Head v heart | Mumsnet

Miss81 · 2020-10-05T18:59:45+00:00

Anyone ever really loved someone but know in their head that they shouldn't? How do you stop when you have to work with them? Any success stories gratefully received.

GypsyRoseGarden · 05/10/2020 20:06

in my experience, 99% of the time in when your head tells you that you "shouldn't love" someone at work, you don't really love them - lust maybe, infatuation maybe, lonely maybe, even liking the diversion from normal everyday life .... but love that is sustainable is really only based on knowing someone well, and spending time with them in many different types of situations, including learning that you can rely on them because they've been right by your side when things go very badly and are prepared to put your needs above their own

Original poster

Miss81 · 05/10/2020 20:16

@GypsyRoseGarden

in my experience, 99% of the time in when your head tells you that you "shouldn't love" someone at work, you don't really love them - lust maybe, infatuation maybe, lonely maybe, even liking the diversion from normal everyday life .... but love that is sustainable is really only based on knowing someone well, and spending time with them in many different types of situations, including learning that you can rely on them because they've been right by your side when things go very badly and are prepared to put your needs above their own

Probably need to clarify. I've been in a relationship with them. Now I work with them and it feels like there is no escape.

OP posts:

GypsyRoseGarden · 05/10/2020 20:19

so why did you break up? you need to focus on that

Original poster

Miss81 · 05/10/2020 20:23

@GypsyRoseGarden

so why did you break up? you need to focus on that

He cheated.

I hate that I still love him.

OP posts:

user1473878824 · 05/10/2020 20:37

Oh dear poor you. That doesn’t sound fun at all. When did you break up because really, as shit as it is, time is the only thing that will do it.

GypsyRoseGarden · 05/10/2020 20:41

hmmm, ive always found focusing on their actual character useful

can you list what it is that you love about him, and hold that up against the characteristics shown up by his cheating?

have you asked yourself what you love about someone who is willing to deceive you, and knowingly hurt you?

can you list the essential qualities that you need in a partner (I did this, it was very useful) - what do you need to be truly happy? how many of those qualities does the cheater possess?

Original poster

Miss81 · 05/10/2020 20:50

@GypsyRoseGarden

hmmm, ive always found focusing on their actual character useful

can you list what it is that you love about him, and hold that up against the characteristics shown up by his cheating?

have you asked yourself what you love about someone who is willing to deceive you, and knowingly hurt you?

can you list the essential qualities that you need in a partner (I did this, it was very useful) - what do you need to be truly happy? how many of those qualities does the cheater possess?

That's a great idea I'll do that

I need to stop being so bloody stupid

OP posts:

GypsyRoseGarden · 05/10/2020 20:58

don't be hard on yourself - its hard to give up on someone that we've loved and potentially had put our future dreams in their hands only to have them shit all over us .... having said that, anything you can do to see him for who he really is and contrast that to what you really need is incredible helpful to coping with the situation and ultimately moving on and leaving it behind you in the trash can (where he belongs)

I have zero zero zero sympathy for cheaters of any sex - you don't just fall over and accidentally insert your penis in another person (or have it inserted) - there are multiple tiny decisions that you make on your way to infidelity (and I say this from personal experience) - the best thing that the cheater can do is learn from it and be a better person the next time someone gives them their heart care for - and the best thing the cheated on person can do is learn what they need and what they are not willing to put up with