Who is being selfish?

[PonfusedCarent]

I can't work out which of us has the issue.

Friend works 5-6 days a week. I have suggested many times to do things at the weekend as I work 9-5, Mon-Fri and they have every Sunday off and usually one day during the week.

Every time they'll say they're busy on a Sunday which is fine but leaves no time for us to meet up whilst I'm off work, I don't mind seeing them every couple of months if a Sunday is the only day we're both free. However, they then request to meet on a weekday in the middle of the day when I work. Last week I asked to meet up, I've had a response saying that's fantastic, they've booked tickets for an weekday meaning I have to take a day off of work. I usually take annual leave for appointments, childcare/sickness, etc. and although I do need to take time off for myself, I can't do it on a regular basis. Plus I'm moving and need to keep days free. It's a regular thing and I've told them before, it's hard to get time off of work anyway but I work all day every day.

AIBU or are they by assuming I'll just take a day off?

They are BU. They know your in work that day. Can't you meet after work in an evening instead?

They clearly value their time over yours! There’s no way I’d take an annual leave day to accommodate the fact they booked tickets without confirming it’s ok for you to take the time off.

You mean, you send a text saying "fancy meeting up next week" and friend texts back "Great! I've booked us onto the London Eye at 12:15 next Tuesday"???? Without checking first, even though they know you would normally be working on that day? That's some strange behaviour if so.

What would happen if you replied by pointing out that you're not actually free then?

It was "fancy meeting up at the weekend?" and they responded "Yes! I've book tickets for Tuesday at 12pm."

Yanbu besides the fact you work midweek, who the hell books tickets to anything without first asking?

That’s really wierd! Just tell her “I’m working on Tuesday, so can only manage the weekend. Are you free to meet up on Sunday?”

Do you not feel you could tell her you couldn't make it? I don't understand why you're not more angry about it. I mean, she's taking the fucking piss. She does it because she knows you'll jump through hoops to accommodate her, so she gets someone to hang out with midweek when nobody else is available whilst preserving her Sundays for other options. She would soon stop if she ended up with wasted tickets to a midweek event! Why should you have to use up your annual leave just because she isn't considerate enough to take account of your work?

Sorry - I realise you haven't actually said it's a woman!

I’d respond with “I work Tuesdays as you know so can’t come but let me know when you’re free on a Sunday as that seems the only day we’re both off work”

@PonfusedCarent

It was "fancy meeting up at the weekend?" and they responded "Yes! I've book tickets for Tuesday at 12pm."

So this is either

• they misread "weekend" for "Tuesday" (plenty of people don't read things properly)

• the "Yes" and "I've booked tickets for Tuesday at 12pm" are 2 unrelated statements

• The whole message was meant to go to someone else (e.g. it makes perfect sense in response to a "did you get tickets" sort of message)

• They meant to type Sunday (maybe "Tunday") and it autocorrected

Either way, it sounds like a misunderstanding/mistake rather than you jumping to them being selfish.

@RedskyAtnight

Any of those would be reasonable if this was a one off. But the OP says that the friend regularly wants to meet up in the week, when she knows OP is working, but turns down Sundays when she presumably thinks she can get a better offer. How nice for OP to be a 'you'll do if there's no-one else'. Not.

OP if I were you I wouldn't go. Don't feel guilted into it because she's bought the tickets, that's exactly how she wants you to feel. She's being manipulative to have things her way and never mind what it puts you through.

I just find these types of threads baffling. Either you're both friends and genuinely want to see each other in which case you both make an effort and/or accept that you might be both busy at the moment and not able to meet. Neither of you are being selfish, cheeky, manipulative or any of the words banded about on this thread. It's just the way things happen sometimes. Why would you assume someone you describe as a friend is one of these things? It sounds like friend has regular plans on Sundays. She might be as fed up of being asked to do things then as OP is of being asked to do things on weekdays. Surely, if Sunday is the only day off work the two of you have in common, you either find a mutually convenient Sunday (even if it's 4 months away), or you try for a weekday evening. Or you accept that the friendship slides. Or maybe you need to talk to each other rather than constant texting?

I'm getting a vision of the following sort of conversation going on

OP - are you free on Sunday?
Friend - Sorry, I'm busy

Friend - could we meet on Wednesday?
OP - Sorry, I'm working

OP - How about Sunday the 22nd?
Friend - Sorry I have other plans that day. How about Tuesday?
OP - I work on Tuesdays, remember?

... which basically sounds like 2 people who are not really communicating or that bothered about meeting

~And if you're not friends, why are you bothering?

@PonfusedCarent

I can't work out which of us has the issue.

Friend works 5-6 days a week. I have suggested many times to do things at the weekend as I work 9-5, Mon-Fri and they have every Sunday off and usually one day during the week.

Every time they'll say they're busy on a Sunday which is fine but leaves no time for us to meet up whilst I'm off work, I don't mind seeing them every couple of months if a Sunday is the only day we're both free. However, they then request to meet on a weekday in the middle of the day when I work. Last week I asked to meet up, I've had a response saying that's fantastic, they've booked tickets for an weekday meaning I have to take a day off of work. I usually take annual leave for appointments, childcare/sickness, etc. and although I do need to take time off for myself, I can't do it on a regular basis. Plus I'm moving and need to keep days free. It's a regular thing and I've told them before, it's hard to get time off of work anyway but I work all day every day.

AIBU or are they by assuming I'll just take a day off?

They are busy on the only free day you both have, to meet up but they will happily meet you on a day when you work.

They don't want to meet you at all

I have a friend who used to work weekends and I would take the odd day off midweek to meet her but it was always prearranged. You can't just take for granted anyone can get leave so booking an event without confirming it is odd.

They are being selfish. They don’t want to give up their weekend day for you but expect you to use up your annual leave on them? Just no.

@RedskyAtnight

Except the conversation was:

Me: Are you free at the weekend?
Me: We could do this (sends information)?
Her: Yes! I've book tickets for Tuesday at 12pm.

I then explain for what feels like the 100th time that I may not be available, it's a case of me having to book time off of work but I'd need to get back to her anyway as annual leave isn't just granted to anyone who asks.

Later
Me: Have you booked a ticket for yourself or both of us?
Her: Both. Looking forward to it!

She's a close friend, I can't figure out why she does it. I wonder if she's hoping I'll say no!

Either self centered with an "if it works for me it also works for everyone else" mindset or maybe she is trying to sabotage the friendship but blame you for not wanting to meet. It's hard to tell.

Just dont turn up. She knows you work but is hoping you will take the time off, she is bing very rude

I don't know what's going on because I am & well & truly baffled by her response