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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be so annoyed with ex

6 replies

Peace43 · 05/10/2020 19:09

My H and I split up 2 years ago. It was not a hugely acrimonious split. We sold the house and split the money. We both moved to nearby locations. He wanted 50:50 but couldn’t deal with the school runs and work so did EOW and tea on a Wednesday. There was no child maintenance needed (I earn way more than he does).

He’s always struggled with health anxiety and depression (and being a lazy, selfish, self absorbed twat). He coped really well over lockdown and actually had DD 50:50 whilst on furlough (I was still working full time from home). Then 7 weeks ago (apparently now working from home) he left and went to spend the week with his parents 180 mikes away. He’s not come back. He won’t say when he’s coming back (he has apparently just signed a rental agreement on a new place in the next village over to his current place up here). He hasn’t seen DD for 5 weeks (she went to stay when he first left in August as he was supposed to be taking her on holiday). He says he is worried about losing his support bubble with his parents if he comes back. He has no underlying health issues and is a healthy fit 40 year old man.

DD wants her dad. I can’t explain this to her. I can’t tell her what’s going on because I don’t know, he won’t tell me. He hasn’t even spoken to her for a week and a half as last time he spoke to her she questioned him on when he was coming back. She’s sad and scared and not sleeping and I am SO SO angry with him. I’m not being unreasonable am I? He really is being a total dick isn’t he? Anyone got any idea how I best deal with a very upset abandoned 9 year old?

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 05/10/2020 19:14

Ring his parents. Tell them what state their granddaughter is in. Shame him.

mmgirish · 05/10/2020 19:45

What a nightmare. Your ex is being hugely unfair on his daughter! I agree with the previous poster, if he's going to act like a child - call his parents!

Feelingconfused2020 · 05/10/2020 19:47

I'd call his parents too. Are they close to your daughter?

shesgonebatshitagain · 05/10/2020 19:54

That’s awful the poor child

Having had a father like this myself when I was growing up the best thing my mother did was just calmly and quietly get in with things. She did not once speak badly of him or do anything to suggest he didn’t love us she just did what she could do.

His parents were useless and fence sitters

He did what he wanted when he wanted

I look back in it often and think that by mum would have given him bullets to fire if she had done anything differently

Don’t lie to her but don’t try to make him be the parent he ought to be. You won’t change him and it will overshadow the relationship you rightly have with your daughter

If he doesn’t make an effort she will soon cotton on and he will lose her so leave him to be responsible for that

Continue to show her she always has a home and a safe reliable loving life with you. Anything else will just cause more damage though I know how you must feel

Peace43 · 05/10/2020 20:03

Thank you. To be honest I’m surprised his parents haven’t sent him home. We always got on well and they love DD very much. I’d expect them to be telling ex what a Pratt he is being and that the kids come first.

I’m not bad mouthing him to DD. I’ve explained that he is poorly and that the Covid has made him a bit nuts (I didn’t use exactly those words!) and that we’d have to wait for him to feel better enough to come home so she can see him (although I’d drive half way to do drop and pick up if he wanted to have her for a weekend at his parents). She was ok with that for a few weeks but it’s not enough anymore. He sent a text asking how she was last Monday and when I said she was sad and missed him he got angry at my lack of compassion and I haven’t heard from him since!

It would be easier if he just said he wasn’t coming back. At least we’d know where we stand and DD could discuss it.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 05/10/2020 20:11

Good advice above.

Don't bad mouth him but don't cover for him.
If you don't know an answer to a question, tell the truth, you don't know.

You cannot answer a question you dont know the answer to.

Keep your answers simple and age appropriate.

You can say that you wish things were different if she's upset, but unfortunately YOU can't change them.

Remaining calm and dependable is tge best you can do.

What an absolute twat.

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