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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What does the concept of love mean in your relationship?

20 replies

Alexabunty · 08/10/2020 20:15

Is true love only something you can feel for children and animals? That deeply protective, throw-yourself-in-front-of-the-bus-to-save-them kind of love that's entirely unconditional and pure?

Do you love your DH/partner in the same way? Or do we confuse affection and attachment with the word "love" when it comes to adult partners?

My feelings for DH are not unconditional and perhaps I wouldn't leap in front of him to protect him in the same way I would for our nephews or DDog. I would however risk personal injury to protect my parents for example, so perhaps that's an example of a more pure love between adult humans?

Is the strength of your love for your parents and your DH different?

OP posts:

ToastyFingers · 08/10/2020 20:50

I love my DH more than my parents and infinitely more than pets. It's a different love than I feel for our children as it isn't fierce or protective.

lazylinguist · 08/10/2020 20:56

I sometimes think that the 'throw yourself under a bus' kind of love comes from a kind of inequality (not necessarilyin a bad way). A feeling either that you are not as important as the other person (maybe in a romantic relationship) or that you are responsible for them (e.g. as a parent). I don't exactly feel like that with dh, however much I live him, because we are equal. But I do feel like that about my children.

Frazzled13 · 08/10/2020 21:04

I could never love an animal in the way you describe.
I love DD in a different, more unconditional way, and would sacrifice DH for her (as he would sacrifice me for her). But I wouldn’t describe the love for DH as “affection and attachment”. I mean, affection and attachment are involved of course, I’m not unattached or unaffectionate, but there’s much more to it.

User4152790 · 08/10/2020 21:06

I would sacrifice myself in a heartbeat to save my husband, and I believe he would do the same for me.

baubled · 08/10/2020 21:07

In all honesty I would probably push my DP in front of a bus rather than jump in front of one for him

baubled · 08/10/2020 21:08

My DS on the other hand I would do absolutely anything to save him, no limits

Lindtnotlint · 08/10/2020 21:08

If the bus was coming and he couldn’t get out of the way I would probably jump in there with him just for one last hug.

(Except I wouldn’t, because I would feel morally bound to stay alive for the kids.)

PurpleFlower1983 · 08/10/2020 21:11

I would also sacrifice my life for my husband’s and I know he would do the same for me. We would of course both do that for DD also.

PinkAndFabulous · 08/10/2020 22:34

I would die for DP. He is my everything. My love for him goes beyond words and we both have never felt such a deep connection with another person. He brings so much joy.
My love for my family and children is different but of course the love is still there for them. Just with DP, it is different.

lovepickledlimes · 08/10/2020 23:29

I love both my fiancé and my dm. He is my priority as we have no children yet. He is the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. Once we have children both of us would see them as a priority.

I deeply care about my mum and will forever be grateful but she is part of my old family and my fiancé will be part of my new one so priorities change

BeachCheese · 09/10/2020 08:16

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request

SharpLily · 09/10/2020 08:26

My love for my husband is very different to my love for my children but no less fierce. It’s certainly not about‘ affection and attachment’ and any love for parents, nephews and nieces, brothers and sisters etc. doesn’t come anywhere near what we feel for each other. We’d both take a bullet for our children in a heartbeat but we also would for each other.

firstimemamma · 09/10/2020 08:33

I love my fiancé very intensely and passionately and can't wait to marry him. I adore him and am truly in love for him. We'd do anything for each other.

However it doesn't come anywhere near the love I have for our ds. It's unconditional and truly the strongest and deepest form of love there is. I will always love ds more than anyone else in the world (this will obviously only ever change once we have more children in which case they'd of course be loved equally to ds).

Motherly love is an amazing and indescribable thing.

yelyah22 · 09/10/2020 09:26

I love my OH fiercely protectively, although that is more to do with various life things than just generally how I view romantic love. The love we have for each other is based on a very deep understanding of who each other is, and while I would sacrifice myself for him in the blink of an eye, he would argue that I shouldn't (because of health stuff). But he would do for me in a heartbeat. It's not unconditional, but I don't think that's healthy in a romantic relationship.

We don't have children, nor plan to, so that plus the fierce, so much so it makes my heart hurt, love I have for our idiot cats is my (beautiful) lot.

My sister I would throw myself under any bus for, without question. I would say the love I have for her is the closest to unconditional.

Sapiophile · 09/10/2020 09:36

perhaps I wouldn't leap in front of him to protect him in the same way I would for our nephews or DDog.

If I came further down the pecking order in my DH's affections than his nephews or the dog, I'd think there was a significant issue.

Throwing your partner under a bus to save your children is a matter of instinct, and one of the unifying forces in joint parenthood is that both parents will generally unhesitatingly agree to this. But for extended family, even if children, and pets? Not normal for me.

SurreyHillsGirl · 09/10/2020 10:03

I love my DH fiercely, deeply and infinitely, it is a love I have never felt for anybody or anything before. It took me 44 years to feel that way! I would jump in front of a bus to save him and I know he would do the same for me. It is not an unconditional love though. If he did something heinous to me, I would no longer be prepared to jump in front of that bus!

I love my dogs unconditionally, it's a very pure love and they can do anything and I would still love them. I look at them and can't quite believe how ridiculously gorgeous they are

No children and I don't want any! I'm still able to feel 'deep' love though despite not having kids and i totally resent it when mothers assert that they have the monopoly on this!

Kolsch · 09/10/2020 10:08

I wouldn't throw myself under a bus to save my husband.
I would be too busy claiming the life insurance.

GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 09/10/2020 10:29

I have never felt love as fierce as the love I have for my ds, it's unconditional for now. If he murdered someone or raped someone it may become somewhat more conditional.

My DP, I love him but it's companionship more than anything else. He's my comfort zone. I'm actually quite content with our relationship but I wouldn't throw myself under a bus for him.

TheVamoosh · 09/10/2020 10:32

Is true love only something you can feel for children and animals?

I love my children more than anyone or anything in the world. I could never feel that way about an animal.

Do you love your DH/partner in the same way?

Pretty similar. He doesn't need my protection in the way that our children do so I guess that's the main difference. He's definitely without a doubt the most important adult person in my life, above my parents and siblings.

Is the strength of your love for your parents and your DH different?

Yes, he is more important and I love him more. I'm sure my parents wouldn't have it any other way. Normally, you lose your parents as an adult and that's something you have to expect and be able to cope with.

AnnaFour · 09/10/2020 10:39

@PinkAndFabulous

I would die for DP. He is my everything. My love for him goes beyond words and we both have never felt such a deep connection with another person. He brings so much joy. My love for my family and children is different but of course the love is still there for them. Just with DP, it is different.

No criticism i’m just really interested - do you mean by that you’d die for your partner but not your kids or parents?

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