Helping DH to see the good in the world

[Thisisnotataste]

DH has got really down about the selfishness of people. The builder who over charged us.. the people who don't wear masks... people who push past us at the school gate... the Trumps of the world.. people who put profits before people.
He was even questioning whether we should be raising our kids to be kind and caring or instead should be pushing them to be successful and damn the cost to others as that's what others will be doing.
He knows there are good people in the world. Nursery workers, the kids teachers, our families but he can't see past the overwhelming sense of the world is a horrible place

I can't just point out good people individually. I need to find a way to help him see the good in the world again.

Can anyone suggest any way? I'm having a hard time at the moment coping with my anxiety and keeping it in check. So I know how he feels. But in my work I do see people who care and make a difference. He doesn't.

It's a classic case of you only notice what you choose to focus on, he needs to shift his focus to notice the good stuff which there is plenty of

Without being mean why is it your job to fix this? Maybe he needs to give his head a wobble and support you with your anxiety?

Sorry my STBX is like this and after 15 years trying to jolly him along and see the positive all that’s happened is he’s taken me down with him!

In the same way as you are what you eat (eat well and you feel good) I believe what you see/hear/read effects you as well. Towards the beginning of lockdown I got quite low with similar thoughts and so I stopped constantly refreshing bbc news. The media never seem to do a good news story anymore, or report on positives. I stopped watching handmaids tale as it was so violent and stark! For a while I just wanted to read/watch easy going things for a bit of cheer.
There are so many good people and initiatives- the people setting up groups to help bring groceries to the elderly/delivering prescriptions. Community events set up. Food banks. I think it’s the sad truth that we remember angry events more than kind ones. If a builder went the extra mile or did a bit extra for nothing it would make you happy for a week or so- but if he rips you off you’d stew over it and remember for ages!!

Sorry that probably doesn’t help you, but I sympathise and he definitely isn’t alone. Sometimes the world seems a very indifferent and frightening place and you really have to make a habit of concentrating on the good things.

Its my job because I love him and want him to be happy and not depressed. Like its his job to take care of me too.we take care of each other
Actually @AluckyEllie that helps a lot!

Agree with what’s already been said, you just need to shift perspective- follow different people on social media such as twitter and tune out from the tabloids. Instead of Priti Patel in migrants, read about the volunteers who go to help out in the camps. Instead of selfish ‘covidiots’, search out the volunteer groups who are looking out for the elderly and vulnerable. There’s a lot of goodness out there! Sadly it just doesn’t sell papers, because we have evolved to pay more attention to danger and disaster than to peace and positivity. The peaceful and positive Neandethal got eaten, sadly!
But we can take control now and look for the good

Instead of bewailing the state of the world, why doesn’t your DH become part of the solution? He could ask your local church what help they need with their volunteer support groups for the elderly, disabled, struggling young families, single parents etc. He could go and do a litter pick around your area, or volunteer in a charity shop, or for telephone befriending. That way he would meet loads of kind and caring fellow volunteers, and see that most people are actually decent souls.

The reason crime and violence makes the newspapers is because it is not the norm. Most people keep the law, donate to charity, help their neighbours. Your DH needs to get it in proportion.

I receive a monthly magazine in the post called Positive News. It features lots of stories on the many varied, wonderful initiatives happening in the world. www.positive.news/

Binge watch The Good Place. Job done. Only half joking.

Agree with others. There is so much good in the world and so much that is positive even in the worst situations, but you have to notice the good things as well as the irritating.

A really good way to do this is to literally 'note' 2 things every day that made you smile / feel good / made you happy / that you noticed as a positive in some way. (Or 3, or 5, or start with just 1).
Some people tell their partner something goo or sweet or positive or nice over their evening meal.
Some people are more spiritual and might give thanks in a prayer or meditative type activity. Some are more private and prefer to write it down in a diary. Some might prefer to just list things themselves as they turn in for the night.

Can be something 'satisfying' like 'I managed to turn in that report at work today' or something "nice" like I saw a rainbow today" - doesn't have to be big things.
You then build it up.

Instead of bewailing the state of the world, why doesn’t your DH become part of the solution.

Agree with this. Let him be the change he wants to see.

These are very helpful. Thank you. I'll have a think over night

I know where he's coming from. The past four years have been fucking grim, and I wonder if things will ever really get much better!

But with relation to this bit: "He was even questioning whether we should be raising our kids to be kind and caring or instead should be pushing them to be successful and damn the cost to others as that's what others will be doing."

There's always a point to living well. Being the person you're happy for your kids to look up to, and have for a role model. Getting through the world in a way that keeps you alright with your own moral compass. Giving your kids the best start you can in life - who knows what they might achieve, or how they may make the world a better place in ways we can't even imagine today? Knowing that if you died tomorrow, you'd do so knowing that regardless of what anyone else may choose to do, you did your best to life your life in a way you could feel proud of.

That's immensely cheesy and unMumsnetty, but different versions of that personal pep talk are what has kept me going so far. It might not help your DH, but then again it might - or someone else.

From a business point of view, look up b corps. They're a growing group of businesses who see business as more than profit. A nice change for the world!

Thanks for all the suggestions

I was finding it hard to talk about the bigger picture - I could find individuals who were good.
The reason crime and violence makes the newspapers is because it is not the norm this is really useful to highlight

And particularly @BackforGood @PuntasticUsername ways of framing stuff. Thank you!

It's so hard. I regularly have days where I feel like your DH and honestly since I've had children I have found it almost impossible to be happy. They bring me so much joy but it is always tempered with worry for their futures and sadness at the state of the world. I wish I didn't feel like this!

I agree with a lot of the suggestions about getting involved and making a difference, and would say that honestly the real world is almost always nicer and more positive than the online world. I've seriously limited my social media/news intake. MN is the one bad habit I still need to shake... Reading books, playing an instrument, baking, clearing out a drawer, even phoning someone for a chat, pretty much anything is more likely to lift your mood than Twitter or anything similar.

I was raised in a relentlessly positive house, my parents are very much still like that, and although I can see the benefit to them of living their lives like that it did give me a bit of a skewed view of the world. I was hopeless naive and lacking streetsmarts until I was pretty old and some of the realities of the world have hit me like a train in the last few years...

Thanks @Guylan, that’s a Christmas present sorted- a subscription to positive news for my mum!

And will also be getting the positive news subscription!

I feel very like your DH, and am naturally pessimistic/prone to think the worst.

I got so fed up one day that I decided I was going to live as some others do, with no regard to anyone else.

It lasted about half an hour (where all I managed was not moving out of the way of someone on the pavement) and then I reverted to trying not to be selfish naturally.

Not sure of the point here really....