Would you bother ?

[Starsaboveus]

Would you bother with people ( family ) who don't bother with your kids ?
Partners ( if you would call us that at the moment ) family have only bothered to see dd on her birthday or Xmas they have never popped in to see her when passing our road even when asked if they would call in when passing to see her, they live miles away but pass our road regularly to go to his mums house, and have never popped round to see her or even get to know her, they haven't see or asked about her for a year now, aibu to just not bother with them anymore ? They have no interest in my kid what so ever however if I don't go to a family meal or bother with their baby when it's born I know I'm going to get hell from mil for it regardless that they haven't seen mine in a year not sure if I'm being unfair or whether I should stand my ground and say well they don't bother with our kid! X

If I like someone, and they bring something to my life (even if it's just someone who is fun to go for a drink/meal withonce in a while) I couldn't care less whether they bother with my children. So long as they're not actively cruel to them obviously.
If I dont like them then I wouldn't bother with them. Also regardless of whether they had any time for my kids tbh.
It is a bit different with family but the principle is the same.

Thank you for your reply, I think for me I'm not fussed if they bother or not with dd it's more the crap i get from his mum if I don't bother, she can be quite a bully I don't understand why she doesn't do the same to them when it's The other way round x

So, they came round regularly on Christmas and DDs birthday, but you’ve never gone round theirs? Now they’ve not come round yours for a year? It sounds to me like they made an effort for a time and when it wasn’t returned, they stopped. Getting together with family isn’t a one way thing. It should be them visiting you AND you visiting them.

We've never been invited to theirs, they have been invited here several times, when bil has his dd we went every weekend to visit but when we realised they don't bother with ours we stopped going and making the effort x

I find your attitude a bit strange tbh. My DH has nieces and nephews and we obviously see them when we visit, but we don’t go to see the nieces and nephews in particular, we are visiting everyone.

I also find it odd that you are also making comments about what somebody will say if you don’t visit a baby that has not been born yet. How can you know this?

@Starsaboveus

We've never been invited to theirs, they have been invited here several times, when bil has his dd we went every weekend to visit but when we realised they don't bother with ours we stopped going and making the effort x

You went to visit every weekend? Perhaps that is a bit much and if you were going to theirs every weekend, why would they come to you as well.

Yes, if you were going to theirs every weekend, when would they come to yours? I presume you’re all working and going to school during M-F? You say they’ve never invited you, was that true then? If so, then they may be thinking you have open invitation.

Sounds an odd family dynamic or a failure to communicate. We just call up our relatives and ask when would be good for a get together at theirs or ours. None of us wait for an invitation to visit. We also don’t keep score as to whose making “more effort” by travelling.

Hi OP. It sounds like you're feeling quite hurt by this lack of interest and trying to protect yourself, which is understandable. Repeated disappointments are hard to bear. I just wanted to pick up on this:

I also find it odd that you are also making comments about what somebody will say if you don’t visit a baby that has not been born yet. How can you know this?

I think you probably do have a good sense of what people will say in this situation. Perhaps that poster has a less predictable family but for me, I can (and indeed have in the past) predict, almost word for word how some people might respond to certain things. You may well be right in your assumption and that being the case, if you decide to not visit the new baby, you can also plan how you will respond when someone tries to get you to do something that is right for them instead of right for you.

it depends how much they bring to my life, if they are a great friend who adds to my existence then I couldn't care less.

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