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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick of patronising comments about living alone?

26 replies

Maria53 · 09/10/2020 21:47

I'm a 28 year old single woman and recently have friends making what I feel are patronising comments.

Friend 1: (totally unprompted) you must feel so alone 😦 it must be so hard.

Friend 2 (when I reply on Friday night after a long working week): oh it's nice to hear from you but you reply at such random times. Are you ok? It must be hard living alone right now.

Friend 2 is a freelance artist who isnt working a lot, whereas I am working all the hours god sends and more. I reply irregularly because I dont have the energy and because his messages are essays.

The truth is - it can be hard on my mental health sometimes but I see family and/or friends every week. I like living alone.

What is a good reply to close down these comments in future?

OP posts:
VaggieMight · 09/10/2020 21:56

When I was single and living on my own a friend who was married said "don't you get lonely?" I replied honestly and said the only times I've felt lonely in my life had been times when I had been in an unhappy relationship. Some people do pity single people. Personally, I pity people who can't be single or get lonely when they are. Your friends are projecting and being arseholes.

Ginfordinner · 09/10/2020 21:57

I don't think they mean to be patronising. I think they are projecting and their intentions are well meant..
Just say "I'm fine, please don't worry about me"

Sparklesocks · 09/10/2020 21:57

That’s annoying! Could you say something like ‘wow you must be obsessed with me living alone, you are always bringing it up!’ or more simply ‘it works for me! Better than writing pass agg notes to housemates when they haven’t done the washing up!’.

Brighterthansunflowers · 09/10/2020 21:59

They’re just trying to be supportive! They’re showing they care about you, like friends should. Just tell them you’re fine and happy being on your own and move the conversation along.

I get it, I live alone and I choose to spend Christmas alone (even in normal years) and people always feel sorry for me. But I just laugh it off and I’m grateful that people care enough about me to worry about me being alone.

Original poster
Maria53 · 09/10/2020 21:59

Friend 1 is 26 and has already lived with 3 men. She says she cant imagine living alone like I do. I have been single for the past year and sometimes it gets lonely but mainly it has been a blissful change.

Friend 2 is a single guy that lives with several other people. He is basically saying he cant imagine any other reason why I wouldnt reply other than if I was struggling due to loneliness!

I am actually starting to think he might have feelings for me as he just messages so much and I cant keep up with it.

OP posts:
JosiePyeTheOriginalMeanGirl · 09/10/2020 21:59

I'd probably keep it simple. "Yeah, I'm fine." "Doing great! How about you?" And just move on to something else. They'll probably get the message, soon enough.

Or you could spell it out more clearly. Or turn it on them. "How are you doing? It must be so hard never having any time alone! I don't know how you can stand it!"

Original poster
Maria53 · 09/10/2020 22:00

Maybe they are well intentioned. But I still find it patronising and difficult to hear.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 09/10/2020 22:01

Oh yes, I used to get these comments too. Truthfully, I loved living by myself and would usually say something along the lines of:
I do live by myself but I'm never alone
I can't say I've ever felt lonely
Ooh, don't worry about me, I love living by myself. No compromises/dirty socks/skiddy grundies etc.
Ooh, don't worry about me - I'm not one of those people who relies on someone else for anything
There's nothing as lonely as an unhappy relationship though, is there?
I'd rather be alone than unhappy (with thanks to Ms. Houston!)

Make the most of your current situation and do anything/everything you damn well want. I'm 44 now and often look back with yearning to my single living days!

Emeraldshamrock · 09/10/2020 22:02

They're probably concerned during these strange times.
I daydream about living alone. Bliss enjoy it Wine

AdoptAdaptImprove · 09/10/2020 22:04

Jeez, people are weird. When I was your age, I was living alone and having a whale of a time! I loved it, out with friends a lot, doing loads of brilliant things, and having relationships of distinctly variable length and wondrousness. I’ve never understood why anyone feels it’s such a disadvantage. After having been in shielding with my now-WFH husband, and neither of us still getting out and about, it’s looking like quite an attractive prospect right now.

Don’t hang out with people who make you feel badly about yourself. Friends don’t do that - friends support and bolster each other.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 09/10/2020 22:04

Agree with pp. I don't think they are being patronising.
You hear everywhere how big toll it takes on people living alone, how lonely thr5y feel, so they are most likely just checking up and trying to show some empathy.

Original poster
Maria53 · 09/10/2020 22:05

I don't like the expectations of friend 2 that I should be replying in a certain timeframe, ie the 'you reply at such random times.' Like what business is it of his what time I choose to reply?

A Friday night is a perfectly normal time to reply. That is the second time he has mentioned my odd replying times. Maybe he should provide me with a timetable.

OP posts:
museumum · 09/10/2020 22:06

Is it a COVID thing? I loved living alone at your age as my flat was refuge after a week out at work and many evenings with friends.
Now that were all working from h8me and limiting “mixing households” it would be a totally different prospect.

ToastyCrumpet · 09/10/2020 22:08

I actually think some people feel threatened by others who live in a different way to them. I had one friend who never let you forget that she was in a relationship. It was all ‘We think’ and ‘We like’. I don’t know if she could have functioned on her own. When I said I’d gone out for a pizza on my own one evening, she said ‘Poor you!’ And I thought ‘Why, for fuck’s sake?’ I still think this. If you haven’t learned how to live on your own, you’re going to find it VERY hard to leave a bad relationship.

Original poster
Maria53 · 09/10/2020 22:11

@ToastyCrumpet so funny to hear comments like that from people like us who are happy to function on our own.

I didn't even think of myself that way until about 5 years ago a friend said 'it's ok for you, you're happy in your own company.' I had never thought of that but realised it's true.

OP posts:
Emeraldshamrock · 09/10/2020 22:13

I don't like the expectations of friend 2 that I should be replying in a certain timeframe, ie the 'you reply at such random times.' Like what business is it of his what time I choose to reply?
She is probably just annoying like that no matter who you lived with.

Spiderbaby8 · 09/10/2020 22:14

I have lived alone but any negative comments didn't really bother me as I loved it and prefer it to sharing. If people make comments about being lonely I would just point out all the positives.

QueenOllie · 09/10/2020 22:17

@ToastyCrumpet definitely. I've lived alone always so maybe 14 years. I like the peace and quiet

Girlyracer · 09/10/2020 22:24

Don't think it's patronising. Your friends are concerned that during a worldwide pandemic, where normal social life is potentially severely restricted, you might be lonely. Given most humans are sociable creatures, they're simply coming at it from that perspective. No need to be offended.

Mintjulia · 09/10/2020 22:27

Are they just checking on you because of lockdown? That's kind, surely? But in general, I normally say "who said I was alone?" and leave it at that.

Living alone is fab - clean bathroom, no snoring, no ghastly in-laws, peace to read, sole control of the fridge and the TV remote. I can only imagine your friends are envious. Smile

2bazookas · 09/10/2020 22:51

why do you want to close down friends who mean well?

thevassal · 09/10/2020 22:53

I don't think it's patronising, particularly friend 1. It is hard living alone at the moment. DP works away for months at a time and in normal circumstances, as AdoptAdaptImprove said, living alone is amazing because you get the best of both worlds regarding choosing your own socialising. But at the moment, it's shit, because I can't go out and do anything, or see anyone. I have been on local lockdown for nearly a month, and working from home full time since March. None of my friends or family live in the same county so I can't see them. So I don't see anyone I know. At all. I don't speak face to face to anyone for days at a time. I haven't hugged or touched anyone for weeks. I don't go to a pub or restaurant because why would I want to sit there on my own? On top of that work expect you to cover for all the people who are shielding or have additional caring commitments so I'm stressed out and knackered.

It is utterly shit, and tbh I find it quite nice when people acknowledge that, because most of the time it is all about how hard it is with young children/older relatives etc. Which it is - it's not a competition, it's hard for everyone. When I talk with friends they acknowledge it must be hard for me on my own, and I acknowledge it must be hard for the single mum struggling for childcare, or the friend going through a breakup but being stuck with her partner in a lockdown.

Saying that, your updates about friend 2 do make him sound a bit strange - mentioning the times you reply at is a lot weirder than making a fairly innocuous comment about living alone.

If you want them to stop just turn it around on them. e.g. "Oh god no I would much rather be living alone than in a houseshare, I can't imagine how annoying it is for you being crammed in together with no space, feel so sorry for you." If they were just trying to be nice they will do the same and assure you they are fine (and maybe take the hint), if they were being a bit patronising they won't like having the tables turned on them!

iolaus · 09/10/2020 22:57

Are they just meaning because of covid (especially if in a local lockdown area)?

I imagine it would be a lot harder at the moment compared to normal (when at points it sounds wonderful)

roarfeckingroarr · 09/10/2020 23:34

I LOVED living alone. It was so wonderful. I can see why you find this annoying OP. Some people are needy and project onto you.

Titsywoo · 09/10/2020 23:43

[quote Maria53]@ToastyCrumpet so funny to hear comments like that from people like us who are happy to function on our own.

I didn't even think of myself that way until about 5 years ago a friend said 'it's ok for you, you're happy in your own company.' I had never thought of that but realised it's true.[/quote]
Shouldn't everyone be happy in their own company? I'm married but still love time to myself (so much so that I go on holiday on my own once a year!). I love my husband, kids and family/friends but I'm still my favourite person in the world Grin.

I'm sure your friends worry about you but if you have stated you are perfectly happy on your own and they still keep commenting then you should say something. It's just rude for them to talk to you like they feel sorry for you - especially since there is no reason for it!

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