To not want this extension? At least for now

[ChillPillRequired]

Long time user, nc but penis beaker, cancel the cheque etc

My dh and I have lived in our house for 9 years. We took a 25 year mortgage and have been aggressively overpaying so that we will probably be mortgage free in 5.

We earn well and certainly better than our friends of a similar age. We have two kids under 6. We used to earn more but I switched to self-employed and ended up overstretched and in debt. That's almost cleared but I've been throwing everything at it.

Previously we have had our loft done and it cost a fortune and then since that work was completed he has been on about getting an extension. Our current conservatory is fine and functional but apparently it makes him feel "depressed".

So for the last six years he's been trying to get us to save up for this extension and then life gets in the way and wipes out whatever savings have been put towards it.

I found out yesterday that some dear family friends were killed in a car crash and during the whole corona nonsense I've had time to take stock and assess what's really important.

He's working way too much (60 hour weeks) and making himself ill. He barely gets to see the kids and then reprimands me when I say I need a break. I've managed to start bringing in a more consistent income that covers all my bills and there's the opportunity to earn a bit more. He's then decided that we should take out a secured loan against the house to get this extension and on top of all our current financial commitments I need to bring in an additional £250/£300 to pay this off over 5 years. He will be able to match the contribution from his salary as well.

The more I think about it and the more I work out exactly what this magical unicorn extension will do, the less I'm convinced. And last night, after speaking to his parents and my best friend, I told him I don't want to do it. At least not now. I want to use that additional money to build up a stronger financial buffer. Treat the kids to a summer holiday when all the pandemic is over and focus on clearing the mortgage. While I get that rates are low at the moment, price of building work I'll increase and that we may end up with a different neighbour who won't be as kind about party wall agreements, the time is not right and it's causing too much stress and stopping us from doing other, probably more important stuff.

He got really angry and said I was being selfish. He had paid for everything since the kids were born and that now I have to show a bit of financial commitment it's too hard and that's unfair. While I don't contribute as much into the financial pot as him, I do contribute plus 95% of the childcare, run the house, all the meals and was under the impression this isn't a financial completion over who contributes more.

So my question is, am I being selfish? We don't need this space. He keeps talking about this hypothetical scene of when it's done which does sound lovely but is just some idea or what the future can be. Our house is at the top end of the pricing in our area already from the work that's been done and we don't have any plans to move. I just feel like he's working himself into an early grave and sacrificing way too much for mañana mañana. Thoughts?

I agree with you OP, even from a cold financial perspective only your position makes more sense- reduction of debt and risk is a smart choice in uncertain economic times.

Add in the fact that there is no compelling reason for the extension and its a no brainer.

I'm not even going to go there on the relationship/attitude of your OH, he isn't being sensible at all.

What is he proposing to do with this magical extension that will somehow improve his mental health enough to warrant being such a dick to his wife?

Perhaps you could talk to a local estate agent, offer them a small "consult" fee to discuss the current value of your home versus the value with the proposed extension.

If it doesn't make economic sense in the long run, and you have enough space in your home currently then I would also be concentrating on paying off mortgage and building a financial buffer before anything else.

However if the extension would make economical sense in the long run perhaps it's worth considering.

However you need to make sure your husband understands that his financial contribution has only been possibly because of your practical contribution, using that against you he sounds like a dick.

He sounds extremely unfulfilled and is looking for a cure/joy/excitement/distraction in this extension. He needs to look at the source of these feelings, not continue to overstretch the finances in pursuit of something to make himself feel better. He also needs to learn to live in the now.

What would it be after the extension was done? A new car? Another kid? Redoing the bathroom?

And yeah, he also needs to stop taking whatever these feelings are out on his supposed teammate, i.e, you.

Why the whole stress of paying off the mortgage? Put the extension cost on the mortgage, take little longer to pay it off. You dont want to have no life to pay off the mortgage

Thanks for the responses and reassuring me. The poster who said that he's feeling unfulfilled hit the nail on the head. He's always chasing a big project and as soon as it's complete and I feel like we have a chance to take our foot of the gas there's a new obsession to replace it.

He's always prided himself on being financially shrewd and in the polar opposite. However, I'm doing better and I feel like he's moving in the opposite direction. Chatting to my fil, he's let slip that one of my husband's work colleagues is having an extension done at the moment. This is the same colleague who has a wood burner (which we then got), plantation shutters (which we then got) and I feel like there may be a comparison culture setting in because this colleague always seems happy and fulfilled.

He's gone to work today in a mood and it's the first time in our marriage we've gone to bed in a full disagreement.

I'm hoping as the dust settles he'll see sense. The overpayments on the mortgage are a non-negotiable for him and even reallocating the funds towards to the magical extension is a no. This must be done as a separate thing and while he can happily step up his "share" from his pay packet I can't guarantee it. And that he can't get his head round.

If this ends up being a bigger issue than I see it then there will have to be some big talks in the future I think.

Our house is at the top end of the pricing in our area already from the work that's been done

Quite apart from his horrible attitude, this is what really stuck out to me. There’s zero point in spending any more money on your current house if it’s already hit the market ceiling. If he’s so depressed by your current house, the obvious answer is to move.

I was you in the summer. DH banging on about this magical extension. Costs kept rising, he kept coming up with new plans with the builder and talking to the financial adviser about increasing the remortgage costs. I’m a SAHM and plan was for me to go back to work this autumn as good time with kids. Obviously this wasn’t going to happen. I felt so bullied into it, for so little benefit (to my mind) that I ended up up having a breakdown. Please don’t go ahead with something you dont want. I wish I’d pulled the plug earlier but my concerns were never heard, I’d hoped lockdown had put paid to it, but as soon as restrictions started to be lifted it was all on again and I wasn’t in the right headspace to clear my entire house to move into rented for 6 months. Original plan was small infill in the back - became whole house regutting.

i lost this argument and dh got his extension.
DH then got made redundant has now a lower paying job.
For me it has meant we have a mortgage lasting until I am 65 and have had no holidays for the last 5 years.
It hasnt improved my life and I now have three extra rooms to clean.

I used to be like your husband, constantly doing a project and planning the next one. I overpaid the mortgage and had a grand plan to retire at 55.I was obsessed and didn’t realise how much I was missing out on with my kids. I’ve been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and have had quite a reality check about what’s important. I’ve had a couple of cheap holidays with the kids and seen their delight. You sound worn out from it!! Stick to your guns.

@ChillPillRequired - it does sound a little like your DH thinks "if only we get the next thing we will be happy" There will always be something else you want - the trick is to be happy with what you have - I know that sounds a bit Mom and Apple Pie - but to some extent I think it is true . Also re the work colleague and extension - here's another platitude - envy is the thief of joy. Ah - I hope you work it out between you