Putting relationship on hold for Cv19

[CV19dilemna]

Been seeing a guy for 3mths. Old flame rekindled. Very much worked it around his carer responsibilities for his mum. He lives with her after a relationship break down and has ended up the default carer after a sudden change in her health.

Long term not sure about us tbh but we’ve been having some fun and got into a pattern of seeing each other a couple of times a week. We’ve both developed feelings for each other.

When I visit I’ve met his mum but stayed away, in other rooms,due to SD. She was shielding.

His other siblings have become aware of my visits and gone mad at him. For now I’m seen as just a friend to his family. Going through a separation. Living in same household. It’s complicated. Covid hasn’t helped with housing situation. I suspect his siblings suspect it’s more than friends.

Regardless though they have told him he is to have no one in the house. Not even his best friend. Don’t want him socialising and doing his hobbies. Literally work and home only. They really don’t realise the impact the first lockdown had on his mental health- so isolating, lost a job as prioritised his mums shielding over returning to work. It’s ok for them to visit despite having children in schools and them all working.

Tbh Even before this we were having conversations about how his life was on hold due to caring for his mum yet his siblings were able to do whatever they wanted, provide minimal care themselves and how he wanted to move out but felt he couldn’t.

Obviously this is more than about COVID and with Covid they are clearly scared for their mum.

I’ve said I understand. But AIBU to think walk away.

I don’t particularly think the situation is one that you ought to walk away from but I think the guy should stand up to his siblings. I think it is up to you whether you want to walk away or not.

Shielding is currently paused, but not having people inside the home of an exceptionally vulnerable person is a reasonable precaution. His family are NBU

They all need to have a proper contagation control plan around her (for use either now if extra local restrictions in force, or ready to go if cases rise in her area). He may need to curtail his riskier activities, or he needs to move out. If his DMum needs care, then the family need to work out how it can be provided in a sufficiently safe manner. But when they really start looking at it, keeping him in situ (with low risk leisure) might be the safest.

You'll just have to find another venue.

And you can't do this for him, and I think it would be wrong to push him in to it before he decides himself to make changes. But you could encourage him by having conversations designed to get him to think about what his future might look like.

But of course then you become his therapist not his lover. And as you are in such muddled circumstances yourself, frankly I'm not sure you are at the right point to take that role.

It would be the fact that he’s letting his siblings dictate his life that would make me wonder about the future; even in the future when (hopefully) covid is less of a worry and that’s pretty far off then what if his siblings insist that he can’t move on with life while caring for his mum?

In Scotland this wouldn’t be allowed anyway as we are not allowed in other people’s homes.

I think the siblings are being unreasonable by not thinking about the risk they bring to the mothers house. The responsible thing would be for them to stay away.

I think it would make sense for you to keep meeting him if you like him, somewhere else. It sounds though, like you need to take it very slowly. Dating in covid is tough, but it does give you the time and space to think things through.

AuntieStella You’ve pretty much summed up what I’ve been thinking and doing. ESP the lover/therapist cross over thinking!

He’s got to make his decisions and stand up for himself. He’s very loyal to his family which is honourable and admirable but his siblings are the more dominant ones.

They literally don’t want him seeing anyone socially at home or otherwise.

They can’t say that if they are also going into her house after being in contact with other people. He needs to have a word with them!

what if his siblings insist that he can’t move on with life while caring for his mum?

This is pretty much what they have been doing by default with lack of action. If it was my siblings in this situation I’d hope I’d be encouraging them to prioritise their longer term happiness instead of relying on what’s easier and more comfortable for me.

He’s asserted himself a bit but it’s fallen on deaf ears. Short of him literally bringing it to crisis point by announcing a move out they are happy to ignore his needs.

I think so early in the relationship this really needs to be something he works out for himself. It does seem like a lot of responsibility for your partner to basically stop his entire life to care for his mum while his siblings shoulder absolutely none of the burden. It does have to be up to him though if/how he stands up to his siblings and what decision he makes.

I do think it sounds a bit like you're having to creep about like naughty teenagers though. Why shouldn't he be able to be upfront with his siblings that you two are in an early relationship?

He did say technically it’s fine and legal. You are allowed to see people you are in a relationship and that’s what we have but I didn’t want to get into all that with them without talking to you. We aren’t at a point where we wanted to disclose all that tbh. We wanted to see how it all developed slowly without the added pressures and complications. There were a few other concerns I had of my own. It was definitely a let time tell situation.

I certainly don’t want to be with a man who can’t stand up for himself. I’m always the more naturally dominant one and want someone who will push back and challenge me when needed respectfully.

@HandfulofDust

I do think it sounds a bit like you're having to creep about like naughty teenagers though. Why shouldn't he be able to be upfront with his siblings that you two are in an early relationship?

Probably because they won’t see it as separated in same household and see it more of an affair. It’s not. But very black and white thinking. Quite old fashioned morals.

I dont think he should have given up his job! Hows he going to manage, especially when this virus may be around for a while. I dont think his siblings should dictate. He ll have to meet you at yours? Is that an option?

We did talk about telling them it was early relationship. However he said it prob wouldn’t make a huge amount of difference to their thinking. They would still be very much shouldn’t have others in house and tbh would freak them out as clearly we wouldn’t be SD with each other.

I’m not sure I need this additional hassle right now. As much as it feels unfair maybe it’s best I stay away and we see how things are post latest covid spike. He clearly has a lot of stuff to sort which he needs to decide for himself.

I don’t think you should be visiting him with his mother there. Why can’t he come to your place? His siblings wouldn’t even have to know if they were (genuinely) worried about his mother’s health.

Who is separated? Him? You?

What is your living situation?

@Beautiful3 more the employer was ready to have him back but changed the working pattern which made it difficult with caring responsibilities. He’s since started another job which is proving tricky with that too but he’s a worker and too dedicated to say not really working out for me either.

I’m separated. Living in same house.

At this very early stage I would consider how long his caring responsibilities are likely to last? Is there a longer term plan to share the caring and/or will professional carers needs to take over in the future to give him chance to build a relationship and live apart from his mum. I hope this doesn't sound too harsh I'm just thinking realistically. My mum did everything for her elderly parents and it was a huge commitment.

So you’re living with your exh/partner so boyfriend can’t visit you there? And he’s living with his mother who is shielding so you can’t visit him there?

I would put it all on hold at the moment.

My uncle is lives with my 91 yo grandmother and is her full-time carer, but none of us would expect him not to pursue a relationship if he met someone. He takes sensible precautions, but he also has a life outside the home & his siblings support that.

It seems really sad. What if this goes on for years, how do people form new relationships?

Just feels totally futile at moment to even try.