Trigger warning. Abortion guilt 8 years on.

[Wingingthis]

Sorry for posting here but I’ve got myself into a bit of a state and am unsure where to post this. I’ll try and keep this as short as possible -

8 years ago, I had very recently turned 20 and had been seeing someone for about 4 months. Was going out a lot, drinking, just coming out of but still partly in a very bad place mentally. (Got as bad as self harm at one point in the early months of that year). I was very very stupid and missed taking my pill and shock I ended up pregnant. The day I found out I was in my uni room, the guy I was seeing was in America. I didn’t even think it was all a blur but I immediately called the abortion clinic and got the train there. I was in tears the entire time and was alone. I’d called the dad a million times but due to the time difference he didn’t pick up till later that day. I was in a state of panic. I explained and he agreed it was the right choice. I barely knew him, was at uni, had no money, no mental stability. My parents would have been supportive but I would have been living with them. It was not a good scenario.

I went for an internal scan the following week and was told they couldn’t even see the sac so I had to wait another week to make sure it wasn’t ectopic. I went back and they confirmed the pregnancy, estimating I was around 7 weeks. I was put to sleep and the abortion.
I felt relief.

8 years on and I actually ended up marrying this man and we have 2 children. The youngest has just turned 5 months. Out of the blue for the past few days I have felt immense guilt and sadness surrounding my abortion. I’ve always felt guilt but now I’m starting to think more and more into it and it’s becoming overwhelming. Nothing has triggered this I don’t understand where it’s come front but all i want to do is rewind time and have that baby.
Can’t stop thinking I should also have an 8 year old. Was it going to be a boy or girl. They’d have two little sisters. I can almost picture what they may have looked like now as my two girls are so identical looking. It breaks my heart quite literally.

I have no words to describe the guilt, grief and regret I am feeling.

No judgment here. It sounds very much as though you could do with some counselling to help you process your feelings. You didn't know the future and could not have been expected to.

My first thought was would you two still be together if you’d kept the baby? Of course you’ll never know the answer but from what you’ve said it doesn’t sound likely.

Be happy and grateful for what you have now and acknowledge what wasn’t meant to be. That’s what I do when those feelings hit, take a moment to feel them but accept that you made a choice and you have a different life now. Have you spoken to your DH?

Oh, sweetheart. It sounds like you would benefit from professional help. Please make an appointment with your GP and ask them about their counselling service.

You made what you thought was the right choice at the time. Who knows how it might have gone otherwise. You might not have married your DH and not had your subsequent children.

Please don’t carry this for the rest of your life; you’re not a bad person, you were very young and you could not have known how your life would have panned out.

Try not to think about the what ifs it’s not going to change it it’s bloody hard for you but couldn’t you talk about how you feel to your partner

Yanbu! I hade an incomplete miscarriage and after my d&c the nurse wheel me down to the maternity unit (of all places)! But she told me, what’s for you won’t pass you. Everything happens for a reason and had you not had the abortion, you may never have married him and had more children. Don’t let it get you down, it was the right thing to do at the time and you did make the right decision, it’s just human nature to second guess ourselves and ponder over “what ifs”. 🌸

Please don't tear yourself apart with whatifs, you can't turn the clock back and your life would probably have been totally different had you not taken that decistion. Does your husband know how you feel? it may help to air your feelings, talk it through and then enjoy and love the family you have. Good luck to you all.

You sound like you could do with someone professional to talk to regarding the guilt, I imagine the hormones of having a baby 5 weeks ago won’t be helping anything.
It’s not the same, but after having a MC at 14 weeks I can understand thinking about what could have been and what they would look like now, but it doesn’t do well to dwell on what might have been.
You may not even have the life you have now if you’d have had the baby you were pregnant with, an unexpected pregnancy can be extremely stressful for both the mother and father and the relationship may have suffered or broken down due to carrying it on.
Hugs and OP.

Thing is, if you and your now-DH had continued with the pregnancy, there's a strong possibility you may not have lasted long. You were only 20 at the time and a child at that age would have put so much strain on your relationship, a brand new relationship. You'd probably have had to stop university too.

In a nutshell, had you continued with that pregnancy, you might still only have one DC. You might not have your DH either. Nor would you have had your career/qualifications.

It's easy for me to say this, I terminated with no regrets, but try and shift your thinking from 'I should have had...', not actually knowing that this would be the case, to 'I do have...' although you may need some outside help to achieve this.

Just to add, abortion is never something to feel shame or guilt over.

I had this guilt too.
Someone once told me the soul of the baby just comes back so you always have the baby you were meant to have. I know it was probably just words but it helped me.
Who knows, the pregnancy couldn’t have been viable or anything awful could have happened. You mightn’t even have your lovely children today.
That’s enough beating yourself up now x time to move forward and be at peace x

Oh OP. You sound like you're torturing yourself. You'll never know how things may have been if you hadn't but you're thinking about it with the knowledge that you went on to have more children with him etc. Had you kept the baby, maybe you two would have argued constantly about money, time etc and split, then you wouldnt have had your daughters. Or maybe you would have stopped at 2 so your youngest wouldnt be here.

What I'm trying to say is, I know you feel guilt but life works out, the way it works out. You made the best decision for you at the time and who knows how your life would have been, but if you're enjoying your life now, dont beat yourself up about it.

Not the same situation but the words of the soul of the baby comes back. I believe this. My dear friend found herself unexpectedly pregnant at 20, an American on a year abroad at a UK university. She had a termination, married her boyfriend and their child was born 17 years later. they are in a much better position to be parents now. It is hard but I wonder if this was how it was meant to be?,

I echo the comments about Councelling. It’s ok to grieve for the baby you lost. I hope you can find some peace.