When does it become inappropriate for a boy/girl to share a bedroom? *trigger warning MNHQ*

[pamperer]

So... I know the LEGAL age is 10 (I think) but I'm looking for more personal opinions on when you'd think it was inappropriate.

For background, my children are 3.5 (my boy) and 9 months (girl), and are going to share a bedroom, and I'm wondering how long that would be feasible.

A friend of mine shared with her brother until they were teenagers. When I was little, I shared with my brother, but my parents had a walk built to split the rooms when I was around 6 or 7.

I am guessing it depends if they have started feel ing self conscious about their changing bodies? I think sisters and brothers may not want to dress in front of each other

I would say 6-8 but I would only have kids share if there was absolutely no other choice regardless.

I presume abuse can happen whether kids share or not so I am not saying I would not let kids share due to abuse it is just unless siblings are desperate to share the default for me is sperate bedrooms to start

We split ours up at 8 and 9. I would have kept them together longer if space had been an issue. They'll still share a bed for example in a hotel if needed.

My guideline was until one started asking for it. They actually didn't ever ask but we had a house move so it was convenient timing and we pushed how great it would be on them a bit.

And as a completely opposite approach, we had them share despite the fact we've always had a spare room. For us it was much easier in the early years to have them in one room plus I liked having a dedicated guest room. My two are very close in age though.

I had to temporarily share my brother's bedroom when I was 15 (they are younger 13 and 11). ((My room had to be redone). A complete nightmare, especially for homework. I had to bully them to go to sleep. It also depends on who is the oldest and the age gap. Preteen would be the limit for me. Strangely enough, I would not put a toddler and a baby in the same room. I recall my midwife telling us her trip to the A and E because her eldest poured his entire collection of hotwheels cars on the baby's heas as "a gift". Not cool. Toddlers are too unpredictible.

Mine don't share a room, but if they did I would be looking to stop it about now as DD is preferring to shower and change in private. She's about to turn 8.

I think it comes down to practicalities. As long as I had the room I’d always give siblings their own room (regardless of gender) but sadly not everyone has that option. Very sad to hear from those posters who experienced abuse at home. Very worrying.

My daughters started developing breasts at 9 so I would have said 8 would have been the latest I'd really have thought it appropriate for them to share with a brother.

Puberty for boys starts on average at 12 but can be as early as 8. So, ideally, I'd say have separate rooms available by the time the boy is 7. But if that's difficult, then you'll probably be okay until he's 12.

There's also the non-opposite sex issues in sharing rooms. My twin girls shared (and wanted to) when they were young but by the time they were 7 they wanted their own rooms and they were much happier for getting them.

A friend’s children shared until they were 12 and 13. They were happy. She has two boys and two girls so they could have shared with older siblings of the same sex but this is the way it worked best for them.

OP i think you'll know when the time comes and it won't be long before they become body aware
Also they'll start niggling each other

I shared with my brother until I was about 6 so he would have been 8. That was a nice age to split.

My sil had to share with hers periodically (staying at grandparents but at least weekly) until she was 12/13 and they were 15. She hated it.

My dds shared a room until they were 10 and the niggles turned into fights and they asked to move. They do have sleep overs with each other sometimes and snuggle up like baby chimps.

I would say the same age as of which they're expected to no longer use toilets or changing facilities that are designed for the sex opposite of their own.
That's from 8 or 9 years old if I'm not mistaken.

Inappropriate? never. A nightmare on a daily basis, in their early teens, especially if tidiness and friends over is involved.

I have 3 DC, 2 DSs , one DD, at home they have their own room, on holidays in hotel or visiting family they share a room. Age 13-17. No problem at all, expect DS2 dirty socks (he has 2 feet, but manages to spread 8 pairs of socks daily on every surface)

I’d say from about 8/9 years on they need separate rooms

@Allington that came across really badly, dismissive.

I have no idea about the prevalence of such abuse but one child is too many and it sounds like more should be said about this and how to avoid it. I only have a sister and DDs. My two share but are scared to be alone so would choose to stay together even if we extend or move. Being two girls I suspect age 12/13 is when they will really need privacy and ask for it, but other kids may need it sooner.

My DDs, three girls, shared one room until they left home for university.

I'd think by about the time the oldest starts junior school which is 7 or 8 where I live.

How could there be a legal age?! Would it be against the law to not buy a bigger house once on of your kids was 10

Yes, one child is one too many.

But the answer to preventing abuse is not to set an arbitrary age for brothers and sisters to stop sharing a room. To suggest it is an answer takes attention away from things that do help to protect children.

Posting as a survivor of sexual abuse (not by my brother), and someone working in safeguarding.

It's like saying the leading cause of house fires is cooking appliances (apparently, I've just looked it up).

House fires are more common than is generally believed.

So the answer is to avoid having cooking appliances in your house.

Whereas house fires - even if more common than generally believed - are not the norm, and the answer is installing and using cooking appliances taking sensible precautions.

I don't think room sharing for kids of the same sex is a great idea either, though of course I realise that some families have no option.

My experience and observation is that boys sharing can experiment sexually - my boys (4 and 1) are very interested in touching each other's penises and, while I think it is pretty innocent at their ages, I wouldn't want them to share a room.

I also think that sisters during puberty can often be quite nasty to each other in a way that can sometimes cross the line into bullying or abuse.

When I was a teenager, I hated changing in front of other girls because they were prone to making derogatory comments about my body hair etc.

I am not sure that different sexes is the only thing to think about, basically. And I also think it's naive to rely on separate bedrooms as avoiding abuse, unless you never leave your teenagers alone.

@Allington

I speak as someone whose abuser went on to work safeguarding, and as someone whose abusers wife works in safeguarding, and have worked in the area myself.

Lots of people work in safeguarding. Lots of abusers and their enablers do too. You using it as a badge of authority and to shut me up means nothing. Except that you've a shitload in common with my abuser.

FWIW, I suggested it's an issue to be aware of,not that it's the absolute reason behind recommendations for sex segregated bedrooms. You seem determined to ignore that and then basically excuse, dismiss and minimise the experiences of me and other posters, and you sound like him and his wife. So DFOD :)

You used your experience of abuse to claim expertise. So can I. Your experience of abuse doesn't trump mine (you have chosen to focus on my work rather than my experience of abuse). You are doing exactly what you claim I am doing.

You suggested the age of 9 as a cut off because that is when your brother started abusing you - which is not very relevant to the question asked. Your experience is your experience, it is not a universal truth.

I grew up really poor in a different country, so we had no social housing or anything. I shared with my brother and sister until I was 18. Bro was 19 and sister 13.

They would leave the room when I asked if I was changing. Even my sister, but that was just because I wanted some space.

As for inappropriateness, my brother used to think it was funny to walk in from a bath, whip his towel off and do a jig when he was like 10 or 11 (and sometimes to this day, because he's a flipping child). No harm done, I would like to emphasise, psychologically speaking. Assuming your own son will become inappropriate to a sibling at a certain age just because, is a little disturbing. I know it happens but it's not a regular, everyday occurrence. It's also not something normal people do.

The issue was really personal space, I could never really be alone and chill. So if you have space, let them have their own rooms when it feels right for you and them.
I also really love my sibs and we have a great relationship, so it's reqlly different for everyone.