Is my DH being unreasonable

[tattyteddy]

Help please... I think my DH is being really unreasonable but could do with some perspective. It’s my DH, me, Dd(8) and Ds(4) in the home.

A few examples: my DH was getting ready to put the children In the bath yesterday. One of the children either accidentally or on purpose put a pack of baby wipes in the bath. I was downstairs and still working downstairs. All I heard was a really big yell, I’m sure the neighbours heard. I ran upstairs to see what had happened and got really annoyed at DH and told him to leave the bathroom.

Today DS accidentally hurt DH eye with a toy, again lots of shouting and yelling. DH will sort himself out for a few hours but then he just reverts back. It’s really stressing me out and I’m not saying I’m perfect Or that the children are, however, feel like DH has no perspective. Thanks

Hard to say without hearing it. Was it a scary roar? Or just a general yell? Obviously all of us wish we wouldn't shout at our kids and some manage not to, but for the rest of us mere mortals it happens... 🤷‍♀️

What's was the children's reaction? When I grumpily yell my DC are fairly indifferent. When I scream at them (which has happened a couple of times when I've been under a lot of stress and it's horrible) they were genuinely afraid and burst into tears.

If it's the former I'd give your DH a break, if it's the latter then I'd find out what's going on with him and tell him he has to find some coping strategies.

I don’t really understand? He let out a yell when something that shouldn’t be in the bath was thrown in the bath. He yelled when his eye was injured.

Maybe the wipes was an overreaction but ONE yell could surely be down to surprise.

As you don’t mention your kids I assume they didn’t have a scared reaction or something? This almost reads like you’re trying to build a case against him for completely normal behaviour

Putting wipes in the bath warrants a telling off. DH yelling loudly is an overreaction but men do tend to be louder.

You then getting cross at him and telling him to leave undermines him a bit & teaches them that anything they do wrong when it’s just them and him results in you telling him off.

I would yell pretty loudly if a toy hurt my eye!

Depends. Define lots of shouting and yelling.

Teenage DS hurt me the other day by throwing something carelessly. It caught me off guard, it hurt, and he had been warned previously that that action was an accident waiting to happen. I shouted at him. There may even have been a loud swear. Everyone seemed to find my reaction reasonable.

More context needed on your DH.

@tattyteddy you coming back?

Sounds like situation normal to me

Sorry I haven’t come back until now. That was just two examples and there are many more. I am genuinely worried what our neighbours think.

The Younger child does get subdued when there is shouting and will get tearful. I feel the shouting/yelling that encourage the children to behave the same way.

I worry that I shout and yell at my children too much but sometimes I really don’t know what other reactions people have when their children do something particularly annoying/naughty/whatever you want to call it. Plus what happens when you ask nicely five times and they just ignore you? Mine only bother to respond if I yell.

What are you doing differently to your husband and how does it work?

Depends how loud the shouting is and what he says to them?

I will shout at them now again but it’s certainly not everyday. I think I say that if they don’t stop then they will be going to their rooms, or no screen time tomorrow etc. I sometimes feel like I’m walking on eggshells trying to keep everyone calm.

Also wanted to say when he shouts/yells it can sometimes make me jump.

I hear you OP. I hate yelling around DD - but she is only ten months old. My DH has a habit of being very expressive, so will get exasperated if she whacks him in the face or kicks him, but she's only a baby so she doesn't know what she's doing. In general, when his resilience is low he struggles to control his reactions and if, for example, he trips over a cat food bowl or the cat claws him (the cats are old and need their nails trimmed so it's pretty painful if they do) or if DD spits up on the bed after a bottle and his resilience is low he can sound irritated or exasperated or in general fed up. He doesn't yell at anyone but he does sometimes exclaim loudly. I hate it because I don't want her to think we show frustration with her or have negative emotions around her. We are both a little unreasonable (him and I) ion the matter because there will be occasions where emotions are negative (especially when she whacks you in the eye as she's rolling over) but he needs to practice self care to keep his resilience up. No one in the house is deliberately annoying to anyone else even if sometimes it may feel that way.
Is your husband run down or suffering generally? Are you? Are you both coping well?

We have both been working from home since March on and off so do feel sometimes on top of each other. At the beginning when the children were at home all the time the stress of it was awful. It’s more manageable now the children are at school.