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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Be upset with my family

31 replies

Nokita · 08/10/2020 19:28

Me and my partner are from different countries and both our families live there. We live in uk with our newborn and wondering where to do his christening (this is important for both families).
We don’t want to do in uk as we don’t have anyone here, and between Both countries we thought was best to do it in partner country as its the first baby in his family and the great grandparents cannot travel. My family has already 5 children and everyone can travel.
I shared this idea with my family and no one supported or was against, but my mum later told me that my sisters and brothers in law all said that if we go ahead no one will attend. They will only if it’s in my home country or in uk. This made me really sad and at the same time made reinforce the initial plan, feeling that if they don’t want to make the effort they don’t deserve to be present on that day.
Would you keep the plan or change it?

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 08/10/2020 19:33

With 3 countries and COVID involved I would decide what YOU want to do. And don't take it personally if people cannot attend.

SleepingStandingUp · 08/10/2020 19:34

I think it depends on the countries.

If you live here and your family are in France but your partners famy live in Australia, that's obv a huge ask for a christening.

Or if flights are really expensive and they've all got kids to pay for.

Will it be in term time? Will it be a fly in, christen the baby and go home or are you expecting them to stay for a few days?
Are they expected to cover flights, accomodation etc for a place that isn't very "touristy" to visit so they'll basically be stuck in a hotel?
When will this be given all the current restrictions?

tobedtoMNandfart · 08/10/2020 19:34

In the current climate YABU to expect 2 extended families to travel to other countries for a christening.

KrisAkabusi · 08/10/2020 19:36

You can't expect people to travel to a third country. To visit you in the UK, maybe, but not to go somewhere else.

YABU.

pictish · 08/10/2020 19:39

I think yabu. I wouldn’t fly to a country I didn’t want to visit for a christening.

Backofthenewt · 08/10/2020 19:43

If you want both sides to attend and they're in different countries then the best thing to do would be have it in your own country.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/10/2020 19:46

I wouldn't travel 50 miles for a christening, never mind another country. YABU. Just have it where you want to and live with the consequences.

Twickerhun · 08/10/2020 19:46

Can you live stream it?

LadyFannyButton · 08/10/2020 20:32

@Backofthenewt

If you want both sides to attend and they're in different countries then the best thing to do would be have it in your own country.
This. I imagine your sisters feel slighted that you’ve chosen to go to DH home country.
CalmdownJanet · 08/10/2020 20:37

Not a hope on hell would I travel abroad for a christening!! Even if there was no pandemic. You cannot expect people to do that sorry yabu

Leaannb · 08/10/2020 20:40

I would laugh in somone's face if they asked me to travel internationally for a Christening before Covid. Asking now is extremely ridiculous...Do you really expect people to travel for a 30 minute ceremony and a dinner?

HerNameWasEliza · 08/10/2020 20:53

Not everyone can afford to travel abroad easily so many people would not consider a christening a good enough reason to give up whatever they'd need to to travel. This is just the cost of living abroad unfortunately. If it bothers you, can you have 2 christenings in 2 countries? Even if one is formal and the other is a blessing with celebration?

BigFiveMama · 08/10/2020 20:54

Travel restrictions aside I think that expecting your whole family to travel to a foreign country for christening is unrealistic. Would they be able to understand the language the service is held in?
Our youngest child was christened with none of the close family present. Godparents were his oldest brother and a distant cousin who happened to live in the same country at the same time. This is the baptism that I'll remember very fondly as the priest has made it very special. It's the ceremony and the reason for it that are important and as much I would love to have all the family present, sometimes it's not very practical to do so.

lovepickledlimes · 08/10/2020 20:56

@LadyFannyButton I agree somewhat but by the sounds the OP saying everyone in her family are able to travel does suggest that there might be people on DH's side that can't

HerNameWasEliza · 08/10/2020 21:05

Even if they're able to travel they may not be able to afford it or get the time off work. I think it is always a big ask to expect family to travel abroad and you should never expect it. No harm in asking of course, but you need to accept the answer with good grace.

OP, have they given reasons as to why they don't feel able to go?

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow · 08/10/2020 21:05

Do it where you want, ask if you can live stream it.

picklemewalnuts · 08/10/2020 21:24

You should have a christening in the church you will be attending with your baby. The congregation are the people who will support you and your baby as they grow.

Original poster
Nokita · 08/10/2020 22:32

It wouldn't happen now off course, wouldn't travel with the baby in this times or ask anyone to do it. If things are better we thought on summer time or beginning of the next autumn.
The ceremony is something really important for both families, I understand that for some people is just a regular ceremony and a dinner but for us is much more than that.
Countries are within Europe and they would not pay for accommodation or food, but yes the flights.
I think that what is bothering me most is that they haven't said anything to my face when I drop the ideia (was not an invitation) and that they are in a will to come to UK but not to my partner country. Flights price is really similar and in terms of language spoken in the ceremony, a part of my 2 older nephews no one speaks or understands English so having the ceremony in another language would be the same.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 09/10/2020 07:19

Flights price is really similar and in terms of language spoken in the ceremony, a part of my 2 older nephews no one speaks or understands English so having the ceremony in another language would be the same.

I would have assumed them being okay with traveling to the UK was more about thinking the flights would be worth it because they could make a holiday they wanted out of it, whereas they aren’t so interested in going to your DH’s family’s home for a holiday.

I know this is an important ceremony for you, but unless your family is exceptionally well off I don’t think you can reasonably expect family to travel to another country to be a guest at a ceremony (even if you are well off, asking this is still a big ask). You say it’s really important to your family, but if your siblings aren’t prepared to do that, it’s clearly not as important to your whole family as you assume.

lyralalala · 09/10/2020 07:38

Could you speak to the church in your country and ask about a blessing? That's what friends of ours did as they both came from very religious families, but couldn't ask the families to travel (One from Aus, one from USA and they lived in the UK). They had the child christened in one country and then had a blessing in the other. For their second child they reversed it round.

That said if your family will travel to the UK and your DH's country is equal in terms of expense and distance then is it because it's your DH's country they won't go? Because you've picked his over yours? If so that would annoy me because it's a bit petty especially given his GPs can't travel.

SharpLily · 09/10/2020 07:54

Oh dear, this is awkward. You’re never going to be able to please everyone in this situation so probably best to focus on what suits you. You say the christening is important to both sides of the family - well if it is that important to them they’ll accept they’ll have to travel. The fact is that if you do it in either home country, the other side of the family is going to be inconvenienced and feel slighted. The only way to avoid favoritism would be to do it where you live so they can all moan equally.

Florencex · 09/10/2020 07:57

I am with your family, I would not fly overseas for a christening and I especially wouldn’t at the moment.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/10/2020 09:39

Yeah Def sounds like they just don't want to go on holiday to your partner's homeland. Be honest op, where it is, would you spend hundreds willingly to go for fun? How God is the infrastructure, is one more ""developed"" than the other?
I agree with others, Christening should be in the church you attend with your friends and whoever wants to travel. Those that can't can Skype or film it and take it over with you to visit. Surely the important thing is that she's christened into the faith and God's protection, not that they're there to witness it

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 09/10/2020 10:18

Rather than expecting loads of people to travel to you, I'd just do it twice, once in his country and once in yours (if that's not possible eg like you cant get married twice, then I'd have a blessing or party in the second one). It doesn't sound like that big a deal to them, if they wouldn't attend

lyralalala · 09/10/2020 10:21

@Florencex

I am with your family, I would not fly overseas for a christening and I especially wouldn’t at the moment.
They are happy to fly overseas though. Just not to the DH's country.
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