Am I really as bad as they make out?

[ValleysGirl2]

Since my partner's mum died, I've picked up the slack. Literally all of it so that he can go off and plan the funeral, see his kids and ex wife, ferry his daughter wherever she wants to go at any time she wants because he's her dad. I've dealt with Social Services, a child protection conference, sorted out their nursery places, dealt with all the finances because he can't possibly do it. I've kept quiet when he's gone off to do stuff with his eldest son and left me with the kids. I've dealt with 2 poorly, screaming, not sleeping kids for almost 2 weeks... Hell for the last month I've been sleeping on the sofa or on the floor because my LB (8 months) hasn't gone through the night and has woken my LG (2) up so she's gone to bed with my partner and I've gone and slept on the floor downstairs so that he can get a good nights sleep knowing full well I'm not going to get any more sleep... at 2am. I've cooked, I've cleaned and i've kept my own s**t together so that the kids don't see it.

But that's not even all of it. My nan died 2 weeks ago and I found out on Facebook. No one told me. Then my partner's mum died who was more like a mother to me than my own family... But i've not had time to not be ok. I'm doing my best and i'm struggling now... but now I'm the bad guy because I can't be ok anymore. I'm the bad guy because I can't handle being pushed to one side and having everyone that was supposed to be my family ignoring me as well as my partner's family ignoring me. I've spent the entire time thinking of them... and now I need them to think of me, I'm the bad guy. I get he's got it bad and I know I should be supportive and I'm trying to... but when do I get to not be ok anymore?Am I really being that unreasonable to expect to be allowed to not be ok?

Let me guess, he was a selfish shit even before his mother died?

No, you’re not unreasonable. I’m sorry about your nan

He wasn't when I met him but it got to the point he'd only do stuff if I asked or putting me and the kids second to his older kids and ex wife...

Thank you x

You're not unreasonable. I'm sorry for your loss. You must be exhausted.

No you are absolutely not being unreasonable- you can't be expected to do everything. You need to take time for yourself to grieve. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

He's got used to it and now expects it and he doesn't want to acknowledge your grief because then he would have to help you. He's relying on your emphatic caring nature and is doing his best to guilt trip you. I would place good money on him manipulating things to his family to make sure they think you are not being supportive so he can be sure you won't get any support from them and instead will aid him in making you feel like you have no right to any empathy for your own situation. She was your mother in law and your childrena grandmother so you will be grieving for her too and feeling bad for your children. The only way to cope with how they are being is to think of yourself and by knowing that you have been supportive and now need to think of yourself. Everytime he plays the card you should say that you know how he feels because the woman who was like a mother to you just dies and also you grandmother and your mother in law. Then give him a quick hug while looking ready to cry and this will stop him being able to say you haven't given him support, but if he is the type of man I suspect then he won't want to risk having to comfort you and will instead retreat leaving you to be able to grieve quietly. It doesn't do any good to get yourself worked up and feel hurt by his lack of support because he won't like you bringing up the lack of support for you and will just moan that you are being selfish etc. Take care of yourself xxc

He is so playing on the fact of you being so caring and will never stop trying to use forms of guilt to get his own way. I know you will be hoping one day that he will realise how loving and caring you have been to him and to his older children, but he wont, especially when it will seem to him that not acknowledging the support and guilt tripping you is guaranteed to get him his own way. One way to make him see how good you've been is to act in the way that he and his family act like you've been. Next time he guilts you about his mother dying or tries to put his older children and ex's needs before you or your children by making out you are some kind of selfish jealous stepmother then refuse to give in. If he uses the mother dying card then you use the grandmother, surrogate mam and mother in law card and keep on counteracting his talk of his grief with how much you are grieving and how you also haven't had the support of him when you've needed. If he uses the wicked stepmother card then you point out how your own children need the support of their mother and state that they've been overlooked by their father many times and that you have to often make up to them for the absence of their own father and that you have had to deal with their upset about their dad paying more attention to his older children and that you have kept this from him so that he didn't feel torn many times but now you are making him aware so that he doesn't continue to make his younger children feel excluded. When he tries to turn this around to you attacking him and guilting him then act confused and say that you are telling him because you know he would want to know about how his younger children are feeling and that it's what they are feeling and he obviously cares about how his children feel because of how he has been making sure his older children feel loved and you are doing this to help him and is not about critisising him, it's about letting him know because he loves all his children and wouldn't deliberately make any of them feel left out. That will make it easy to shut up his arguments about being selfish and he would look selfish if he went ahead and tried to continue putting his older kids first and you will just look like a caring mother and partner who is ensuring her children feel loved and that the bond between them and their dad is strengthened. Your partner will probably still try and twist things but if you remain calm and deflect any claims of selfishness with how you are thinking of all the kids and your partner then he will soon give up. It's not nice for you but you deserve more from him and have no choice but to play him at his own game xx