Being told what to do

[LowSwing]

I must admit writing this makes me feel like I'm back in bloody kindergarten.

Friend 1 (F1) has just DMd a group of us saying "can you remove Friend 2 (F2) from all SM platforms". Nothing else.

F2 is married to F1's DB. F2 has confided in me for just over 2 years re: varied and various abuse F2 has endured from 'D'H and DHFamily.

F2 has been getting ducks in a row in order to initiate divorce. 'D'H was initially being amicable "because of the DC", and slyly put in a divorce petition citing unreasonable behaviour - calling F2 "mentally unstable" etc etc.

Abuse ramped up in spades over lockdown (he's been tracking her, he installed listening devices, he's brought OW (plural) back to their home, police involvement). Young DC (x 2) are scared of their 'D'F. They are now in the early stages of divorce (F2 & 'D'H), living in the same house, and it's horrific. F2 has been advised to remain in the marital home ('D'HFam are trying to get F2 out, render F2 homeless, and by doing that, remove the DC).

AIBU to ignore F1's request? I am loath to be told what to do having been through DA divorce myself, also F1 and I had a major falling out years ago which F2 supported me through. That's when I realised F1 is inherently toxic, as is F1Family.

Bit of relevant history: F1 married, controlled, emigrated, abused, bore child and then divorced her XH leaving him with nothing, in a country he doesn't originate from. F1 has said in divorce settlement if XH sets foot outside this country, he will never see DC again.

Perhaps not quite an AIBU, more of a WWYD? I would love to call F1 out on this, but the repercussions for F2 could be catastrophic. F1 doesn't know we are friends.

Just ignore F1, you don’t have to follow orders from anyone.

How was it ever part of the divorce settlement that if F1’s husband ever leaves the country he won’t see his children again? That’s not something that’s legally enforceable.

And why are you friends with F1 when you clearly hate her?

I don’t know why on earth you would remain friendly with ‘D’ F1 in the first place.

It’s not up to your other friend. Decide for yourself.

Ignore her and continue to support your friend
I'd probably wait a few months then delete F1

Personally I'd cut F1 from all sm platforms. If you can't do that can you make your friends' lists private?

Well F1 sounds like a total bitch, along with the rest of her family. I would just delete F1 and support F2.
F1 isn't a friend,, you can't even be honest with her about your other friends. What does she bring to your life except pain and drama?

Thanks all - friends lists are private. I knocked F1 off SM a while back actually, I realise it is only within the last year she re-requested and I accepted. I've just gone back through messenger and we didn't talk from when I had DC2 (2012) until 2018.

I guess I'm too close as having been through it myself - in particular having received all sorts of nastiness from my own XHFam, it's bringing back memories I would rather forget.

@User4152790 - you're right it isn't legally enforceable, but if he declines EOW and once a week in a weekday contact he forfeits the relationship with his DC. F1 put clauses in the contact order. He therefore wouldn't have the time to go to his country of origin - it's thousands of miles away by air.

@Rosebel - you are so right. Nothing. I learnt that the hard way. We grew up together both despising our DM's, we had a lot in common. I married an abuser, she became the abuser. If I didn't jump when she clicked she was no longer my DF. Her DM was awful, so spiteful towards me, to my face. Her DB pranked me and made me extremely vulnerable at a really difficult (awkward teenager) time of my life. It was highly stressful, highly toxic, but I didn't have the knowledge like I have now to see it for what it was. I guess it's why me and F2 get on so well - we are both victims of the same family.

The only thing you’re being unreasonable about is being ‘friends’ with F1. What do you like about her?

@anonnnnni

I don’t know why on earth you would remain friendly with ‘D’ F1 in the first place.

I was thinking the same.

@anonnnnni & @SoUtterlyGroundDown - it's no longer a friendship. You're right. Years ago I thought I could fix people. I can't. I'm not responsible for other people's behaviour. It's taken a lot of therapy for me to get to this point. Seems like I should do some clearing out of old habits ("friend"ships).

F1 can fuck right off. Bossy, controlling so-and-so!

F2 needs you now.

As F1 does not know you’re friends with F2, it is quite off for F1 to message you asking you remove F2 from all social media.

If you’re “friends” With both on FB, I’d suggest restricting what F1 can see in your posts, so she never sees any of your posts or comments. This way you can see F1 posts and possibly be able to share any potentially incriminating information about F1 to F2 should she need anything.

As regards the message from F1 asking you to remove F2, just ignore the message.

I actually remember years back F1 told F2 and DB to knock me off their SM lists. Neither of them did, they got in touch with me to say what she'd asked them to do, and they just ignored her. At the time, F1 DB was a conscientious objector of his DFam. Sadly the toxic family have managed to manipulate him now, and isolate F2. It's utterly tragic. F2 isn't originally from UK and feels desperately isolated. F1 request is to further this isolation. I don't know how I can help F2 other than to be at the end of the phone / text / email.

You don’t need to anything dramatic, just quietly and gently disengage from F1, without badmouthing her to anyone or otherwise getting involved in any drama.

if he declines EOW and once a week in a weekday contact he forfeits the relationship with his DC.

This doesn't actually sound legally possible. Are you believing everything that you are being told without thinking it through. Imagine a Judge sitting in court agreeing that a man going abroad to see his family would therefore forfeit any relationship with his own children. Men who are convicted of domestic abuse are given contact as it is "in the child's interests" so a man going abroad for a month would certainly not be banned from his children.

Friend 1 (F1) has just DMd a group of us saying "can you remove Friend 2 (F2) from all SM platforms". Nothing else.

The adult and mature response would be to quietly ignore this request.

Mine would be to send a message saying "no, I can't, but I can remove you". Don't do this. But I would.

Friend 1 doesn't really sound like a friend to anyone. I hope F2 is OK, sounds like an horrific situation to be in, I would be terrified living in the house with that man

Of course you don’t have to do as F1 says, I don’t even understand why you are asking. I would be unfriending F1 tbh.

It goes without saying that you ignore F1's request the question is whether you confront F1 about her unreasonable behaviour towards F2.

It seems bizzare anyway that F1 would post this on a general group with no background and no one would question what the hell she was thinking.

@unmarkedbythat - I would so love to do this. To pull F1 up on her demand. Who does she think she is?! But you're right. I won't.

@AryaStarkWolf - I agree it's terrifying. We spoke this morning and she isn't in a good place. She had a 20minute window to talk whilst she was driving somewhere. She's said she will try and call again later but that she doesn't know who she can trust anymore.

@HandfulofDust It seems bizzare anyway that F1 would post this on a general group with no background and no one would question what the hell she was thinking.

I agree. I almost want to respond "in these times of female solidarity and the simple fact that there are always two sides to every story, I choose not to do what you ask of me." It upsets / disappoints me that F1 thinks she can manipulate others - two of whom have already kowtowed to her demands.