Should I tell ex that I slept with someone else?

[riverrain]

A bit of background - me and ex both 22 and were together for almost 8 years until we split up 3 months ago. The break up was due to me feeling as though the relationship had run it's course and that we had just outgrown it from being together at such a young age.

He took it very badly and we still talk now and again. Although I had made it clear that it was over he insisted that he would not move on and that he would wait a few months incase I changed my mind, I told him not to do this but he was adamant.

In the last 2 weeks I have been missing him and questioning if I made a mistake by ending it, I know I will never find someone who loves me the way that he does. I know that he's still 'waiting' for me and that he would get back with me in a heartbeat. But the problem is, around 2 months after breaking up I slept with someone else I know that he would be absolutely heartbroken and devastated if I told him I can't imagine his reaction, I don't think he would get back together if he knew.

Although I was completely single I feel so guilty. My question is, if we were to get back together at some point should I tell him that I slept with somebody else?

Think of it this way: What possible benefits could come from telling him?

If it would be useful to get him to stop mooning after you, perhaps do.

If it would just break his heart for no purpose, heck no.

Thanks everyone for the replies some are very helpful.

Just to clear a few things up..

1. I am definitely not stringing him along or keeping him as a 'back up' I have told him so many times not to wait for me. I've tried going no contact but after 2-3 days he texts and I can't ignore him when he's that upset as I do still care a lot about him.

1. I wouldn't just randomly tell him that I had slept with someone else as that would be horrible of me to do, I was asking if I should tell him if we do end up getting back together.

It's very difficult because some days I feel as though I've made the right decision and then other days I feel as though I can't imagine going my whole life with him. I'm really worried that I'll end up missing him and regretting not getting back together but by then he may have moved on with someone else it scares me a lot it's so difficult!

@riverrain

You have sellers remorse. You’re 22. Enjoy your life.

1 block him, then he can't! You can't fix his upset as you caused it.
2 he never needs to know, regardless of whether you get back together or not.

Think about it very carefully. Nearly everyone is telling you not to get back with him but I know someone who was in your situation and she got back together with her boyfriend, married him and now has three children. Whether she’s happy I don’t know because we’re not really friends anymore.

In my experience, I doubt I’ll ever love anyone as much as I loved (and still love) my ex husband who I met when I was eighteen. But then I was a lot older when we split up (36) and it’s more difficult to find someone at that age.

And no, don’t tell him! Even if you get back together. It’ll only cause a huge amount of upset for both of you. You will get over the guilt after a while.

Maybe go no contact with him.
You really need a break from him otherwise he'll always be there in the background and you might end up back with him due to familiarity or habit.
You're so very young and you've experienced a long term relationship with someone through various phases in your life.
22 is a wonderful age from which to flourish and fly.
Don't let him drag you back .
Good luck OP.

I've tried going no contact but after 2-3 days he texts and I can't ignore him when he's that upset as I do still care a lot about him

Actually ignoring him is probably what he needs to break free of his unhealthy attachment to you. You are not the person who can fix this. He needs to find his own way, and it is not your responsibility. Every time he contacts you when he's upset, and you reply, you help him stay in that place.

If you keep doing the same thing, both of you will go round and round in circles in a really damaging way. One of you needs to step away.

Remind yourself why you split from him in the first place - you felt it had run its course. Don't get back with someone because they need you, ever.

Please don’t go back to him yet. All the reasons you broke it off with him are surely still there three months later? Live your life. Move in. If you still feel the same way a year later that’s different but three months is nothing!

My post should have read move on not move in!! 😬 that’s completely opposite advice!!

I left a long term relationship around your age for the same reasons (Plus in my case my head being turned by who is now my DH). You are allowed to grieve what was a good relationship with a good person, and for it still to be the right decision to move on. Allow both of you the space to move on, tell him this and break off contact, at least for a while. Dont mention that you slept with someone else, it will only serve to hurt him. And don't feel guilty, you are responsible for your own happiness now. I'd advise you to do what i didnt, and spend some time being independant and getting out there and having fun, before settling down with a new partner - you havent been single since you were a kid, time to discover grown up you. You may wonder, maybe even years down the line, if it was the right decision...it is - the relationship has run it's course and that's okay. Best to leave it here where you can remember it fondly and not try to force it until it becomes something full of regret and resentment. Everything will turn out ok for both you, enjoy the road ahead and don't look back.

I've tried going no contact but after 2-3 days he texts and I can't ignore him when he's that upset as I do still care a lot about him.

Tough love needed here. Don't just ghost him but send a short message that you are taking a step back. You need it, he needs it.

Many moons ago a girlfriend dumped me, I was gutted, I wanted to get back together. As I discovered she had been thinking about it for sometime so emotionally at least she had semi checked out and was further down the road in terms of 'moving on'. Problem was that she wanted to remain friends, she had flicked a switch in her head and over night we went from a couple to 'friends', it was torture for me as I falsely took hope from every communication as a possible reconciliation. Eventually I asked her to not to contact me as I was just in limbo not moving on.

He doesn't get to decide you can't leave him - which is what he was trying to do.

Don't fall for him capitalising upon your feeling lonely. Especially as he will never, ever let that one go if he knows.

Don't tell him.

Don't get back together with him.

It gets better once you aren't still being manipulated and made to feel as though you're kicking a puppy.

Thanks everyone. These replies have been so helpful to me and have helped me realise that I haven't done anything wrong so should not be feeling guilty.

I know that I should cut contact with him but I find it so hard when he keeps talking to me. Also, I'm terrified of him moving on with someone else (very selfish of me I know) but the thought of him with someone else or finding a new girlfriend really hurts.

I think the word here us "enmeshed ". He wants you, you font want him but dont want him to move on either... What a mess.

The right, the grown up, indeed the only thing to do here is to cut contact. Or you can carry on paying out your teen drama until someone gets really hurt.

Also, I'm terrified of him moving on with someone else (very selfish of me I know) but the thought of him with someone else or finding a new girlfriend really hurts.

Well yeah that is selfish considering you've slept with someone else.

You need to go nc with him. Once you're not expecting replies from him, talking to him weekly or even daily, then you'll start to move on.

If the only reason you want to get back together is so that no one else can have him, don't do it. That's selfish. Is there someone who is interested in him by any chance, that you know? I know that will be hard to see happen, but that's what you have to go through when you break up with someone.

@CakeRequired yes I know that's selfish of me I do admit it, I just can't help but feel that way though.

No there's nobody I know that's interested in him, he hasn't put himself out there at all since the break up and I know that he hasn't even spoken to anyone else as he's got his heart set on waiting for me and hoping I'll change my mind.

I think no contact is the way forward, and if in a few months we end up back together then atleast I'll know that it's meant to be and isn't being forced from me (if that makes sense)

If you get back together with him and he asks you, I think you’d have to tell him.
It sounds like he loves you way more than you love him, I’d leave him alone.
You will find someone else, you are still both very young. Sounds like you want him as back up because you are lonely and possibly covid is a factor but that will pass. I’d also say that you need to go no contact, because you will just keep hurting him. I’ve been there! thinking it was ok because we were friends and it did not end well. I still feel guilty about the situation...

I get why you feel that way. You've been with him for 8 years and it's not like you broke up for bad reasons like abuse, cheating etc. You broke up because you've changed. It's going to hurt more that way once he finds someone else, same as it will hurt him when you find someone else. But it still is selfish and you know that.

Youre right, go nc with each other and if eventually you end up back together, then cool go for it. Sometimes a break is all you need to just be by yourself.

I wouldn't tell him. I also wouldn't entertain the idea of getting back with him. You're young, free and single. The world is waiting for you!