housework. I love the freedom of being able to leave a dish and not be yelled at or to do things when they suit me. DH, on the other hand, loves the freedom to be able to do chores and contribute and not be considered to be useless.
I don't think not doing chores in childhood will necessary make for a lazy or useless adult. Equally, I don't think doing them will produce a pro-active adult.
Do what works in your current circumstances - if you ask him to do basic things then he should do them. It's not about who he might turn into, it's about who he is now.

So you have never gently built chores into his routine? Given him a few jobs to do... Every Saturday morning or something... And now your going To come 👇 on him like a ton of bricks just when he turns into a teen because he hasn't magiced himself into this amazing cleaning boy??.

Yes he should have some chores but this is your fault.

Instead of nagging him and Moaning.
Stop.
Don't mention it then in a few weeks... Suggest some things he needs to do. Write it down, put reminder on his phone.. Say when he is meant to do it. Start small then build up.

Mountain, good post.

Please start teaching him to budget, cook, clean a bathroom (esp the loo which boys tend to make v dirty) and do washing. Get him to choose a meal he'd like to cook and guide him through the process.

He will then start respecting all you've done for him but also gradually start becoming self-sufficient.

Both our DS can cook (dinners and sometimes a cake), they know how to do the washing and can clean (sometimes they earn extra money by cleaning the house). But I have never made them do anything. The reason being is that my parents forced me to do everything damn thing and I hated it! I always had jobs, always had to be up and ready to do stuff with my dad, cleaning for my mums. I promised myself I'd teach my kids to do stuff, which I've done, but I would rather do things for them.

My eldest are 12 and 10. Their jobs are:

• Tidy up their own crap - shoes/ bags/coats in the right place, take their own cups etc to the sink.
• Do their own (shared) room. This includes everything - tidying, polishing, hoovering, cleaning the window when needed, stripping and re-making their own beds.
• Setting the table for dinner every night and then clearing the table afterwards and wiping the table down.

Those are their regular chores that they’re expected to do without asking which I feel is more than reasonable. They do get asked to do ad-hoc things though like give the living room a quick tidy, empty the dishwasher, put the recycling out or outside bits like helping dh mow the lawn/wash the car/organise the garage.

Plus they do their own breakfast and they often make their own lunch (for themselves and dc3).

I think at the minimum a 13 year old should be cleaning his own room. Having complete responsibility for their own space has taught my two a lot. They go through a natural ‘learning cycle’...they keep it like a new pin for a few weeks then let it slide until it’s a pigsty and they have to spend 3 hours cleaning it (they’re not the fastest 😂). They’ve gradually realised they have a choice and that to avoid the 3 hour cleaning marathons they need to keep on top of it which is a pretty decent life skill I reckon.