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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not be able to discipline DS12

52 replies

Needl · 05/10/2020 18:18

Please help,I need advice. Huge backstory, so please bear with, I'M NOT A TROLL.My DS12 is getting out of control. He got in with a really bad group of older girls at school last year, and even though we have moved him to a different school, he continues to keep in contact with these girls online. He is not allowed social media due to being underage, so he went behind our back and set up an Instagram account to keep in touch with them. I monitor his internet use, but its been a hectic week, so I didn't find till this weekend. What I found shocked me, these girls have been sending him porn and encouraging him to go through mine and DH's personal things when he's home alone and report back to them with what he's found. When we confronted DS he went apeshit, screaming that we were intrusive and over controlling and shit parents. He even pulled out his pocket knife and waved it around threateningly. Dh grabbed the knife and DS ran out of the house. DH went looking for him, but he ran off everytime Dh got close. In the end we had to call the police to pick him up and bring him home. We asked the police what to do, and he just shrugged and said he's probably embarrassed but don't worry he will grow out of it.
The next day we sat Ds down and said that there would be no more smart phone or internet access, and he was grounded for a month. He responded by hurling his skateboard at my head. Which we have now confiscated. The day after that he accompanied me on a walk to the shops and while I was paying, took off again. I gound him at park with a local boy (who is a good kid), borrowing his phone. I went over and said "sorry x, ds is grounded and can't play right now ,you can have your phone back, ds is coming home ". Ds just smirked and handed the phone back, said goodbye to his friend and came home in a good mood. Later that night I checked his Instagram and saw he had used that time at the park to contact one of the girls, asking her to delete the messages and he'd be in touch later.

I'm at a complete loss, how do I enforce consequences, when its just a game to him? He shot up over lockdown and is bigger than me now, and seems to think he can do as he pleases. I've made an appointment for us to see a counsellor later in the week. Has anyone else had a teenage son who has behaved like this?

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 05/10/2020 20:07

The shoes thing may or may not work... but it would be VERY interesting to take his phone away (and turn off the wifi), and see how he reacts. If he doesnt seem too bothered, he's getting a phone from somewhere else, and that really is a potential problem.

Smallsteps88 · 05/10/2020 20:08

OP get professionals involved first before you start implementing punishments and ways to contain him. People have good intentions but unless they’ve actually lived this they can’t see how useless, and in some cases dangerous, these suggestions will be with a child who is in the place your son is. You need professional intervention. School, police, social services, GP for mental health referral. And be the squeaky wheel that gets the oil. Be prepared to be on your phone constantly pestering people to get him the support he needs. It is exhausting but unfortunately as his parent the buck stops with you and you don’t get to give up on him.

RealBecca · 05/10/2020 20:08

What funnylittlefloozie said. Id also be looking at what devoces are connected to your wifi etc

Smallsteps88 · 05/10/2020 20:10

I’d also move this to the teenager/behaviour board.

Waveysnail · 05/10/2020 20:14

U def need professional help. As a complete bystander is it not weird for a 12 year old boy to be friends with a group of older girls? How did friendships come about?

Is there any schools with gifted and talented programmes? He may qualify for scholarship to a private school. It sounds like he needs pushed and stretched academically

Qiry · 05/10/2020 20:22

So, you moved him to a different school away from his friends. How does he feel about that? Is he happy with the move?

Have you explained why you don't want him associating with those girls and does he understand and agree?

Like, in my view, all that nuclear discipline stuff is pointless unless they understand the basis of the rule you're enforcing. At 12 and older, friendships are everything.
I think you need to find common ground with him, and start trying to set boundaries that he also agrees on.

Original poster

Needl · 05/10/2020 20:25

Turning the wifi off is not possible, due to the flipping lockdown my DH is working from home and needs the wifi. We have of course changed all passwords on the computers, binned his smartphone, even removed the tablets from the younger children and locked them in the filing cabinet so he can't borrow them.
I have contacted a youth aid officer, theres a waiting list of course, and as he's not actually assaulted us or broken any laws, we are not high priority. I've got me, dh and ds booked into a family counselling session on Wednesday, with ds having private counseling on friday. We will do this each week until we see some improvement.
He does classes a few years ahead due to his capabilities, but it seems he's using this time to be almost groomed by older kids eager to take advantage of his naivety but he just can't see that. I'm arranging a meeting with the school to see if he can do those classes online, under supervision.
Mental health is a huge concern for us, we are pretty sure it is low self esteem causing him to misbehave, he's trying to make friends, but going the wrong way about it. Combine that with puberty and the rush of testosterone and you get an angry young man. He says he just feels angry all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Needl · 05/10/2020 20:29

We moved schools because we moved house. Where we live now is quite nice and theres a few nice kids in the neighborhood, his age, who invite him out to play, the go to the skate park, or ride their bikes. He says he gets on with them ok but says kids his age feel too young for him. I've said tough, he's only 12 whether he likes it or not.

OP posts:

Smallsteps88 · 05/10/2020 20:31

He says he just feels angry all the time.

It’s good that he’s saying this. It’s an open door. Hopefully the counselling will start getting somewhere with that and give him ways to deal with his anger.

catnoir1 · 05/10/2020 20:34

I guarantee you he has another phone in his room somewhere op.

Ohalrightthen · 05/10/2020 20:34

This is a very, very common problem when you move children up years in school. If i were you I'd get him back in a class with his age group, ASAP. Even if you have to move schools to do it. You're not doing him any favours, you're just making him think he's the dog's bollocks and exposing him to dangerous influences.

Original poster

Needl · 05/10/2020 20:41

He is in his age group at school, he only attends 2 classes a few years up
Keeping him with his age group 100% of the time is pointless, he knows it, gets bored and ends up wasting time.

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 05/10/2020 20:48

What do you mean, no laws have been broken? In your posts you have mentioned

threats with a bladed article
posession of indecent images of underage children
common assault (skateboard)
cybercrime, in the form of the illegal access to the school IT system.

Thats a LOT of offences for one 12 year old boy.

Original poster

Needl · 05/10/2020 20:51

I'm aware they are offences, but as he's underage the law will not deal with him beyond bringing him back home.

OP posts:

Original poster

Needl · 05/10/2020 20:52

He hasn't recieved images of underage children, where did you get that from?!! He recieved porn from underage girls, not photos of the girls themselves, but rather porn they had found online and sent to him.

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 05/10/2020 20:58

Ah sorry, i thought it was the girls sending pictures of themselves. Not quite so serious, but still very concerning. Also, are you in the UK? He isnt under-age here. The police might just shrug this year, but trust me, weapons and hacking will start to be regarded much more seriously once he is 13.

Oliversmumsarmy · 05/10/2020 21:02

The only way to stop this is to cut this off at source.

That isn’t taking tech away from him but the girls who are grooming him need to be stopped.

Did you photo any of the conversations and pornography they were sending him.
I would be having a word with the school as well to warn them that if these girls continue in the way they have been then could end up on the sex offenders register.

Tbh he probably feels older because of the images and talk he has been subject to but really he is quite immature if he thinks that going through your personal items when someone asks him is the way to look older.

Agree also laws have been broken and I would be going back to the police. He needs to know threatening someone with a knife is a crime.

I am surprised the first port of call when you saw the images he was being sent wasn’t the police.

Original poster

Needl · 05/10/2020 21:04

I'm well aware of just how serious this will get, its why I'm asking for advice and doing everything I can to get on top of it.

OP posts:

funnylittlefloozie · 05/10/2020 21:19

Im sorry if it seems like i'm banging on, but i work with young offenders... i have seen how situations like this start, and how they can end.

I think you're doing the right thing in getting him into some quite intensive counselling. I also think you need to speak to social services and the police again - there are people out there who specialise in working with kids like your DS, and you need to rope in all the help you can get.

Finally, please make sure you talk TO him as well as ABOUT him. It can get really hard sometimes, especially if he refuses to cooperate, but stick at it. Keep the tech locked up.

BubblyBarbara · 05/10/2020 22:16

If he’s gifted with computers and acting like this he might actually be on the spectrum or similar and blocking access to his favourite activity is not going to be painful. Stitching him up for his creative computer efforts was not going to endear him to you either, you could have disciplined him at home for that victimless crime. He needs some sort of outlet and now he hasn’t got his phone his skateboard or his knife to play with and the younger ones are suffering as a consequence as well

Winniewonka · 05/10/2020 22:20

It's going to hurt his feelings but he needs to be told that he is entertainment fodder for these girls, they don't give a toss about him and does he really want to continue being a stooge for them? Tell him he worth more than this. Ditto to what PPs have said about police.

KarlKennedysDurianFruit · 06/10/2020 00:31

Definitely speak to children's services, the school, your local youth offending team will have an early intervention team (or similar) doing work to try and divert young people away from the criminal justice system. Where are you OP? A lot of this advice is targetted at the UK but you say he's under the age limit for legal consequences, but the age of criminal responsibility in the UK is ten.

Feellikedancingyeah · 06/10/2020 15:01

Buy him a phone with no internet. Just calls and texts !

Soubriquet · 06/10/2020 15:08

Are you the OP who had their post deleted the other day? The one about who’s ds posted photos of your sex toys online?

If it is, you need to put a lock on your bedroom door, and with your dh, you need to completely ransack his room and make sure there isn’t any internet access in there at all.

Keep changing passwords on the WiFi, as he might guess it one day and then he’s away

contrmary · 06/10/2020 15:22

You say you've passworded your computers, but if he is able to hack a school system he's probably able to use TAILS or similar to access your PC. (It boots from a USB drive before Windows loads.)

I'd say change your wifi password every couple of days, to something "unguessable" like 5F6ji3nf4g5Linb9403cCRG32-cG^2d. A pain in the arse to keep updating your own devices but leave it too long and he'll work it out.

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