How to mourn a miscarriage?

jessstan1 · 05/10/2020 18:43

@AvocadoYUK

I recently had a medical miscarriage at 8 weeks pregnant. I didnt realise how much I wanted the baby and sadness I would feel when it happened :( I dont know how to mourn and don't know what to do. Did anyone here do anything for their loss? A mini funeral? Memorial in some way? Or even just getting a Teddy? I need help channeling my sadness:(

Write down how you feel, Avocado, speaking to your baby as if he or she was actually here, give them a name and keep your letter in a safe, private place; make a note of the date. You could plant something in memory, a flowering shrub or a rose tree perhaps.

Time will take care of the rest. I hope the future brings good things for you and am so sorry for your loss.

ColleagueFromMars · 05/10/2020 18:46

I'm so sorry for your loss

I'm a really big fan of ritual. You could design something to your taste, like lighting a candle and saying a few words. You could do it with loved ones or just by yourself. I lost somebody to suicide earlier this year and because of covid couldn't go to the funeral, so I made myself an altar on a table with a nice tablecloth, a candle, a photo of them, flowers and a few things that meant something to me about them, and I sat in silence thinking about them, then I wrote them a few words and "sent" it to them by burning it in the candle (take fire precautions). Might something like that suit you?

I'm sure there must be charities that help people come to terms with pregnancy loss. Might be worth a Google and reaching out to make use of their services?

Sunshine1235 · 05/10/2020 18:49

I wrote a little letter to the baby and my husband wrote a poem and we put them in an envelope together. For me the letter was part of saying goodbye and telling the baby that I would never forget them. I found it really helpful to properly say goodbye especially as it helped me not to feel guilty when I was excited to get pregnant again

MaskingForIt · 05/10/2020 18:51

I lost a pregnancy at 11 weeks in January. I didn’t feel the need to hold a ceremony or buy a keepsake, but I did talk to a few close friends about it, even though I hadn’t previously told them I was pregnant. It felt like it made it more “real” and not something I had just imagined.

I also had a couple of alcohol-fuelled crying breakdowns on my husband, while listening to sad music. I suppose those, if anything, were my way of saying goodbye.

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 05/10/2020 18:52

I'm sorry about your lost baby OP. Friends have remembered their babies in different ways. One has a beautiful personalised Christmas tree ornament for each baby she lost. Another planted a tree for their baby.

Amijustagrump · 05/10/2020 18:53

We have a "latern" we painted in blue and pink and wrote a letter which we burnt in it that we put all our feelings in. When it hurts I tend to hold the latern but mostly it's away somewhere safe.

kittlesticks · 05/10/2020 19:01

I'm so sorry for your loss.
I lost three - I have to say it was a very low time in my life.
I grieved by talking to others. I had counselling too because I had depression due to the whole thing. I regularly light three candles now. I wrote them all a poem.
I've now gone on to have two children and the grief is sort of in a different place now. Sending you a hug.

SpanielPlusToddler · 05/10/2020 19:04

So sorry for your loss. We had a goodbye ceremony, where we planted a tree. The tree flowers every year at the time that was our baby’s due date, so we remember our baby on that day every year.

CoffeeDay · 05/10/2020 19:04

Very sorry for your loss. Reading about Jizo Statues helped me a lot. It's part of Japanese culture and a beautiful concept that helps give closure to miscarriage. The little statues provide a tangible form and way to grieve the loss. Parents often dress the statue or place snacks around it to keep the baby warm and happy on their way to the afterlife. Here are some articles:

www.nytimes.com/2017/01/06/well/family/the-japanese-art-of-grieving-a-miscarriage.html?_r=0

www.independent.co.uk/life-style/health-and-families/jizo-statues-japanese-statues-giving-closure-women-who-have-miscarried-a7519416.html

You can also get Jizo statues from Amazon. I got this one and made a small hat for it as well: www.amazon.com/Ksitigarbha-Ojizo-Sama-Japanese-Buddha-Statue/dp/B003V1IB88/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&crid=1IIG5CXNEB8N4&keywords=jizo+statue&sprefix=jizo+st%2Caps%2C242&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1601920739&sr=8-1

I also bought a box to keep the only two scan pictures I had plus a small stuffed toy. I rarely open it but it's somehow comforting knowing it's there.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 05/10/2020 19:07

I lost 3 at 11 weeks. I dont know if you passed anything? I passed sacs each time, the first two I wrapped in tissue and put in a card board box and buried under the trees in the garden. Just by myself. I needed to do it, catharsis I suppose. The third one was sent off for testing and I often feel a pang because I didnt get that closure on that occasion.

MonkeyPuddle · 05/10/2020 19:09

I’m sorry for your loss OP.
I lost a baby at around 7 weeks. I chose to give the baby a name, I keep the name between myself and DP. But I felt the baby needed it.
I bought a silver feather pendant from pandora that I wear on a necklace which has a pendant made with DS’s first curl in it. It feels like she’s near me then. Near to her brother.
I also had some counselling a few months later.

Dawninglory · 05/10/2020 19:39

Sorry for your loss OP,

I losted a baby at 11wks, but was so busy with my DS getting on as normal, I tried to not think about it too deeply as it was upsetting, I was just 40 and it could of been an empty sac, the doctor wasn't sure, I'd been in an car prang in a car park where a car reversed into mine when I was 8wks so I'll never know. So I had a few glasses of wine, felt sorry for myself but still decided to try again. 2months later I was pregnant, and had a lovely DD at 41. Hopefully it will happen again soon for you too.💐

tsmainsqueeze · 05/10/2020 19:39

I had one too , i'm sorry for you x Not sure if you can do this at the moment , i am not religious but i do find comfort in lighting a candle at a church / cathedral , i light the candle as i am thinking about my lost loved ones .
I do believe there is more after this life and i wonder if i will meet my baby then , of course lots of people wouldn't think the same as me but it does give me a little comfort .

SunshineLollipopsRainbow · 05/10/2020 20:40

Ive got a ring with the birth stone for the month of my due date which brings me comfort. I'm sorry for your loss.

CautiousPractice · 05/10/2020 20:52

I lost my first at the start of this year. I was given a teddy bear by a charity called aching arms. The bears are donated by other families who have lost a child during pregnancy or after birth, and you can pay a fee to donate a bear in your child's name to provide comfort to another parent. There is even a Facebook group to share your bear, so that you can connect with the family who donated your bear, and in the future connect with the family who get your child's bear. I strongly recommend looking them up.
I also have a necklace that my partner bought for me with babys name on it, and a candle holder which we light on special days (due date, Christmas, the anniversary, future siblings births - special events they should have been part of).

IvanTheDragon · 05/10/2020 20:56

I found that having a name for them so they wouldn’t just be “the baby I lost” meant a lot, and when we were getting ready to move house I felt sad we were leaving the place they had been, so I bought a necklace that had been made locally so I had something from there to take with me to remember them by. A friend sent flowers and that meant a lot.

SheilaWilcox · 05/10/2020 22:16

So sorry for your loss.

I have lost 2. I found talking helped. There were a remarkable number of my friends that had been through the same. Such a shame that many went through it on their own as people don't talk about it. The second one didn't hit me as hard as I think I was more prepared, whereas the first one hit me like a ton of bricks. Both sad, but handled differently.

Not sure there is a right or wrong way. Your feelings are valid and everyone deals with things differently. Be kind to yourself.

wizzler · 05/10/2020 22:18

I planted a rose tree

HAB86 · 05/10/2020 22:27

I got a tattoo, it’s always hidden by clothes and only a few people know the significance of it (my husband & Mum).
Not for everyone obviously but it very much helped me at the time and I have no regrets.

addictedtotheflats · 05/10/2020 22:38

I've lost two, 1 twin at 9 weeks and a anembryonic pregnancy at 8 weeks. I found talking about it helped me the most. Its still seen as a taboo subject yet it happens so often. I also found telling myself that it just wasn't meant to be and it's nature's way of getting rid of a baby which was incompatible with life. I don't know if thats true or not but it helped me. Sorry for your loss

BGDino · 07/10/2020 01:02

I’m sorry for your loss OP xxx

My DS Alexander died at 18 weeks gestation, I delivered him in the ED unexpectedly. When we received his body back after his autopsy we had him cremated and his urn is on our dresser, where we always keep a vase of roses for him.

My second and third pregnancies ended in early miscarriage, I bought a small fabric pig and mouse for each of them from Etsy, the years of the Chinese zodiac they would have been born in (I’m Chinese) and they live next to my DS.

Thankfully, my fourth pregnancy had a happy ending, who is currently napping in her crib in the living room.

Alex’s birthday is 29 November, I’m planning on having a party for him with family this year.

ZuzuMyLittleGingersnap · 07/10/2020 07:50

So sorry for your loss.

Nothing helpful to add, but very touched by lovely suggestions from PPs.