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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is snooping ok?

23 replies

SweetWinterRose · 07/10/2020 09:59

Do you think it is ok to look through my -live at home 20 year old daughters- personal things if she has a diagnosis of depression and has a history of mental illness, is on medication, and has told her doctor she has suicidal ideation? She has been reckless with her medication in the past. I would only be looking to try and keep her safe. I know it is invading her privacy but do you think that in this situation it is ok?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 07/10/2020 10:02

In theory, no it's not ok.

But this is real life and I wouldn't judge you for doing so if you're genuinely worried...I'd probably do the same.

Wishing you both well, sounds tough Flowers

BashfulClam · 07/10/2020 10:08

No, I was your daughter once and I would have been devastated if you did this. It would have made my fragile mental health plummet even more and force me to be more secretive.

Original poster
SweetWinterRose · 07/10/2020 10:14

But what if I can prevent or intervene her plan to commit suicide

OP posts:
Ohalrightthen · 07/10/2020 10:16

How likely do you think she is to have written down in her phone that she wants to commit suicide?!

I think you need to actually talk to her, rather than invading her privacy.

Ohalrightthen · 07/10/2020 10:17

Or in her things, even!

Spied · 07/10/2020 10:17

I'd worry about the damage I'd do if she found out I'd invaded her like this.
It would make things much, much worse and it would sever any trust or openness.

Spied · 07/10/2020 10:21

Do you have anyone you can talk things through with?
By looking through her things you are looking for her to reassure you and she can't.

RobynTripp · 07/10/2020 10:22

If she has told you that she spoke to her Dr about having suicidal thoughts then she trusts you. Keep talking to her

SummerBaby2020 · 07/10/2020 10:23

The same as a pp, I was your daughter as well and if my parents had looked through my stuff ( not that they would find much tbh and neither will you apart from maybe the fact she’s not taking her medication like she should ) I would have never trusted them again. 10 years on and things are so much better and the relationship I have with my parents is amazing but if they had did something like that it wouldn’t be. Don’t do it.

RepeatSwan · 07/10/2020 10:28

Prevention of death by suicide is in my opinion adequate grounds for over riding right to privacy.

But you should only look if you genuinely need to know, and should avoid general snooping etc.

But if they are not taking medication and are at risk of suicide, they are potentially needing to be sectioned? Once you get to that stage, personal freedom is secondary to life preservation?

What a very tough situation to be in Flowers

Onadifferentuniverse · 07/10/2020 10:33

No I don’t think it’s ever ok, snooping isn’t supportive.
Suicidal people need support, not snooping.

Can you call a suicide charity and get some advice?

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/10/2020 10:37

Although I am not sure it is correct, I would totally understand if you were genuinely worried. That said you should make sure you don't over step the mark ands snoop about things for your own knowledge rather than for the benefit of your daughter.

One thing if your daughter finds out or even suspects you have been snooping the resulting fallout could be alot worse.

DelphineWalsh · 07/10/2020 10:37

What are you looking for?

seayork2020 · 07/10/2020 10:37

Snooping is to ease your thoughts of something happening, you cannot prevent her doing anything and your snooping will not help her

If you need to get her help do so dont snoop

Rinoachicken · 07/10/2020 10:40

What is it exactly you are looking for? If you are checking she’s taking her meds, or looking for a stockpile of meds that could be used in a suicide attempt, I’d have sympathy with that, and if you found something it should be passed on to her dr.

Reading diaries etc? Not ok.

RepeatSwan · 07/10/2020 10:41

@Rinoachicken

What is it exactly you are looking for? If you are checking she’s taking her meds, or looking for a stockpile of meds that could be used in a suicide attempt, I’d have sympathy with that, and if you found something it should be passed on to her dr.

Reading diaries etc? Not ok.

Yes that's what I was thinking, looking for something specific ok, a general snoop not ok.
Nottherealslimshady · 07/10/2020 10:43

Maybe being able to trust you would help with her mental health.
You'd be making her feel violated, trapped, like she has no control. Do you think it would be good for her?
You need to open lines of communication and support, not try to control her.

Nottherealslimshady · 07/10/2020 10:46

You cannot prevent someones suicide by taking away one way to kill themself. You can cause someones suicide by treating them poorly.

ComicePear · 07/10/2020 10:49

I agree it depends what you're looking for.

Checking her medication to see that she's taking the right amount - ok.

Reading her personal messages on her phone - not ok.

Itsabeautifuldayheyhey · 07/10/2020 10:59

I would not snoop. As a PP has said, she has trusted you enough for you to know she has/had thoughts of suicide, so I would suggest you talk to her. Has she talked to you about it or did her doctor tell you? If you want to know if she is taking medication, just ask her.

Do you live in an area where there are Mental Health First Aid courses? I went on a 2-day course (1 day then a further day 2 weeks later) where you are taught to recognise signs of deterioration and whether someone is in danger of suicide. It could be that your daughter doesn't want the life she has but doesn't really want to end her life, rather doesn't know how to change her life for the better. However, I have always thought those who talk of suicide tend to be all talk (a bit like the boy who cried wolf). The course taught me that you should never dismiss someone who talks about suicide as, invariably, most people who do take their own lives have talked about it beforehand.

If you have conversations where you can get your daughter to chat about what she is doing on, say, Friday or Saturday, and she does have plans, however insignificant, like going for a walk or to a launderette, then that is usually a good indication that they are planning a future. Obviously, if your daughter experiences psychosis or lacks insight then you need to look at these behaviours and decide if you need to call a Mental Health Crisis team or 999. Make sure you do have the number for your local team.

Non-judgemental talking is the way to go. Be that mum whose daughter can talk to her about anything without fear of rejection.

contrmary · 07/10/2020 11:22

Sorry, it's not OK to snoop in these circumstances. If she finds out it will make her suicidal thoughts ten times worse. The cause of her suicidal feelings needs to be addressed, that's how you prevent it.

From personal experience I never left any hint of my own suicide plans (I failed, obviously Wink) laying around the place. Too risky, suicide takes careful planning and the risk of being found out felt much worse than the actual suicide attempts themselves.

Ironically the few people I did talk through my plans with in detail didn't think I was serious.

Redwrecker · 07/10/2020 11:27

Unless she is missing and you suspect she is going to harm herself, then no.

You already know she has the ideation, its not going to help you, and if she finds out it definitely won’t help her.

imissthesouth · 07/10/2020 11:48

Normally I'd say no, but given the circumstances please do, it may hurt her if she finds out but how would you feel if she did anything. Hoping she gets better soon x

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