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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Making a decision for him

17 replies

Daisydaisy4me · 05/10/2020 18:07

My 16 year old is so lost and confused about what to study at college and what college to go to. I’m high with anxiety as he is not settled at a college. I’ve allowed him to start 3 different courses since September at 2 different colleges. He says he doesn’t fit in anywhere?! I’ve tried to make him understand that college is totally different to school and it’s a big change etc. I’m on the verge of approaching his sixth form and sending him there but he doesn’t really want to go there. This would be my preferred plan. Am I unreasonable to sign him back into sixth form?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 05/10/2020 18:09

Sixth form won't take him if he tells them he doesn't want to be there.

I'm at a loss really.

Has he considered an apprenticeship of some sort?

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2020 18:10

Yes, that would be very unreasonable. He needs to speak with an advisor or you could help him work through his thoughts and concerns. Don't subvert his independence by going over his head like that. He would be extremely upset, and rightfully so.

Original poster
Daisydaisy4me · 05/10/2020 18:12

He doesn’t want to do an apprenticeship because it means getting up and out early everyday. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s at work all week. I’m really disappointed, annoyed and drained from all of this. I’ve rung so many colleges to get him into various courses, even brought all his clothing for a building course now he doesn’t want to go. I really don’t know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisydaisy4me · 05/10/2020 18:13

But I can’t allow him to sit at home and do nothing. It’s getting in into the term, I’m scared he won’t catch up if we leave it any longer

OP posts:
tiredybear · 05/10/2020 18:21

He doesn't want to be up and out early every day?! FFS!

sounds like you're doing too much for him! He has two choices...study/apprenticeship or go out to work.

Be clear you are there to support him if needed, but he needs to ask, otherwise just get on with it!

Original poster
Daisydaisy4me · 05/10/2020 18:39

I think so too. I’ve spoilt him. Now I’m dealing with the aftermath. I’m very worried

OP posts:
Elsewyre · 05/10/2020 18:40

@Daisydaisy4me

He doesn’t want to do an apprenticeship because it means getting up and out early everyday. He doesn’t want to feel like he’s at work all week. I’m really disappointed, annoyed and drained from all of this. I’ve rung so many colleges to get him into various courses, even brought all his clothing for a building course now he doesn’t want to go. I really don’t know what to do
Wtf kind of excuse is that?

Sign him up for a sparkies course and throw a bucket of water over him each morning

Elsewyre · 05/10/2020 18:42

Oh sparks are the laziest trade he'll fit right in Grin

jessstan1 · 05/10/2020 19:08

It sounds as though he might benefit from a gap year now! Why not, especially as schools and colleges are not settled at the moment.

As long as he has something to do, which he wants to do, is good at and will benefit him, a year out might be just what he needs.

However you know your son better than any of us.

Good luck.

MitziK · 05/10/2020 19:43

@jessstan1

It sounds as though he might benefit from a gap year now! Why not, especially as schools and colleges are not settled at the moment.

As long as he has something to do, which he wants to do, is good at and will benefit him, a year out might be just what he needs.

However you know your son better than any of us.

Good luck.

I don't think child benefit/UC/WTC/CTC/etc get paid for a teenager to sit on his arse for a year because he doesn't fancy the idea of getting out of bed in the morning, though.
jessstan1 · 05/10/2020 20:18

That's a point :-). I thought child benefit was paid up to age 19 regardless but know nothing about the other benefits. However not everyone is dependent on those and I was thinking of the boy actually doing something during his year off, at least some of the time.

tiredybear · 05/10/2020 20:24

i know it's a worry..but, just between us, he's got loads of time to sort his life out - he's only 16, so can get away with a year or 5 of arsing around - obviously, he doesn't need to know that right now.
Last time I looked into it, albeit a while ago, any kind of child benefit was only if in full time training/education after 16...that could be a way to start with him - he needs to earn and contribute to the household at least what the household is losing by him being a bit aimless right now.
Or, maybe he has to be in charge of the house if everyone else is studying/working? That's all cleaning, food shopping, meal prep, laundry etc etc.....
college may start sounding a bit more enticing!

Waveysnail · 05/10/2020 20:29

Well tell him he isnt sobbing in bed everyday. Tell him you expect him up when you get up. Then give him list of all household chores to do daily. He gets no money and you expect him to look for a pt job to pay board. Dont buy him anything beyond essential. Time to get tough

averythinline · 05/10/2020 20:30

Do you have connections/career advice service in your area? Maybe on your council website....innour area the advisors are great at working out with teens where to ho....

wifflewafflebiscuit · 05/10/2020 20:37

Tell him to choose a course and stick with it, or get a job. Then he'll be up early every day anyway! He can't sit and do nothing. It's hard being a teenager, and it's hard to know what to do, but he's got to pick something and give it a decent shot.

Pipandmum · 05/10/2020 20:37

I thought children had to be in some sort of education or training program until they were 18, so doing nothing is not an option. He needs to be doing something - but changing after a couple weeks is hardly giving any course a fair chance. You should have told him he has to give it a much more tme.
But it is also unrealistic to expect him to know what to do at 16 - which is why continuing at sixth form would allow another couple years to mature and solidify his interests, even of he still is undecided at the end.

Original poster
Daisydaisy4me · 05/10/2020 21:05

Thanks all. @Pipandmum That’s what I was thinking. Sign him up for sixth form as it’s a safe environment for him whilst he matures. It’s been extra tough for the school kids this year. They’ve had no real “ending” of year 11. School ended abruptly on Friday 20th March!!! No prom, no goodbye to friends etc. I’m trying not to come down heavy but I can’t have him at home doing nothing.

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